Big Sky
by Word Ninja
Summary: ON HIATUS-When Bella is suddenly left with a failing ranch, she's determined to make it on her own. But when her arrogant, gorgeous neighbor offers the help she needs, she has to decide; is saving her ranch worth losing herself?
1. Chapter 1

BIG SKY

**CHAPTER 1**

_ June_

Waking to the sun on her face, Bella thought, would be the greatest luxury she could ask for. Well, maybe not the greatest, but considering its impossibility right now, it was pretty high up on the list. Right up there with having enough money to keep the Swan horse ranch from going under.

Her parents, Charlie and Renee, had run the ranch for thirty years together, and their dedication to the land had been bred in Bella's bones her entire life. Not that she minded; she loved the land, the horses, and everything about the ranch, with every fiber of her being. And now that her parents were gone, it was resting solely on her slight, sun-freckled shoulders to keep it from the hands of the bankers who kept closing further and further in.

As always, when Bella thought of the bankers who wanted her land so desperately, she saw them as a freakish combination of blood-sucking leeches and blood-thirsty sharks, circling her constantly, waiting for the perfect moment to swoop in and make the kill. Currently the price of her piece of land was high enough that she could sell it and never have to work again. She could buy more of the horses she adored and do nothing but spend time with them. Riding out across the endless plains until she reached the mountains. Breeding them into prize winners, her Quarter Horses and Appaloosas setting the standard at big name events.

_Retired at 23, _she thought as she pulled on her old flannel shirt and faded jeans._ Not many can say that._

But Bella didn't want to sell the ranch; just thinking about it filled her with deep loathing and something close to terror.

_It's all I have in this world. It's what I love._

Her parents had died in a car accident on the way home from a Christmas party at a neighboring ranch. They'd both been stone sober, since neither drank often, but the teenaged boy who hit them head-on had been blacking out drunk. He had walked away with a few bruises and no memory of the night. Her parents had been carried away on stretchers, covered with sheets. Their memory-making days were done.

Bella had spent months drowning in inconsolable grief. She'd resolutely taken care of the funeral details in her methodical way, keeping her misery well-hidden in public. But things were different at night, after the last family friend or caring neighbor had left her with the inevitable covered dish and quiet condolences. The fact that that time honored tradition of food-for-grief had taken over two weeks was proof the Swans had been well-loved by more than her alone. She'd walked into her parents room slowly, feeling the weight of a thousand _nevers _crushing her lungs. Never seeing Charlie stroke his mustache while he thought, forehead wrinkled in speculation. Never seeing Renee's face light up like a Christmas tree whenever a new colt or calf was born, an occasion she never missed. Never feeling their endless love supporting every step she took.

Climbing up into their big antique bed, she had let out every ounce of rage and sorrow and terror in heaving sobs. Eventually she'd slept, exhausted, only to be haunted by nightmares. The mornings found her pale and thin, the half circles under her eyes growing steadily darker. She silently went about her day looking like a piece of dandelion fluff. As if any moment a slight breeze would stir the long grasses in the fields and she would drift away on it.

For almost four months she'd carried on that way, faded and somehow insubstantial. Then one night as she lay tightly curled around herself in her parents' bed, she'd dreamed. Not the brutally gory nightmares of her parents' death that had plagued her for so long, but a dream that stayed with her when she woke. She'd lain in the huge four-poster bed and stared at the ceiling. She'd inspected every crack in the paint and decided each one was exactly as it had been her entire life. None of them had moved, grown, or been fixed. They were threads on the tapestry of her childhood memory, and her parents' death hadn't changed them at all. There had been something bizarrely comforting about that, and Bella felt that somehow the cracks in the ceiling above her were more than flaws in the mortar. They were signs from something bigger than her. Signs that even though her world had been thoroughly turned upside down, some things would never change. Things like those jagged lines running like spiderwebs across the ceiling. They wouldn't be covered, or filled, or patched; and that was right. Because they were a part of Swan history, just like her parents. _She _would never be patched either, but that was okay and that was right. It was another thread in a greater pattern.

Bella had been shocked to hear the harsh grating sound that came out of her throat. She didn't remember the last time she had laughed, and she had savored it while it lasted. Comparing cracks in paint and plaster to life and death was worthy of a laugh, in her oh-so-humble opinion. And she had hidden in the huge bed long enough. The ranch hadn't waited for her to finishing grieving and there was probably a ton to catch up on.

So Bella had walked out of the big house, squinting her eyes against a sun she hadn't seen in days, and taken stock. Small signs of neglect showed where patches of grass had been allowed to grow tall at the corners of the house and barns and a porch that needed sweeping. Feeling momentarily overwhelmed with the vastness in front of her, she'd paused on the bottom step, looking across the acres of rolling emerald hills under the blazing ultramarine sky.

_Breathtaking. This is the feeling that word describes._

Walking slowly through the yard Bella had silently reacquainted herself with everything she'd left behind the past few months. The smell of the Montana summer, the horsey smell of the ranch, the faintly acrid odor of exhaust and oil from heavy machinery.

Taking a deep breath as she reached her destination Bella had prepared herself for her first real, post-funeral human interaction. She'd rapped quickly on the door of the cabin the ranch hands lived in, then stood back waiting. When it swung quickly open, she avoided eye contact with the men inside and gruffly told them to get off their lazy asses and get back to work. The ranch couldn't run itself.

She'd gotten a few odd looks, which were probably due more to her haggard appearance than anything else, but most of the men had given her a look of pure pride. A look that said she was a Swan alright; when it came down to it, she would suck it up, buckle down, and get shit taken care of, pardon-their-French. It had healed her more in a moment than all her hours of tears and darkness.. It also reminded her that she had work to do, all the backbreaking labor that went into the day-to-day running of a functional ranch. And she was done shirking. She would do her job because these men were counting on her to keep the ranch running, to keep money in their pockets and food on their tables. But more than that, both wonderful and terrifying, they trusted her to. Because they believed in her.

Remembering their pride in her helped get her out of bed every day, hours before the sun touched the black early morning sky. But this morning as she trudged half awake into the hallway, stepping into her filthy work boots, she grimaced at the thought of how misplaced that pride was. She was young, and there was so much she didn't know, and she was...haunted. There was no other word for it. She was haunted by the loss of her parents, and every part of her was overshadowed by that loss.

Her parents had done everything they could to keep the ranch books in the black, but they'd been slowly and surely sinking further and further into the red. The Quarter Horses and Appaloosas they bred for showing and ranch work were expensive, and the beef cattle hadn't been selling for the best prices lately. Before the wreck, Charlie and Renee had been seriously discussing selling off a few acres..._just a few acres, Bella..._she could still see her father saying in the kitchen. It had been the hardest moment of her life to that point. Looking across the kitchen table to Charlie, the man she'd believed unbreakable, and seeing him near broken. And still trying to put on a good face for her and Renee.

Renee had been pale and still, her nervous energy stilled for a moment under the strain. Her normally vibrant smile now tight and brittle. It was so unlike her usual effervescent self, and Bella remembered thinking for the first time that her mother was getting old; both her parents were. There were more lines in their faces, crisscrossing the laugh lines they'd earned with worry and stress. A little more gray showed in their hair, though it was hardly noticeable in Renee's blonde braid, and just made Charlie more ruggedly charming. They'd held hands and looked at Bella with such sorrow in their eyes, silently begging forgiveness and understanding. She knew they'd planned to leave the ranch to her one day; they knew it was all she'd ever wanted. But she'd seen the figures in the books first-hand, and she knew that they were making the only choice they could.

But then the accident had happened, and Bella had gotten enough money from insurance to manage a few more months of scraping by on the bills. After that, she'd had to cut nearly half the ranch-hands, something that had driven her to near-violent sobs that night once she was alone. Some of those men had been there longer than she'd been alive, pouring their sweat and blood into their work to make her parents ranch run. She knew all of them well, loved some of them like uncles instead of employees. But each of them knew where the books stood, and those men she'd let go left quietly the next morning. There hadn't been an ounce of blame in their eyes, but Bella had felt enough blame for everyone. It wasn't something she cared to remember, because it still made her heart sore to think about.

Walking out into the crisp morning air Bella hurried past the paddocks to the stables using more instinct than sight to guide her. The sky was dark still, the deep blue color that came just before sunrise, and shadows covered the ground like a blanket. Pulling the heavy doors open she could hear the horses nicker softly and stamping quietly in their stalls. She could feel the corners of her mouth turn up in a smile as she entered the closest thing she had to heaven on earth.

Bella stopped just inside the stable, taking a deep breath in the silent, dark morning as she had every day for as long as she could remember. It was a moment of pure delight. The smell in the barn was warm and alive, comforting somehow. Sweet alfalfa and the dry, rich smell of straw mixed with leather from the tack room to make the most enchanting perfume. It was safe and unchanging, an island in the stormy sea her life had become.

Closing her eyes she could almost hear Charlie behind her, whistling quietly. Always Eric Clapton's _Wonderful Tonight_. It was the song he and Renee danced to at their wedding, and he swore it made the horses happy. Charlie would be a step behind her, whistling through his mustache, smiling at her because he totally understood what she felt. It was the reason they did what they did, and loved it. Despite the backbreaking labor, the work days that sometimes ran twenty hours, and the rare profit. That first moment in the stable each day made every foot crushed under a thousand pounds of horse bearable, every bruise and scrape sting less. Each of them had understood that, and accepted it with a grin. The thought stabilized her, giving her something to work for today. Something to hope for.

Smiling a little to herself, Bella walked to the first stall and began her brutally long day feeling content.

By the time noon rolled around, Bella was covered in dust, dirt and sweat; pieces of straw stuck out of her brown hair, she she was sore from head to foot. But she felt completely alive. Working with her hands, knowing she was physically working to keep her ranch always made her feel so good. She missed her horses, and they'd missed her as well. Her favorite mare, a gray Appaloosa named Morning Star, went out of her way to be difficult and tried twice to step on her foot. And Big Bear, the newest chestnut stallion, had nibbled her hair into a soggy mess.

_It has been an all around fantastic day, _Bella thought, and meant it.

As she walked out of the barn she saw Harry, one of the remaining hands, and smiled. Harry had been her father's best man at the wedding, and Bella loved him. He loved her just as much, and sometimes allowed himself to think of her as the daughter he and his wife could never have. While Bella had been "gone" after her parent's deaths, Harry had taken care of the day to day chores and decisions involving the ranch, which Bella felt terrible for. He was too old to be doing all that work. He should be sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, telling stories about the old days, and how times had changed. Whenever she mentioned it to him, he'd snort and told her not to insult him.

"Hells Bells, you're a mess," the old man said, smiling around his mouthful of chewing tobacco.

"Some of us have to work for a living, something I can tell by your good looks you're totally unfamiliar with," Bella said, a wide grin across her face. They both knew he worked harder than everyone else there.

"For a moment there I thought Robert Redford himself had graced the Swan ranch with his presence."

"Shoot little girl, I could steal whatever lady Mr. Redford can get his hands on with my charm alone," Harry responded with a wide grin. One of his bottom teeth was missing, leaving a gap that did indeed make him charming.

The sameness of the routine, of stopping to banter between chores as she had nearly every day of her life, made the glow inside of her burn a little brighter. She might be on the verge of losing the last thing she had in the world, her legacy, and her parents dreams, but damned if she would let it ruin her day. Bella couldn't hold back her own grin.

_Life can be so sweet, you just have to take a little piece as it goes by. Don't you forget that Isabella Swan. Don't you ever let yourself forget that._

Smiling at herself for being so zen and profound, she noticed how quickly Harry's smile faded and steeled herself to hold on to that happy little glow. Something bad was coming, she could tell by the way Harry was looking past her now instead of into her eyes.

"You never could keep a secret from me old man. Spill it."

Scuffing the toe of his old cowboy boots in the dust, Harry took a deep breath, and let it out slowly before answering her.

"Well Bella..." he sighed, hesitating for a moment. He hated seeing her young face so tight with exhaustion and fatigue. He knew she was pushing herself more than was healthy, but he was also proud of her for it. This was a hard life in hard country, no matter how beautiful it seemed. If you couldn't handle the demands of that, it would knock you down relentlessly, until you had no life left. No Swan would curl up to die quietly; they fought and fought until there was no fight left. And he thought she still had some fight left in her, despite the purple circles under her eyes. She was Charlie Swan's daughter through and through alright. So he'd give it to her straight.

"We're going to have to sell the cattle, Bella. All of them." As her face fell, he plunged ahead before he lost the nerve to finish.

"Actually, I think we're going to have to sell some of the horses too. Maybe five or six of the mares."

Doing a quick tally in her head Bella cringed inwardly.

_Five or six? That's a fourth of the mares. MY mares damn it, and I'm not selling them!_

_Shut up Bella and stop being such a damn baby. You know he's right. The money you can make off the two Quarter horses with keep this place running for another month at least. With the rest from the three Appaloosas, it'll be enough to get us through until late September. That's a far as I can think about._

_ Maybe by then I'll have come up with a miracle._

Swiftly shutting away the Bella in her head who wanted to cry at the injustice of it, she took a steadying breath and once she felt she could open her mouth without bawling, she said,

"We sell the beef cattle. And five mares. Call McGuire over at the Halstead ranch. He offered a great price for Ladyhawk and Sorceress at the fair last year. See if he's still interested. Let me know what you work out with him."

Turning away before her trembling voice betrayed her, she didn't see Harry looking after her, twisting his broken down Stetson between gnarled knuckles, his deeply lined face full of sorrow and pain.

Sliding into the bath at the end of the day was the only luxury Bella allowed herself on a regular basis. Sinking down in the steaming hot water to her chin, she closed her eyes and relaxed muscle by muscle, emptying her mind of everything. All the stress, and the fears, all the struggling and sadness...she just breathed, in then out. In then out.

In.

Then out.

When she opened her eyes again, she felt better, even though she knew all her problems were still there. Her rule was no drama allowed in the bathtub. It was silly, she knew, and slightly ridiculous. But it kept her from going completely crazy under the strain of just making it though each day. It was an excuse to turn all that off, for just a little while, and remember that she was a 23 year old girl. The huge master bathroom, with it's cool tile floors and double sinks was her sanctuary. She could slide into the giant claw-footed tub and just pretend for a little while. Pretend her parents were still alive, pretend the ranch was flush with money and horses. Pretend she had someone to share the joy of that with...

Relaxing further into the bathtub, Bella shut her eyes and let her familiar fantasy take her away. She would come home, filthy and tired from another day of doing what she loved, and a man would meet her at the steps. He would be exhausted too, but they'd pause for a moment and hold hands. Looking out over what they made, understanding that love completely. Sharing a silent moment of pure joy and bliss.

Sighing a little as her sore muscles loosened slightly, Bella tried to wrap herself up deeper in her daydream. Something kept interrupting her thoughts though. The sound of big trucks and horse trailers, their tailgates opening and slamming shut punctuating the silent night air. A sound she could recognize in her sleep, as could everyone who grew up on a ranch. She knew instantly who it was. The Cullens were back from the trip to Texas. Where they probably won every prize invented for their stupid, perfect cattle and their stupid, high-bred horses. And now they were back on their stupid ranch, where all their bills were paid on time, and nothing ever went wrong.

Guilt immediately made her regret taking out her vile mood on the Cullen's, so she stopped her "stupid" train of thought. It wasn't really fair of her, and she didn't really have anything against the Cullens. Their ranch was next to hers, a low white fence separating the miles of land. She grown up climbing back and forth over that boundary with their youngest child, Alice. Carlisle and Esme had been friends of her parents, and she they were two of the sweetest, most generous people she knew. Those traits had carried down to their children as well...for the most part.

Emmett, the oldest of them at 28, was a huge bear of a man, all bulging muscles and big hands with a big booming laugh and the maturity of a twelve year old. She couldn't help but smile thinking of him. He looked like a beast, but she knew he was really a big teddy bear. She'd helped him birth a breech foal last winter, and seen the tears in his big blue eyes when the tiny creature had successfully walked on new, spindly legs to nuzzle its mother. Emmett met her own tear-filled eyes, and smiled like an idiot. Accepting that he was indeed a big, unapologetic softy.

His wife, Rosalie, was just as soft-hearted when it came to children, though she preferred to hide it behind her aloof exterior. Tall, curvy, blonde, and stunning, Rose looked like an out-of-place big city girl, but she had proved she belonged out here in Big Sky country. She had started a Big Sky Big Heart, a program for children with problems, both mental and physical. They came to the Cullen ranch for riding lessons every week, and Rose showed them the endless patience and boundless love those poor kids needed. She connected on a very deep level, and seemed to instinctively understand their needs. Big Sky Big Heart had a waiting list a year long of parents from all over the US trying to get in the program, and word-of-mouth was the only advertising she'd needed. People who'd never seen that side of her thought her cold and haughty, "reserved" being the word they used in polite company. Bella knew better, though she was still slightly intimidated by Rose.

Helping her with the horses was Alice, the youngest Cullen child. Even though she was 21, Alice could have passed for 16 with her tiny frame and pixieish face. Alice was horse-crazy, plain and simple. She ate, slept, and breathed horses from the moment she woke up each day. Her wild, short, dark hair was often covered with a beat up cowboy hat, and more often than not she was up on a horse, looking like a fragile china doll on their huge backs. But Bella knew Alice was no doll. She could remember Alice riding some of the wild mustangs Carlisle and Emmett brought to the ranch. She was tiny, but she was tough as nails. Bella, being on the small side herself, and frequently underestimated, could appreciate her. And while her endless chatter and seemingly boundless energy could be wearing, she was Bella's closest friend.

Smiling a little, she knew Alice could also be softy. But she'd only seen two things that could make Alice go all gooey-faced; until recently that had been designer horses and designer clothes. But she'd seen some of the sidelong glances her friend had been throwing towards the new horse trainer, Jasper Hale. And she had to admit, he was a good-looking. A tall, cool drink of water her mother would have said. He was uncanny with horses, especially ones who were green-broke, or mistreated. They seemed to sense his inner peace, and allowed him to work miracles others had said were impossible. She wondered idly when and how his zen-master calm and Alice's all-out exuberance would collide.

And as hard as she tried to avoid it, she was inevitably brought around to the last, and her least favorite, Cullen. Edward Stupid Cullen. Ugh.

Edward was the same age as her, and as far as she could see, that was all they had in common. They'd run in different crowds through school, she in the library with the book-heads, he in the parking lot with the cool crowd. Although he'd been more of a loner even then, spending time with that particular social group out of requirement more than anything else. And really, for someone as gorgeous as Edward Cullen, there was no other group who would even try to claim him.

Bella could remember her sophomore year, and how desperately she'd wanted his attention. He'd been too busy to notice she was alive, and juggling dates with every pretty girl in school. They knew each other of course; they'd grown up on neighboring ranches, but they'd never had any sort of friendly interaction. She'd been an irritant when she was younger, she and Alice wanting to tag along with him and Emmett all the time, and then she'd grown up a little, and been too intimidated by him to be any where near him. When he'd left after high school for Arizona, something in her lightened imperceptibly, as if she was breathing deeply for the first time. She hadn't realized how much he had affected her, his mere presence forcing her into silence for fear of looking stupid in his eyes.

_Bella, you were pathetic. Thank God you grew up and left that crush in the past. _

When she'd understood just how attuned she was to him, and the enormity of his effect on her, she'd decided hating him was better. She'd hate him for frightening her into silence with his good looks and quick laugh.

With hate there was no room for fear, and Bella didn't like feeling fear.

Damn him for being so hot. Even though she'd decided to despise him, she couldn't argue that point. He was tall and slender, but still well muscled from daily ranch work. His eyes were the most striking color, somewhere between icy blue and warm sea green, and his hair was an unruly shock of copper, usually covered with a well-worn Stetson. And the way he moved...Edward walking in a straight line across a parking lot was a study in graceful fluidity. It was like all his joints were loosened, giving him a careless, hip-shot stance, making every move smooth and silken. And his lips...his perfectly chiseled, mouth-watering lips...

_Fuck. Dammit Bella, forget his god damn perfect lips. Forget him being perfect, you know he's no angel. Not that he's made any effort to hide it, _she thought with a grimace.

Stretching out one last time in the cooling water, Bella stood up and reached for her towel. Everyone knew Edward was no angel; he hadn't come by his nickname of "Lo" in high school by being the sweet guy who helped little old ladies with their groceries. Lothario was the perfect name for him.

_Man-whore is a better one_, Bella though snarkily, and snorted lightly as she finally stepped out of the bath and wrapped her robe around her. Drying her hair briskly with her towel, she reminded herself exactly why she disliked Edward Cullen.

He was cocky. He was insufferable. He knew he turned women into puddles of goo at his feet with his little lopsided grin, and he used it to his best advantage. He was so damned arrogant about it too! When he'd been called out in front of the entire cafeteria by Mike Newton, the high school's star quarterback, for making out with his girlfriend, Lauren, Edward had just smirked and shrugged, as if to say, _Yeah, I did. What are you going to do about it?_

And the fucked up thing was, nothing had been done about it. Mike had shifted from foot to foot, massive shoulders filling out his letter jacket, and finally muttered something about Lauren keeping her mouth to herself, then stalked off. Edward had gone back to eating his lunch in silence, ignoring the looks from those around him. Envy from the guys, at his ability to be so cool, and lust from the girls, who saw him as some sort of gorgeous god.

Bella thought he was a jerk, and disgusting. And despite the fact that Alice had repeatedly told her he had gotten better since he came home from Arizona, she decided to keep thinking that. Putting on the old cotton tank top and shorts she slept in during the hot summer months, she couldn't help glancing out her bedroom window. It gave her a perfect view of the front of the Cullen's house, the wraparound porch filled with rocking chairs. The porch lights were on, and the pale yellow glow illuminated the forms of two men; one moving slowly back and forth in an Adirondack rocker with the glow of a pipe in front of them, the other leaning against the porch rail. She could tell it was Edward even though his back was facing her. He wasn't as big as Emmett, and the light made his copper hair shine like new pennies. He laughed at something Carlisle said, and turned his face towards him, showing Bella his profile.

Gorgeous.

_Seriously Bella, get a fucking grip. You're too old to pay attention to hormones, even if Mr. "Lo" Cullen isn't. _

Rolling over into her bed, she turned her lamp off and let the day's weariness overtake her. Within seconds she was asleep so deep not even dreams could reach her.

A/N: Thanks to my great beta for her endless patience and general ranch-y knowledge. Any mistakes are mine, not hers. There's a lot of history to get out there first, but things will be moving a little faster once I get that all out of the way. Be warned though: I love anticipation, not instant gratification. There will be some slow-burning going on here. Chapter 2 is EPOV, and will be up within the week. Reviews are great, & thanks so much for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

_**Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. The remainder is my original work. Copy or reproduction in any form without my express written consent is . Copyright January 2010 by Word Ninja. **_

**CHAPTER 2**

"Well Edward, what do you think of the new batch?" Carlisle asked without looking up. He was methodically filling his pipe, slowly tamping down the tobacco then lighting it. The night air was warm around him, and soothing with the familiar sound of crickets buzzing and chirping. The night was cloudless, showing the stars in sharp relief against the velvet black sky. A small hint of breeze blew down from the hills, bringing with it the smell of water from the river two miles behind the house.

_It feels good to be home,_ he thought with satisfaction.

He was tired, dead tired, and knowing he had to be up first thing just made him feel even wearier. He'd spent the past two days behind the wheel of his truck, towing a horse trailer behind, and had no doubt that his ass had permanently shaped the driver's seat. But the drive home from Texas had been worth the fatigue he was feeling now. He was excited about their newest acquisitions, some prize Quarter Horse mares and a stallion named Thor he was planning on putting out to stud. He had a feeling about one of them, a gorgeous Palomino who stood 15 hands and moved like a dream. Something about her spoke to him, and told him she was going to be an amazing animal once he was done with her.

Horse trading was his calling, and he was very, very good at it. He was well-respected in the horse community, both for his shrewd negotiations and his natural ability to see champions in the most average-seeming horses. Horses bought from the Cullen ranch were held in highest regard, and Carlisle's opinions were dutifully studied by those aspiring to his level of greatness.

Yet despite these things, Carlisle was as far from conceited as a man could be. He was generous to a fault, and shared advice openly and willing with anyone who asked. His business and personal relationships were all based on trust and honesty, and valued by all. He merely saw himself as doing his job as well as he could. The fact that he was great at it was a wonderful perk. But the deeply satisfying thrill he got when a deal fell into his hands, something less he could make more, was what made it worthwhile

While Carlisle still felt the same thrill of acquisition that had convinced him to spend his life doing it, he felt his age suddenly upon him, like a physical weight across his shoulders. Sitting back in his rocking chair, he was unsure which creaked more; his bones or the ancient rocker. Holding back a grimace, he looked through a haze of blue pipe smoke into his youngest son's serious face.

Edward was leaning against the porch rail, one booted heel resting against the bottom of it. His jeans were well-worn and faded and his white cotton tee shirt was smeared with dirt in places. His hat was tipped back on his head, letting coppery hair desperately in need of a trim fall across his forehead. And while his lanky frame was relaxed at the moment, his face still held something...ready, almost wary. Carlisle frowned again as he noticed it, then reminded himself it was too late to ask Edward about it. He knew that the boy he'd sent off to college, the wild and wickedly intelligent boy who had loved to laugh, had come home last week wrapped in the skin of a stranger. Someone whose eyes were always watching, taking things in and perhaps filing them away for later use. He carried himself like a man always ready to act.

_And there it is. He carries himself like a man because he IS a man, who grew from the little boy you remember._

_ He's not your little boy anymore._

Feeling as ancient as dirt after that thought, Carlisle snorted quietly and tapped his pipe out into a glass dish Esme left there for that purpose.

"What do I think of the new batch? I think you could sell ice to an Eskimo and make a great profit. I can't believe you got them for the price you did. That palomino mare, with the white blaze on her face, is going to make every rancher within 100 miles green with envy. She's perfect."

As Edward spoke, his features became animated, his blue-green eyes lighting up in a way they only did when he talked about horses. And in his excitement, Carlisle could see the child again in the man's face. Taking comfort in the fact that a part of his sweet little boy was underneath the hard edges and rough planes. Carlisle allowed himself a moment of contented gloating and fatherly pride.

He was proud of who Edward had become. A man with vision and the skill and intellect to make it reality. A man who wasn't afraid of hard work; indeed, Edward seemed to enjoy the physical labor that was so much of their work on the ranch. But lately Edward's dedication seemed to border on obsession. As if he was trying to ignore everything else around him by focusing all his energy into the ranch.

He sometimes wondered if Edward didn't need something more in his life. Something besides horses and the ranch to keep him going. A some_one_ maybe, who would talk back to Edward when Edward spoke. If he ever did speak.

_And that's none of your business old man. If the boy wants to talk to you, he knows he can. If he needs to he will. Just let it lie._

Carlisle knew Edward had no problems as far as women were concerned. It was that very fact that bothered him so much. His attachments were easy-come, easy-go, with none of the hardships involved in forging deeper, lasting relationships. Whereas the normal progression of most couples would involve bickering and occasional fights, Edward's never did. They simply seemed to have a shelf life of three months or less, and at the end of that time it was simply done.

Reminding himself again that his son was a grown man, and entitled to his own life, Carlisle focused on the here and now. He watched with silent joy as Edward continued praising the palomino, the hard planes of his face softened by awe and wonder.

_Oh kid, where has time gone, that I am now an old man. And you, who sat so small and brave on your first horse yesterday, only yesterday, are grown into a man who makes me proud every time he calls me "Father"._

When he spoke, his voice betrayed none of his internal weariness.

"I was thinking about offering Thor to Miss Swan for her mare, Ladyhawk. She should be in season soon."

"Miss Swan or the mare?" Edward couldn't resist asking, but immediately felt a small twinge of regret at his father's disapproving look. Carlisle had always seen the Swan's only daughter as an extension of their own family, and now that Charlie and Renee were gone he felt compelled to look after her. He also was slightly less than appreciative of Edward's sometimes crass sense of humor.

_Not that she would let him take care of her, that one. She was as stubborn as a mule when she was a kid. Although, I guess she's an adult now too since we were the same age._ Edward could see her vaguely in his mind, just a memory of a slight girl with mousy brown hair and too-wide eyes that avoided his as she shyly asked after Alice. In the way of small-town gossip, no less rabid despite the miles between people and homes, he'd heard a little about her. He'd heard she'd grown up in the past few years while he'd been in Arizona, and that her parents had died suddenly leaving her mostly alone in the world.

But mostly what he'd heard was that she'd been fighting tooth and nail to keep from losing her ranch, something the gossipers inevitably followed with a sad head shake and forlorn sigh. Everyone knew it was a lost cause, most wishing she'd sell it all quickly and not draw the process out. "For her own sake," was how he heard it most often phrased.

_Doesn't sound like she's lost any of that stubbornness along the way. Probably doesn't want to lose her parents place, or feels like she's got to prove herself. Too bad it really is a lost cause. She'd be better off selling it and living the high life off the profits._

Shrugging to himself he thought there was no accounting for women. Every last one of them was strange. God knew he'd loved enough of them to know that fact first hand. And he did love them. _All _of them. The way they laughed, they way they were soft and firm and everything in between. The way their skin felt sliding against his, the way they said his name in whispers and screams, and the inferno of heat between their thighs. The heat that they offered like forbidden fruits from heaven when he asked. He loved women, and they loved him. It worked out great for everyone, in his opinion. As long as no one got serious, no one got hurt, and everyone was happy in the end. He'd become a pro at leaving friends behind him in the form of exes.

"Girlfriend" was a term he scorned; it sounded like middle school kids or something. He preferred his women to be just that: women. Smart enough to know it wasn't serious, and smart enough not to make a scene when it ended. They took the good, and Edward wasn't too modest to admit is was very _very_ good, and left the bad. Edward considered all the fighting involved in serious relationships the bad. He didn't want to mix sex and arguing; why ruin a good thing?

Still smiling at Carlisle he responded, "She'd be crazy not to use him, Thor was made for...reproducing." Edward bit back the term he'd been about to use, knowing by Carlisle's frown he hadn't fooled him.

"True, but Bella...well, she's got a lot of Charlie's pride in her. Any help I offer, she'd likely see it as charity and have nothing to do with it, which just tears me up. That girl _needs_ help right now, and she's bound and determined to make it on her own. If she could get by on grit alone, she'd never have another worry. Damned determined women," he said on an exhale of smoke, then quickly looked around the porch.

"And you don't have to tell your mother I said that", he muttered under his breath.

Edward laughed out loud, knowing Carlisle adored every determined bone in Esme's petite body, and wouldn't have changed a thing about her. He also knew part of the reason his love life remained on the shallow side was his parents. Not anything they'd done to scar him, quite the opposite in fact. They'd shown him the best of it, love that was true and deep. He'd grown up seeing that love shown frequently, in simple touches and kind words. Shit, he'd seen them give each other looks so hot they could set a room on fire. And that had been last week.

Even Emmett and Rose, whose love was totally different than his parents though no less deep, were completely wrapped up in each other, unable to stop pawing each other for more than five minutes at a time. They were like the world's most passionate teenagers, but worse because they were supposed to be grown adults. And that was after years of being together. Edward knew love like theirs or his parents' was something that didn't happen often, and he figured his chances were pretty damn slim. Nothing he had experienced had come anywhere near what his parents shared, and he wouldn't settle for anything less. So he'd just go without and enjoy what pleasures he did get.

Still laughing at Carlisle's comment, he glanced up when a light went off on the second story of the Swan place next door.

_Probably little Isabella, sleeping to dream of better times_, he thought a little cynically. He could admit to himself that he was impressed by her sheer determination, which appeared to rival his own, but he doubted the rumors that she'd grown up. Maybe by small town standards, but not in the world Edward had seen. He'd grown up quickly in the midst of his experiences; it had seemed a better option than dying, so he'd taken it.

_Took it and ran, like a little fucking kid, _Edward thought, then quickly closed the door on the memories threatening to flood out.

_Shut it down Cullen, and lock it the fuck up. Did, done, and moved on. You're home now._

And while he'd been fighting to get through each day alive, Isabella Swan had been feeding horses and picking flowers in the fields. He knew she'd spent her entire life in Big Sky, Montana, with the exception of the two years of college she'd spent in Milestown. Which was all of three hours from Big Sky. She had been safe and sheltered at home while he had been in Arizona, making the most of his college career, both academically and socially.

Edward had felt like three years in college had given him all it could. In between parties and dates and the huge-scaled pranks they attempted, he had wrung every detail about animal husbandry, breeding lines, and Arabian horses the from the school. He was attentive in class, though he usually hid behind sunglasses while he recovered from the previous night's hangover and rarely volunteered information.

His professors had at first been irritated by his nonchalant approach to learning, and had relentlessly questioned him for the first few months. They attempted to take him by surprise when they were sure he was sleeping behind his shades, using the rapid-fire technique lawyers used to ruin his concentration. They even asked him about things far beyond the course studies he was responsible for. Eventually though they had left him to his own devices; the scope of his knowledge had astounded most of them. Invariably he had the right answer when questioned, and often gave answers detailed enough to set the professors teeth on edge. They were protective of their knowledge like dragons guarding gold ingots; the fact that some smart alec kid knew as much, if not more, than most of them made them less than cordial. Eventually, they began to ignore him as much as possible in class, leaving him to his own devices. Edward hadn't minded; he had a lot of sleep to catch up anyway.

When he'd graduated, with honors, he and his roommate Jasper Hale had a three day party of epic proportions. The house he and Jasper shared had been filled with people, booze, smoke, and loud music the entire time. Edward had a hazy recollection of two bottles of tequila, two episodes of impromptu streaking through the neighbors' yards, and two giggling blonde girls. Both of whom had been friendly. And flexible. It was a fond memory, what there was of it, for more than the sexual experiences he'd had during the long night.

When he'd woken up three days later, he'd wanted to die. His head had been filled with a band of tiny demons on giant drums playing death metal with the speakers turned up to eleven. His mouth felt lined with sandpaper, and tasted like a litterbox smelled. _He_ smelled. It was a familiar but disgusting combination of alcohol leaving his pores as sweat, cheap perfume, smoke, and stale sex. He'd stumbled out of the room, not his own but the spare bedroom, and took in the state of his house.

People slept on the floor in piles, arms and legs tangled in each other. The two blondes, he couldn't remember their names, were curled up together in the recliner, an old coat thrown across them like a blanket. One intrepid soul had lined up the bar stools and slept across them, three feet above the floor. Pizza boxes, plastic cups, and clothes covered every available space. There were makeshift ashtrays overflowing onto the floor. The entire kitchen table was covered in what appeared to be the Coliseum of Rome made entirely from empty beer cans, historically accurate in it's destruction and ruin.

He found his coffeemaker under a pair of purple underwear that appeared to be made of nothing more than dental floss. When he opened the cabinet to get the filters he slammed corner of it into his forehead, making him curse while he spooned coffee into the machine. Starting it with shaking fingers, he put both hands over his face and leaned his head down on the kitchen counter. Directly into something sticky.

Something in Edward's tired, throbbing head said, "_This is it. It's time to go."_

And it was right. He was suddenly tired of this life. It had been fun, but now it was time to chase the dreams he'd worked so hard to nurture. He'd walked back into his room, thrown on the first pair of jeans he found, tossed a shirt over his shoulder, and picked up the keys to his 1965 Mustang Fastback. Pausing at the front door to slip on his boots and grab his shades, he'd walked out of the house without a second look, the coffeepot, the blondes, the mess all forgotten.

Two days later he'd called Jasper to tell him he'd found a job and could use a hand. Jasper had taken things in stride his normal calm way, and packed what few things they had worth saving. Everything had gone into a storage unit except a few changes of clothes for each of them, and Jasper had jumped into his old battered truck to drive out to the desert and meet Edward.

The next few months had been an education for both of them. They'd entered a world neither of them had been prepared for, and when they'd finally gotten away, both had been ready to put it behind them. They hadn't discussed what they'd seen, and shared the silent understand that it wouldn't be brought out into the light.

The one point of light during that time was the Arabians. The man they had worked with was a Bedouin man who went by the improbable name of Wade Wiggins. Wade taught them everything he knew about Arabian horses, knowledge passed down through generations of the Bedouin people some say were the original breeders of the first Arabian horse. Their culture was rich in horse lore, making their Arabians into gods of mythic proportions. Edward took it all in raptly, though more sensibly than Wade's ancestors had. He didn't see them as gods, or magical spirits, or omens of fortune and death.

He saw them as the most beautiful things on Earth.

Growing up on a ranch had instilled a deep love of all horses, but something about the Arabian's had gotten into him and held on tenaciously. They were intelligent, and strong, and powerfully graceful. There was nothing in the world more beautiful than an Arabian moving. Watching them run through the hot desert air at full speed, muscles moving in a symphony of perfection, bunching and stretching under gloriously shiny coats, Edward could feel his own soul running with them.

But eventually Wade and his bottom-feeding associates had crossed lines Edward hadn't dreamed of. He bitterly recalled the night he and Jasper had escaped with their lives. Barely. Edward could hardly remember the minutes after, when they had packed their meager belongings into Jasper's truck. It was a haze in his mind, and he was thankful for it. The moments preceding it were horribly clear.

Towing Edward's car behind them they had driven through the night and the entire next day. They hadn't spoken much, each of them dealing with what they'd seen in their own silent way. And silently agreeing not to talk about it again.

When they'd arrived in Montana, Edward had felt a moment of panic as his hand rested on the door handle. He'd looked at the house he'd grown up in and known that they wouldn't let him in. They would see where he had been and who he'd become and send him away. His sins would be written on his face and his mother and father would shake their heads and turn from him in shame.

When he'd realized Jasper was waiting on him to exit the truck, looking at him expectantly, Edward had buried his fears and led his friend up to the house. And when Esme had opened the door with a shocked shriek and immediately burst into tears, he'd rushed into her outstretched arms and let her love surround him, healing something inside him. For a moment he was just a little boy taking comfort in his mother's fierce embrace. When Carlisle came up behind her, Edward had to fight the urge to look away from his eyes. But Carlisle had looked back at him, a wide grin splitting his face, and said, _Welcome home son_.

Edward knew his father would hire Jasper in a heartbeat after seeing him with the horses, and Carlisle had needed not even that confirmation. He'd taken Edward's word and hired Jasper on the spot, giving him a room with the rest of the ranch hands. Jasper had fit in like he'd always been there, earning respect from the old timers with his calm outlook and undeniable skill with the horses. Edward had jumped back into the work with a vengeance, determined to block out the darkness he'd left behind him. Most nights he was so exhausted he fell into sleep like a light, on one moment and off the next.

Standing on the porch with his father for another moment, Edward enjoy the comfortable silence that had grown between them. The familiar smells of Carlisle's pipe smoke and the softly whirring crickets soothed him, relaxing parts of him he hadn't been aware were tense.

_I'm home._

The thought filled him with peace, and he wondered if tonight he would sleep easy, untouched by nightmares of shadowy figures in dark places filled with screams.

Telling Carlisle goodnight, he cast one look back at the dark window at the Swan's house, then walked inside. With each step he felt exhaustion taking over, making it harder to keep his eyes open as he stumbled up the stairs to his room. Stopping only long enough to kick off his boots and toss his hat in a chair, he fell face first onto the bed and into sleep.

Rocking in silence Carlisle lit his pipe again and closed his eyes. The creaking screen door gave Esme away before she sat in a rocker next to him. Without opening his eyes he reached for her hand, feeling the familiar warmth suffuse him as she pressed her tiny palm into his. They sat that way for long minutes, sharing their love in silence.

When Esme finally spoke, her voice was pitched low, the way people seem to speak naturally during the late hours of the evening.

"Did Edward talk to you at all?"

"He talked a plenty. About that palomino, and his plans for the west paddock, and Thor's...virility."

Esme sighed, and Carlisle knew what she had been asking. Her worry for Edward's haunted eyes was where part of his own concern stemmed from. Anything that hurt her hurt him as well.

"I think we just need to give him some space, some time to readjust to being home again."

Esme knew Carlisle didn't completely believe his own statement, but didn't point it out. Squeezing her husband's calloused hand she let happiness take over, pushing worry to the back. For now at least.

"Our children are all home again," she said, finally looking over at him.

He smiled at her, and brushed his finger over her knuckle slowly, taking in her joy at having all her children around her again.

"We've done good dear. We've done damn good, for them and for ourselves."

Esme smiled back at him, each of them in accordance. He stood slowly, trying to disguise his stretching as a gallant bow to kiss her hand. She giggled, sounding just like she had when she was a fresh-faced teenager, and Carlisle was again reminded of how lucky he was to have her.

_If only my children can find this for themselves. I don't think I'd be happy if they settled for anything less._

Helping Esme to her feet, they went inside and to their bed still hand in hand.

**A/N: **Thanks to Lady Draco Violet for her sick beta skills. She's beyond awesome.

Reviews are not only fun, but informative! I love knowing what you guys think, love, or hate.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. The remainder is my original work. Copy or reproduction in any form without my express written consent is . Copyright January 2010 by Word Ninja. **_

Big Sky

CHAPTER 3

_**"Don't worry. Things will get worse." **_

_**~George Skelton **_

The next morning found Bella slightly out of sorts. She had slept like the dead, but woke feeling a little wired and edgy and just generally pissed at the world. Putting on her headphones, she found some fast paced, angsty music on her iPod, turned it up loud, and went out to start her day in the dark, under the last sliver of moon. She crossed her fingers that her day went better than her waking had been.

Five hours later, dirty, pissed off, and dripping sweat, Bella decided that the day couldn't get much worse. She'd stubbed her toe walking into the barn, ruining her early morning moment of inner peace. Then one of the cows had crushed her foot with its own, she'd tripped over her own feet trying to get out of the pen, and eaten a face full of dirt. It had progressed steadily down hill from there.

Now she was sitting next to the ancient rust-covered pump in the stables, trying her hardest not to scream as loud as she could. And possibly kick something extremely hard. The pump, an original from the early 1900's, supplied her horses with water brought up from a deep well. Except that for now Bella was doing that herself with buckets, a hose, and lots of walking back and forth.

Bella knew next to nothing when it came to pump repairs, but she couldn't afford to have someone fix it for her. When a guy from town came out and looked at it, she'd asked questions about everything, requiring detailed answers to each of them before she'd move on to the next. Then when he'd given her the estimate, she'd sadly shaken her head and thanked him, rushing him out so she could write notes on all she'd learned before she forgot. She'd need them to fix the damn thing herself.

Which had so far been a complete disaster.

_No surprise there, I'm an English major, not a handyman_, she thought, and cursed as her wrench slipped again, scraping her already raw knuckles. Slowly and very carefully Bella lined the wrench up, tunneling all her frustration down into her arms, concentrating as hard as she could on making it work.

_Please God, or the Force, or Yogi Bear...let it work this time. Because I only have patience enough left for one last try, and after that I am turning this hunk of metal in a pipe bomb and blowing the entire damn thing up._

Taking a deep breath, she threw her full body weight against the stubborn bolt. When it suddenly gave, to her complete surprise, she fell forward and dropped the wrench on her already-battered foot. Hopping around in pain, her foot throbbing, she tripped over the wrench and went sprawling, landing belly down on the dirt floor, her hair plastered to her sweat-covered forehead.

"Fuck!" she said, then shouted it for good measure. It made her feel a little better, as she slowly stood and wiped her dirty, bloody hands on her no-less-dirty jeans. Hearing a low chuckle behind her, she quickly whirled around, almost losing her balance again. She caught herself at the last moment, and gathered the remaining shreds of her dignity around her as she straightened up to see who would dare laugh at her today.

As her furious brown eyes met Edward Cullen's cool blue-green ones, she cursed again silently in her head.

_Did I really think my day couldn't get any worse? _

Looking at the girl in front of him, Edward couldn't help grinning. She wasn't much bigger than his little sister Alice, but she was wrestling with the huge wrench like a champ. He could see her bloody knuckles, evidence of her struggles, and the strings of hair laying damp on the back of her neck. When she went forward into the dirt, he stopped himself from instinctively stepping forward to help her. But when she started cussing at the top of her lungs, he couldn't hold back a laugh. She was just so funny, all tiny and fierce and red-faced.

When she stood up and looked at him, he could tell she was in no mood for humor at her own expense. Her brown eyes were like hard river rocks, and he was almost certain if they'd been equipped with daggers, he'd be dead. Still smiling, he stood a moment to take all of her in; it had been a few years since he'd seen Isabella Swan. When he'd left for Arizona, she'd been a quiet, shy girl, rarely seen without a book in her hands when he saw her at all.

_Not a girl anymore though, is she? _

Looking at her now, he had a hard time remembering the mousy little ghost he'd dismissed so she had been straight up and down as a child she was now all curves and contours. Her sweat drenched shirt clung appealingly to her body, showing exactly where those curves were, making his male ego want to hum in appreciation. She was undoubtedly a woman, and boy, did she look mad. Every muscle in her slight body was tensed, and he watched her hands ball up into tiny fists at her sides. Her face was still flushed, and her lips were pressed together in a thin line. He could tell she'd grown up physically while he was gone. There was a tightness around her eyes that hadn't been there before, and her slender shoulders seemed bowed under the stress she was carrying. Her cheeks were slightly hollowed, as were the spaces above her collar bones. She looked like she needed a good night's sleep, not to mention a long hot shower.

She was breathtakingly beautiful.

_What?! This sweaty, dirty little ragamuffin...beautiful? Get a grip, Cullen. She's still a girl, no matter how grown up she looks. And you know better than to go sniffing around her; she's about as off limits as they get. There are plenty of easier chicks in town for a quick roll in a bed. _

And had he momentarily been thinking of her that way? Sweaty and flushed, laying under him on his bed, her small hands fisted in sheets instead of against her sides? Yes, yes he had. The thought was ridiculously appealing, so he forced it out of his mind quickly.

_Definitely need to get laid. Soon._

"Hello Isabella," he said, getting his features under control. He straightened and took a few steps towards her, pulling a faded blue bandana from his back pocket and holding it out to her.

Bella looked at it for a moment, her dark eyebrows drawn together as she looked from the bandana to him and back again. She looked him in the eye as she pulled her own bandana from her pocket, swiping her neck and face with it. Shoving it back in her pants, she brushed her hair off her forehead and glared at him in silence for a moment before she said,

"No one calls me Isabella. It's just Bella. What do you want, Cullen?"

_So, she's still smarting over me seeing her face plant the dirt. Do I make it worse, or act like an adult? She is adorable when she's pissed off..._

Deciding to take the high road, for Carlisle's sake, he ignored her short tone and tucked his bandana back into his pocket, leaning against the door to one of the stalls. Purposely acting casual, he crossed one booted foot in front of the other, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Carlisle and Esme sent me over. They wanted to invite you for dinner tonight, and Esme's made enough food for a small country. Alice told me to say she misses you and you'd better come. Emmett said if you didn't, he'd come over here and carry you back himself."

Unable to stop the smile that came at the thought of Emmett throwing her over his massive shoulder and taking her back, something he was entirely capable of and likely to do, Bella blew out an exasperated breath and mentally gathered herself.

It wasn't in her nature to stay upset for long, she just wasn't built that way. And it wasn't Edward's fault that he looked sinfully sexy leaning up against the stall, relaxed and smiling his little cat-in-the-cream smile. His white cotton shirt stretched across shoulders that were well-muscled, and she took a moment to reassess him. He'd been a lean, lanky teenager, not quite skinny but far from the man he'd become. His body had filled out with wiry muscles, while his face had been sharpened somehow, losing all it's boyhood softness. And he was standing there in her barn as comfortably as if it were his own, looking like a cowboy model for a cheesy western-themed wall calendar while she was a filthy mess.

Damn him for being gorgeous. And double damn him for seeing her fall on her face.

"Please tell Carlisle and Esme I'd love to. What time should I be there?" She had to get him out of there before she imploded with embarrassment. She could feel the flush already creeping up her neck to her face.

"Around 6 should be fine. That'll give Esme a chance to mother you sufficiently, and Emmett a chance to flirt."

Like Emmett would ever flirt with her with a wife like Rose, blonde goddess of perfection. Bella snorted at the thought, and dusted her hands off on her jeans again. She hissed in pain as her scraped knuckles smarted against the rough denim.

Absently sucking on her injured knuckle, she glanced at the big clock across the barn in her office as. It was already two o'clock, and she was wasting time she didn't have standing there with Edward.

And her complete mortification at falling in front of Edward had fully set in. She could feel her twelve-year-old self creeping back, making her want to blush furiously and shake her hair over her face in embarrassment. She knew if she had to carry on any more conversation with him she would start stuttering, a nervous habit that drove her wild

His intense eyes narrowed slightly as he watched her with her knuckle in her mouth, and she quickly removed it, abashed.

Triple damn him for still making her feel like the clumsiest, mousiest, plainest Jane there ever was. He was in _her_ barn, she could do what she wanted. And she wasn't a damn kid any more, automatic reactions aside.

"That's fine, I'll be there. See you later Cullen," she said, and walked quickly past him into the warm sunlight outside the barn, resisting the urge to run as fast as she could.

She didn't see him follow her progress with eyes that were suddenly a sharper green, and speculative.

**A/N : **

**Doesn't it always seem to work that way? It does for me at least. I always look my worst when I want to look my best. Ugh.**

Massive thanks to Lady Draco Violet for her beta badassness. Her edits are always pure gold, and she fills in my blanks involving barn knowledge with her own. Any mistakes are mine, not hers.

Review please?

I respond to all reviews, and every writer needs unbiased opinions, good or bad.

Sorry this chapter is so short, but I promise they get longer :)

Bella's early morning angsty song – Kiss With A Fist by Florence + the Machine

www[dot]youtube[dot]com/watch?v=1SmxVCM39j4

Next update in a few days!


	4. Chapter 4

_**Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. The remainder is my original work. **__**No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.**__** Copyright January 2010 by Word Ninja. **_

**A/N: Ok, so I feel like I should post a warning here, but I don't want to give anything away. Just remember there's an M rating for a reason. **

Big Sky

CHAPTER 4

"_**Where we love is home.  
Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts."  
~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.**_

The rest of Bella's day passed in a haze of sweat and heat. She worked out all the frustration she felt on the chores, tackling each of them like she was going to war with it and taking no prisoners. When she finished laying clean straw in the last stable she was nearly thirty minutes ahead of her normal schedule.

_Nothing like working off frustration to get things done quickly._

_ Or make you feel like you wrestled with a bear and lost._

Rolling her shoulders painfully as she walked from the stable into the sweltering afternoon sunlight, she knew that she would regret her ferocious attack on the chores when she woke tomorrow with achingly tight muscles. For the moment though, she was glad. She was going to need the few extra minutes to get rid of the rest of her anger before she left for the Cullen's. Carlisle and Esme were so wonderful, and she didn't want to take her bad mood with her into their home.

_Even if it is mostly their son's fault, _a snide voice in her head whispered.

When Edward had laughed at her in the barn, she'd been not only furious, but embarrassed as well. And then she'd been pissed again for feeling embarrassed about falling in front of him. Why did she care what he thought of her?

She'd managed to hold on to that self-righteous anger long enough to finish the conversation, albeit a little abruptly. But he'd kept staring at her with his intense eyes, and she'd seen the laughter hidden behind the calm coolness. Embarrassment had crept over her slowly, making her stomach twist into slimy knots and forcing her eyes from his. As soon as she'd sensed her exit, she'd damn near run from him, out into the open air where she could breathe deeply and not smell him in each breath. The smell of sweat and soap; something primal in her couldn't help but react to. It was a clean, hard-working smell, one that made her heart beat erratically and her mouth go dry as a desert.

She hated that smell, and the way her traitorous body responded instantly to it.

So she'd thrown herself into her work, mucking out the long rows of stalls and putting fresh straw down. Using a pitchfork to break up the heavy bales was tough work that used every ounce of strength she had. Each time she lifted the straw and released it from the end of the pitchfork with a practiced shake of her wrist, she let go of a little bit of irritation. The rest of it she'd sweated out, too tired to hold onto it anymore.

Finally walking into her house at 5:30 that evening, she left her muddy boots at the door and went straight to the shower. Turning the hot water all the way up, a low moan escaped her mouth when she stepped under the spray. Bella closed her eyes in the steam and felt the tension leaving her body.

Feeling fully refreshed as she stepped out onto the cool tile floor, she glanced at the clock as she wrapped a towel around her.

_5:40. Plenty of time to be there by 6:00._

She didn't wear make-up, or blow dry her hair, or fuss with her clothes. Not that she couldn't, should an occasion call for it, but it was ridiculous to put her spare minutes into primping.

_For who, the horses? I'm sure they'd love it if I work mascara to the barn._

Spare minutes were practically nonexistent for Bella, and they weren't to be squandered lightly. Blow dryers and makeup definitely fell into the "lightly squandered" heading of time management.

Her one concession was to use her mother's lotion on her face and arms. The light scents of lemon and honeysuckle relaxed and energized her at the same time, and brought Renee immediately to mind.

One of Renee's short-lived passions had been aroma therapy. She read books on how to make essential oils out of the local flora and fauna, learned how to put them into lotions and soaps. Everyone they knew had received a basket of soap and lotion for that year. Renee's favorite had been the lemon and honeysuckle lotion; it reminded her of waking up happy each day. She'd gone overboard in her production, making three giant vats full of the stuff, enough to fill over fifty of the bottles she used to store it. It was easily a lifetime's supply of scented lotion, and such a classically Renee thing to do. She was always diving in headfirst with a big splash, only to find herself over her head and quickly bored.

Smiling a little at her reflection at the memory of her flighty, adoring mother, Bella took a moment to center herself.

_You can do this Bella. Dinner at the Cullen's, something you've done more times than you can count. Besides, it's been too long since you just spent time with other people outside of the ranch, and that's probably not healthy. Esme and Alice will be thrilled, and you know you'll have a great time._ _You always do._

Feeling her confidence bolstered, she left the bathroom and walked across the wooden floor to her closet. While Alice and Esme both despaired of what they considered "_the deepest depths of __fashion depravity_" (a direct quote from Alice), Bella didn't see the reason to fill the space just because it was there. She had rows of work jeans, a few pairs of nicer jeans, and one pair of high dollar designer jeans Alice had talked her into buying last year.

Alice had sensed an easy target when she saw Bella turning in slow circles in front of the mirror, admiring how they fit her like they were custom made, the perfectly faded blue color. Five minutes of constant praise from Alice was all it took. Bella was signing her credit card receipt before she could regret spending such a ridiculous amount on one pair of jeans.

She'd only worn them three times in the year she'd owned them. Once on a date with Mike Newton, a guy she'd known vaguely from school and met one day at the feed store. He had been attentive and nearly drooling over her, which made her ego bloom, enough so that when he'd asked her on a date she'd quickly said yes.

The date had been alright, although she quickly grew tired of Mike's sidelong glances at her chest and butt, and his bland sense of humor. Still she had decided that if he tried to kiss her goodnight, she would let him. She'd felt pretty good about that until they'd reached her front door. Her good feeling had ended quickly when he'd leaned in to kiss her under the porch light. She'd left her eyes open for a moment longer than him, and the expression on his face had made her laugh out loud.

_He looks like a freaking Golden Retriever Bella. With squinchy eyes and wet-looking fish lips._

Unable to hold back her laughter, even after his eyes had flown open in shock. Her arms were clutching her sides, she could feel hot tears rolling down her cheeks, and still she couldn't stop giggling like a hyper twelve year old. The poor guy had simply stared wide-eyed at her, then turned and walked quietly back to his car, slamming the door and throwing gravel as he backed out of the drive way. Bella was still laughing when all that was left was a smudge of dust rising at the end of the street, just before it went out of sight.

Pulling herself together, she had walked inside feeling guilt and remorse slithering out from the dark places they hid. She had tried laughing again, but it had made her feel almost nauseous with guilt.

_What the hell is wrong with you Bella? He was nice, kind of sweet, and he thought you were beautiful. He wanted to kiss you goodnight for Christ's sake, and you laughed in his scrunched up face. If someone did that to you it would be awful._

She'd called Mike the next day to apologize, working up her nerve for two hours before she'd allowed the line to ring. After saying she hadn't known what came over her, and hearing dead silence for a few very awkward moments, she was about to say something, anything, when he did first.

_"Whatever. You're just a dumb cunt. No wonder the guys told me not to waste my time. I like hot-blooded women, not frigid bitches."_

The phone clicked as he disconnected, but Bella hadn't heard it. Her ears were filled with a strange rushing sound like wind flying by her, and her stomach clenched up so tightly she had to double over, dropping the phone as she pressed her arms into her belly.

No one had ever said anything like that to her in her life. She had never attracted enough attention to make anyone really go out of their way to be nice or mean to her. She was just the background to their spotlight. But he had called her a cunt, a word that held one of the highest ranks on her list-of-things-you-never-say. He had called her a frigid bitch, which was almost as bad. And what did he mean, saying he had been told not to waste his time. Told by whom? And why?

Who was it that claimed she was a waste of time, and felt the need to warn others away from her? Someone she knew, a friend? And why was she a waste of time? Or a frigid bitch?

_They think you're a waste of time because you're a frigid bitch Bella. Whoever "they" is._

Suddenly the questions had flown too quickly through her mind, their erratic patterns making her dizzy and unbalanced. The answer, that she could not unthink now that she had thought, made her stomach lurch horribly.

She had barely made it to the sink before she emptied her stomach. Nearly an hour later she'd lain her head on the counter, exhausted both physically and mentally. She'd felt so terrible the entire time, helpless and hopeless with the thought that people saw her as cold and unfeeling. She didn't think she was either.

_Just because I didn't flirt with every guy in school like Alice, or say yes to any of the guys in college, that doesn't make me cold. They just didn't do it for to me. _

And in a quiet voice, just after that, "_No one does it for me like Edward does."_

Which was complete and utter bullshit. She'd told herself she was beyond caring about Edward, he was a childhood crush, puppy love at it's finest. He would not rule her every thought and waking dream.

But as she had slowly lifted her head from the sink, she realized she had done just that. She had subconsciously compared every prospective date with Edward, and each had come up lacking. She hadn't given anyone a chance to let her down, because who could compare with Edward? Despite all his flaws and bad characteristics, something deep inside her..._quivered..._every time she thought of him, much less was near him.

And now she was paying the price. She'd been waiting for a man she knew would never come, and even worse, she'd denied it to herself for years. Now she was a frigid-waste-of-time-bitch.

Shaking her head against that still-powerful memory, Bella looked past the designer jeans to her everyday pairs. Taking the closest pair at hand, she remembered the second and third time she'd worn them. To a seedy motel outside of Raleigh, North Carolina, with a man whose last name she didn't know.

Bella had flown to North Carolina with Alice, to help her friend pick some new stock for the Cullen ranch. They spent the entire day walking from horse to horse, getting slowly covered in dust and chaff. Once they'd gotten back to the hotel room, Alice had proclaimed the immediate need to "woman-up". It was a patented Alice phrase that meant hours of primping and polishing followed by hours of flirting and fucking. Alice's definition.

Bella would normally have chained herself to the bed or run screaming from the room, but had immediately recalled Mike's comments.

_"...frigid bitch..."_

And something primal had reared it's ugly head, turning every fiber of female in her on full alert. She would show "them" hot. She was in a strange town, full of strange people whom she'd never see again. If she couldn't cut loose here, where could she?

So she'd sat patiently in her chair as Alice plucked, pulled, brushed and powdered her into beauty. Dressed in her designer jeans, her good boots, and Alice's sexy tank top, Bella felt ready to woman-up all night long.

Which was exactly what she'd done. Buying her second beer at the crowded bar, she felt some someone knock her elbow. Turning automatically, she'd met a pair of light blue eyes nearly covered with shaggy, reddish-brown hair. When he'd grinned, she grinned back, feeling high on confidence and alcohol.

Two hours later she'd been screaming his name as she came almost painfully. They'd met again the next night, before she'd left town, and again she'd been amazed by her powerful climax. The entire plane ride back she'd giggled with Alice about what she'd done, feeling half proud and half ashamed at her reckless abandon. Alice has shrugged saying that ever girl had needs to be met, and Bella wasn't exempt.

She'd held on to that feeling of empowerment until she'd driven past the Cullen's house on the way to her own.

_He looked like Edward._

She'd slammed on the brakes, throwing up a cloud of dust as her tires locked up.

_His light blue eyes were almost sea green, and his hair was just a few shades away from being copper._

She'd made love to a stranger with more passion than she'd known she was capable of, because she'd made him into Edward. An Edward she could touch, who would touch her back.

The designer jeans had sat on their shelf since she'd unpacked her suitcases from North Carolina.

Reaching past the simple cotton tee shirts she wore to work in every day, she took out her most presentable blouse. It was thin cotton in the palest yellow, dotted with tiny blue flowers, and when she wore it she felt like summertime. Happy and cheerful and carefree.

Exactly how she wanted to feel tonight.

Dragging a brush quickly through her damp hair, she gave herself a once over in the mirror.

_Calm and relaxed, Bella, calm and relaxed._

_ I will be utterly unfazed by Edward Stupid Cullen._

Pulling on her broken-in boots, she walked out her front door, towards the Cullen's place.

* * *

The dry summer air lay heavy on the land. The earth itself radiated out the heat it soaked up throughout the mercilessly sunny day. All around her was the sound of insects buzzing and humming; somewhere in the distance she could hear the unmistakable low pitched growl of a tractor running. Every breath she took was filled with searing heat and the smell of sun-baked earth. She could feel the familiar lethargy settling over her, relaxing her muscles, making her eyelids droop slightly. Summer days in Big Sky always had the same effect on Bella.

They made her want to take a nap.

There was something about the heavy heat, surrounding her like a blanket. Despite any efforts on her part, she couldn't fight the lazy stretches and slow smiles that seemed to go hand in hand with the afternoon hours. And now more than ever, she felt that comfortable sleepiness overtake her, loosening her limbs and muscles. Working long days didn't help her fight the languor.

The eighty yard walk to the Cullen place was fairly short, but she still paused for a moment under the giant cottonwood tree that stood on the boundary between her land and theirs. The shadows there were like cool blue velvet, refreshing her heated skin. It only lasted the space of a handful of steps, and soon she was back in the heat and bright light.

By the time she reached the Cullen's porch, tiny strands of hair had curled loosely into damp ringlets around her face, and she could feel sweat beading between her breasts and along her collarbones. She could also feel her heart racing as if she had sprinted the entire way.

_Relax Bella, just chill out. You've been coming here your entire life, and you've never had any problems making yourself at home. Nothing has changed since the last time you were here._

But something had changed. This time Edward was in there.

_Stop it Bella. Do not give Edward Cullen that much credit. You're an adult, and you have complete control of yourself and your emotions. Just be polite and civil and forget the rest..._

_ ...like the fact that his eyes turn your insides into an entire field of butterflies..._

_ Ugh._

Rolling her shoulders back resolutely, Bella knocked on the massive front door. She could hear loud voices inside, and the sound of heavy things being moved; she recognized the normal soundtrack for a big family gathered together for dinner, but part of her thought how strange it was. Dinner at her house was usually a party of one. When things got too quiet, or she just wanted the company, she'd join the ranch hands for dinner in their cabin. Harry was always so happy to see her, and made the guys stay on their best behavior which Bella found hilarious. The dirtiest joke she'd ever heard from any of them was the old "a white horse fell in a mud puddle". But Harry had told her one about a nun and a priest on her eighteenth birthday, after a bit too much home brew, that had made her blush like hellfire and run the other way.

Bella couldn't hear any appreciable change in the noise level inside, so she knocked harder then turned to look out over the Cullen's land.

The land rolled out for miles around her, gentle hills and valleys growing into mountains in the distance. The emerald green lowlands went on for miles, darkened here and there with deep blue lines of evergreens and golden fields of tall grasses, waving gently in the breeze. The mountains were navy and deep purple, their highest peaks dusted with pristine snow that never melted. As a child, she had imagined them as a group of kings, all wearing majestic purple and royal blue robes with white fur around their collars.

And above it all was the giant bowl of the Montana sky, a fierce, eye-watering blue, stretching as far as the eye could see in every direction. Giant white clouds billowed up into towers and peaks before shifting into horses and dragons as they drifted slowly across it. It was no wonder people called Montana Big Sky; there were places outside the bustling cities, out in the prairies and mountains, where the sky seemed huge, endless and intimidating in it's vastness.

She'd loved to go out as a child and lay in the tall grass, staring up at that endless blue and daydreaming hours away with her mountain kings or the sky castles made of white cotton candy. When she'd been a little older, she'd taken her mother's poetry collections with her. Renee had had many loves, most of them fleeting hobbies quickly forgotten in the excitement of the next thing. But poetry had been one of her lasting loves, and she'd shared it with Bella at an early age. Bella would read everything from Tennyson to Dickinson, and loved it all equally.

Hearing the door open behind her she came out of her reverie and turned with a smile, expecting Esme or Carlisle to be smiling back. It wasn't Esme, it was Edward, and he was giving her the strangest look. Self-consciously she started to raise her hand towards her hair, then determinedly she put it down again. Screw him if he didn't like the way she looked, she wasn't going to care.

_Remember what you said Bella. You're in charge, not him._

He could go find one of those slick glossy women he supposedly preferred. Since he'd been back every woman who still had her wits about her had been busy dissecting his love life, telling little details heard from so-and-so, who knew from thus-and-such, who said that he liked his women like Italian sports cars. Sleek, sexy, and hot as hell.

_And since I fall into none of those categories, and haven't the least desire to, I have absolutely no reason to care what the divine Lo Cullen thinks of my appearance._

She stood there facing him for a moment, feeling the smile fade off her cheeks despite her reinforced resolve not to wilt under his stare. Edward just continued to give her that inscrutable look, drawing a second out into five, making Bella want to shift her feet and look away. Nervously she ran her tongue across her bottom lip. He was looking at her like she was a stranger, or a salesman interrupting his dinner.

_What, does he think I'm going to try and sell him a vacuum or something?_

Bella couldn't help but smile at the thought, and then he was giving her his little quirked-lips grin, moving aside so she could enter the house.

"Esme is in the kitchen trying not to strangle Alice. She said just go on in." And with that Edward left her in the foyer to walk into the next room, where she could hear Emmett and Carlisle arguing over whatever sports game was on the television.

_From zero to sixty in two seconds flat. No surprise I'm left in the dust then. One second he's staring at you like he's trying to see every thought you've ever had, the next he's just the boy who lives next door sending you off to his little sister._

_ Except he's obviously not a boy now. No boy has ever done so little to make you react so much._

_ For that matter, no man has either._

Pausing a moment to stabilize herself, Bella breathed calmly, willing her heartbeat to slow. She was being ridiculous.

_Face it Bella, you've moved beyond ridiculous and into totally fucking loony. In the space of moments, Edward has made you feel self-__conscious__, worried, and...well, let's be honest, animal lust. This mood-shifting thing has got to calm down before your head explodes trying to keep up. You don't have to act like a hormonal teenager around him just because every other woman does. Leave the mood swings to Cullen, he's obviously a pro._

Feeling mostly in control of herself once more, she put her ice-cold fingers against her flaming cheeks to cool them. She was amazed at how one person could have so many different effects on her at the same time, and all against her will.

_ That's Edward; cold one second, hot the next, and no warning in between to prepare for the next shock._

Sighing quietly she placed her hand on the swinging door separating the kitchen from the huge foyer.

_ Screw Edward. My stomach is tied up in knots, my inner thighs feel like they may give out at any second, and all he did was smile. _

_ Bastard._

Walking into the huge kitchen, Bella put on a huge smile as she hugged Esme, then Alice, and said,

"Okay, tell me what I can do."

Both of them started talking at once, something Bella had counted on. She knew trying to keep up with their speed-chatter would leave her brain no time to think about Edward.

"Oh Bella, I'm always so happy to see you. You get more and more beautiful each day."

As she felt Esme's tiny arms wrap her in a hug, a strange combination of longing and loyalty overcame her. She had dearly missed feeling hugs, and yet she felt almost as if she was betraying her mother by accepting another's love in her stead.

_You're being ridiculous again Bella. Let's not make a habit of this okay?_

_ Esme was like Renee's sister, and neither of them would expect you to feel guilty about the love Esme gives you. Renee would have been thrilled to know you were looking to her best friend for affection and advice. Quit being weird._

She laughed as Esme led her across the massive kitchen, already confused about what Alice and Esme were telling her. Both of them had started talking at the same time, and neither of them stopped for the other. Instead, they answered each other in the middle of their own statements, jumping in whenever they wanted, and they expected Bella to do the same. As she sat down at the long wooden farm table the Cullen's ate on, she felt a tug of sad nostalgia tightening her throat.

She had sat at this table with Alice more times than she could remember, a box of crayons strewn between them as they attempted masterpieces. Renee had colored with them, making quick cartoons of the girls that showed surprising insight and accuracy. They would laugh at the little thought bubbles Renee put above their heads, and Esme would pretend she was a snooty French art dealer, coming to buy their work. Which made them all laugh even harder.

When she'd been a little older, it had been text books and notes covering the table, as she and Alice struggled through chemistry homework. Carlisle would help them in his patient way, guiding them slowly toward the answers without ever giving it away. Renee and Esme would recall their high school days when Carlisle had helped them in the library after classes, which inevitably led to bringing up one of Renee's many suitors for a detailed discussion. Regardless of the guy, Renee and Esme would end up giggling like girls, drawing their daughters into the conversation by asking about boys they liked. Bella had found those times mortifying, since her only crush was Edward. Her answers had been purposely vague and evasive, which only caused Renee and Esme to dig harder. Bella would try her best to cover her flaming face with her hair as Renee and Esme asked pointed questions about her "mystery crush". They'd actually spent years going around and around, naming most of the boys in the area at one time or another in their efforts to unmask her crush.

Once, in a rare and mortifying moment of clarity, Renee had asked Bella point blank if it was Edward. Thankfully Esme must have noticed the terror in Bella's eyes and laughed and said she only dreamed of Edward finding a girlfriend as good as Bella. From there the conversation had steered onto Edward's love life, which was about as far away from Bella as any topic could be.

Where Bella had been reticent to the extreme, Alice had been shameless, discussing the boy who currently held her heart with relish. Esme and Renee would end up gasping for air between bursts of laughter as she told about how one kissed like a lizard and another stuffed a pair of socks down his pants to look better endowed. Carlisle would make his escape quickly then, his face bright red, and it would become a girl's-only time, full of secret sharing and laugh-induced tears.

_So many happy times at this table. So many of Renee's smiles, her laughter, even her tears. _

Feeling her own eyes prickle hotly, she tried to shake off her gloom. She needed to stop dwelling on the past, and move on with her life. She was lucky to have so many memories of her mother here. They were bittersweet but warm and all she had now. It was best to enjoy it. Tucking her sadness away into the deepest part of her heart, she threw herself into helping them finish setting up for dinner.

Esme in the kitchen was like a fish in water, but with much more style. She was always impeccably dressed; even her barn jeans were designer. She always looked like she'd come straight from a salon; perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect nails. Needless to say, she and Rose had taken to each other like...well, a fish to water. Despite her meticulous appearance Esme wasn't scared to get dirty and she adored working in the stables as much as she loved working in the kitchen.

Listening to Esme's instructions on where to place the food on the table, and trying to keep up with Alice's running narrative on a new designer she was in love with, the new stallion Carlisle had brought home which she was in love with, and a dress she'd seen in town that Bella would be in love with.

_This is home, even if it's not my home._

Feeling sufficiently buoyed by that thought, Bella joined in their laughing conversation as best she could and felt the last bit of tension leave her. She was herself once again, and no one would change that.

* * *

Edward sat in the spacious living room, perched on the arm of an old blue chair his mother had told him countless times was for sitting _in _not sitting _on. _ His mother's advice was the last thing on his mind right then, as was the continued arguing between Carlisle and Emmett. He needed a moment to get his head straight. Because after he'd opened the door to see Bella, looking wistfully out at the land, then smiling at him like the sun, he'd felt...odd. Almost like the sick feeling he felt as an elevator first jerked to a start, like his stomach had been left behind as his body rushed upward. When she'd smiled, he couldn't keep the answering smile from his face.

She'd looked so breathtakingly beautiful, and he had seen few traces of the girl she'd been in the stunning woman before him. Her fair skin had been glowing and flushed. Her dark brown eyes slightly widened in surprise, and in the almost-setting sun he could see glints of gold in them.

_Like a hidden treasure..._

Her face had been surrounded by tiny stray curls of auburn silk, and there had been tiny beads of sweat between her cleavage, just barely visible above her shirt. For a moment, the only thought in Edward's head had been tracing his tongue slowly from drop to drop, tasting the skin along her collar bone to see if it was as sweet as it looked.

Her smile had brought him back from the fantasy taking hold in his mind. She'd grinned up at him like a kid on Christmas morning, her smile damn near shooting out rays of light to rival the sun.

She was Bella Swan for Christ's sake, not some barfly he could fuck and forget. The quiet little mouse who'd played with his sister, shyly knocking on the door with her chin tucked into her chest making her hair fall across her face. The daughter of his mother's dead best friend, whom both of his parents looked at like a daughter. The same girl he'd left in Montana without second thought. Or even a first one.

_But she wasn't nearly as interesting then as she is now, _he thought, then shook his head at himself. When she'd sucked on her bloodied knuckle in the barn, he'd felt lust like a quick punch in his stomach. And seeing her tongue dart out to trace her full lower lip set off warning bells, in both heads.

Sure, she was pretty, even beautiful in the late afternoon light. She'd even been downright seductive in an innocent way, licking her lip with that little kitten tongue. But she wasn't his type. His type was fast and shiny, demanding nothing more than physical love. The women he wanted were like new toys he would quickly tire of before moving on to the next.

Bella was anything but fast and shiny. Everything about her said "stay away". Her fuck-off attitude towards him being the least of it. Edward had enough experience with women to know if one was...experienced. Bella wasn't. The way she moved away from him like a skittish colt whenever he was too close for comfort, looking anywhere but in his eyes, he could tell she wasn't comfortable around him. And since she had no reason to be skittish around him specifically, she must be that way around all men. No one who was uneasy around men had the kind of control over their emotions that Edward wanted.

She hadn't been boring or frightened in his imagination, writhing with passion and sliding her sweat-slicked skin over his...

_Stop thinking with your dick, Cullen, and go get laid before you do something stupid. She's an attractive women you haven't slept with; of course your natural reaction is to imagine her naked in your sheets._

Her place in his parent's life meant she wasn't to be played with lightly. And Edward wanted to play.

_ Again, sex is the answer. Go have some and then you won't think about undoing the buttons of her shirt to see if the skin beneath it was as smooth as the skin above it. You'll stop wondering if she wears cotton or lace under her broken-in jeans. You won't think anything of her at all, and this... uncomfortable fascination will end._

Feeling pleased with is decision, he dropped into the seat of the chair, and told Emmett he must be as blind as a bat if he couldn't tell that the ref's call was bogus. Was he also loosing his abilities in..._other _areas? He'd heard that was common in the old and infirm.

Emmett reacted predictably, telling Edward he could still take him anytime, anywhere. Shaking his head at the both of them, Carlisle stood up just as Esme called out that dinner was ready. Never one to let anything stand in the way of his next meal, especially not his mother's cooking, Emmett stopped mid-sentence and walked towards the kitchen. Edward and Carlisle shared a rueful grin and eye roll at Emmett's controlling appetites, then followed him towards the delicious smells coming from the kitchen.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, I have been emotional about this chapter, I'm not gonna lie. It went from my least favorite to my favorite. That was only possible due to some AMAZING people. **

**My beta, Lady Draco Violet, is quite simply the best. She is patient with my extravagant comma usage, even though she swears she's going to take the key from my keyboard.**

**Also, two of the greatest reviewers ever : ****rameau****, who has dedicated almost 10000 characters to the first 3 chapters, all of it useful. (I'm not worthy!) **

**And bookjunkie1975, who gets what I'm saying, and helps me say it better. Crank that sucker up to 11!**

**For the rest of you who've read this far...I have some great news. In Chapter 5, Bella and Edward have **_**actual conversation.**_** Yeah, mmmhmmm, I know. Taken me long enough, right?**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Stephenie Meyer owns any Twilight characters that may appear in this story. The remainder is my original work. **__**No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.**__** Copyright January 2010 by Word Ninja. **_

Big Sky

CHAPTER 5

"_**Eat, drink, and be merry, **_

_**For tomorrow we die."**_

_**~Isaiah 22:13**_

Esme really did make enough food for a small country. The long wooden table was covered in different dishes and plates of food. Bella would swear she had taken more serving spoons out of a drawer than any one family had a right to own. It was like walking a magazine photo shoot where everything was set up just so, looking carelessly perfect and exactly right.

Esme oversaw everything like a soft-spoken drillmaster, her gentle voice giving commands to put the chicken on the other side of the fresh-cut flowers and shift the napkins to the left. The constant resetting of places kept Bella's mind too busy to feel nervous about being near Edward.

"Now Bella, I want you to make sure to take some of those potatoes home with you. And some of this gravy too, I know Harry loves it..."

Esme's voice wandered off as she searched for a container. Bella couldn't help smiling at her; she was just so...motherly. Not in a way that made Bella uncomfortable or embarrassed, but loved and cared for. Esme and Renee had been best friends for longer than Bella had been alive, and Esme shared the grief Bella felt from losing Renee. It made Bella feel connected to her, and to Renee.

A suddenly fierce need to show Esme how important she was made Bella put down the dish she was moving and put her hands on Esme's shoulders.

As she turned the small woman towards her, Bella said,"We haven't even had dinner yet Esme, and you're already kicking me out with leftovers?"

Bella wrapped her arms around Esme in a tight hug, cutting Esme's denials short. She felt a little silly, not only for her inane comment, but for trying to convey how deep her love for Esme was with just a hug. She held on tightly nonetheless.

The voice of reason in her head told her in a prim voice that it was time to let go _now_, thank you very much.

_Bella, you know what will happen if you start getting emotional and talking about how much she means to you. You'll start blubbering like a baby and embarrass yourself and everyone else. You'll feel that sickening pain in your stomach, which will probably escalate quickly into a full-fledged breakdown. And your face will get splotchy, which is not an attractive look on you._

Bella knew it was sound advice to herself, aside from her vanity not wanting Edward to see her with a splotchy face. Since her parents had died her emotions had been an open wound that wouldn't heal. It didn't take a whole lot to set them off, so Bella just tried to keep them on a plateau. Nothing too extreme one way or the other and she could stay on level ground and keep herself together.

A different voice spoke up in her head then, sounding a little wild and on edge.

_ You never know when things could change_. _You could lose all of this in a moment._

_ Don't take anything for granted Bella. Not one second of one day._

Another thing Bella had noticed in the past few months was this new, authoritative voice. It was the voice that had whispered to her as she lay in her parents' bed that she could do it, she could run a ranch on her own. It was the complete opposite of the voice of reason she'd heard in her head her whole life, which made Bella a little wary of following any advice it gave her. She figured it was probably some fatalistic part of her that was reacting to losing her parents by convincing her to do things she normally wouldn't have thought herself capable of.

_It hasn't led me astray yet,_ she thought, and decided to take pay attention.

Bella Swan was going to reach out and take what she could, because life was painfully brief.

She put a little extra squeeze into her hug, holding on to Esme a few moments longer than she felt strictly comfortable

It wasn't much, but it was a step.

"What was that for dear?" Esme asked, her perfect eyebrows arched up in surprise. Bella had never been an overly affectionate child, always so self-possessed and solitary somehow.

"For everything Esme," Bella said, then released the petite woman quickly before her eyes starting leaking. They were on a hair trigger these days.

"Oh Bella." Esme didn't say anything else, but Bella saw the understanding in her eyes.

And she silently blessed the woman for leaving it alone after that.

"So Bella, remember how I told you that you'd be shopping with me and Rose this Saturday?", Alice chirped from behind them, arranging the wild white daisies and scarlet globemallow into an old crackle-glazed clay vase.

"No actually I don't. Could that be because you never actually told me? Or even asked me for that matter..." One of Bella's eyebrows arched up as she turned toward her friend.

Alice rolled her bright blue eyes dramatically at Bella. With a tone of exaggerated patience she said,

"Of _course_ I told you. We're going to get dresses for the party, which is in three weeks, which we will look fabulous for. "

Alice added sternly as she continued to play with the flowers,

"And don't think you're getting out of going shopping. Or the party for that matter. It's the biggest thing that happens out here in the middle of nowhere, and as my best friend you will not rob me of the right to make you look like the gorgeous girl you are for one day out of the year."

Sighing quietly, Bella mentally rearranged her schedule to accommodate a Saturday shopping spree with the girls.

_If I get up an hour earlier and stay an hour later every day this week, I should be able to cut it._

While part of her rebelled at the idea of working more hours, especially to spend time shopping for a dress she would likely wear once for just a few hours, another part of her was pretty excited. The Cullen's annual summer garden party _was _the biggest thing that happened socially around here. While that didn't give it a whole lot to live up to, Bella knew from experience it wasn't something to be missed.

"Hey Alice, remember the year Carlisle decided to rent an elephant for the kids to ride?"

Bella and Alice grinned at each other with shared nostalgia.

Esme's face took on a comically tragic cast.

"Oh no, not Arabian Nights, please!" she said, and buried her face in her hands with a groan.

Each year the garden party had a different theme. This year it was A Midsummer's Night Dream. When Bella was eight, the theme had been Arabian Nights, complete with women in bright saris with gauzy veils over their faces and men in turbans carrying curved plastic sabers from their children's toy chests. Carlisle had decided that renting a small elephant for the children to ride would top everything they'd ever done for the party, making it the best one ever.

"And Emmett decided to play jungle explorer and light a "torch" while he was riding it?" Alice snickered, her wicked grin showing how much she enjoyed seeing her brothers on the hot seat instead of her.

Emmett had loved playing jungle explorer when he was ten, and having a real live elephant in his backyard presented the most perfect opportunity to play that had ever existed. Emmett knew from TV that all jungle explorers carried big sticks that they wrapped with cloths and burned for light in the dark and dangerous trees. He'd been unable to find an appropriate stick in the yard, but the sparklers left over from the Fourth of July would work well enough.

"When he lit that sparkler I thought for sure he was dead. I mean, that elephant stood right up on its hind legs!"

Despite the traces of residual panic in Esme's voice at the memory of seeing her firstborn suddenly thrown off the back of an elephant, albeit a small one, Bella couldn't hold back the laughter that bubbled up with the memory. She was nearly shrieking with it as she tried to talk.

"And when Emmett stood up, and said, '_What stinks?"_, do you remember?! Oh my god, he had it..."

Alice took over when Bella became completely incapacitated with laughter.

"He had landed right in a huge pile of elephant poop! Served him right for being such an idiot! Seriously, how is someone as refined and ladylike as myself ever end with that oaf for a brother? At least Edward isn't a complete idiot, because I've given up hope for Emmett."

Refined and ladylike were not words Bella would have used to describe Alice. _Scrappy _was a good one, and so was _tough as nails._

The mention of Edward calmed her enough to take a few deep breaths, hoping for the sake of her stomach muscles that she was done laughing for a little while.

Alice continued speaking loftily, perching on the edge of a chair with her legs crossed primly at the ankle.

"And he got elephant poo on my dress. I simply cannot forgive that."

Bella and Esme looked at each other with serious expressions for almost five seconds before the giggles started up again. With one hand going to her mouth, and the other to her aching side, Bella watched Esme do the same, mirroring her actions exactly. When their eyes met, they took in their identical poses and that set them off again. They laughed even harder, Bella's cheeks flushed crimson and Esmes' damp with tears.

When Bella could breathe again without gasping like a fish out of water, she looked at Alice, who'd been staring haughtily at her and Esme through their uncontrollable giggle storm.

"Alice, you have the most unhealthy obsession with clothes. And you were six. Were you really that concerned about a dress when you were six?"

"Bella, it was a purple corduroy Laura Ashley jumper with pink kitten buttons," Alice huffed, as if that explained everything. Meeting Bella's eyes, she seemed to realize how ridiculous that sounded and started laughing with them.

Picking up the last few bowls to put on the table, the three of them were still laughing as Emmett came barreling into the kitchen asking if it was time to eat yet.

"Food? Is the food done yet? I'm starving, wasting away into nothing guys, no lie. I'm so hungry I could eat an entire elephant, I swear."

To their credit, the girls really did try not to laugh. But when Esme caught Bella's eyes they went off on another storm of snorts and hiccups, trying to hold them in. Emmett stared at them warily for a minute before he said,

"Wait a minute, you guys weren't telling the Arabian Nights story again were you?"

Bella and Esme had wound down into little fits and starts of laughter, until Alice rolled her eyes at Emmett, then there was no holding back.

She couldn't remember the last time she had actually laughed out loud, much less caught a furious case of the giggles with other girls. The only females she saw on a regular basis all had four legs. She let herself enjoy it, being a part of a family, even if it wasn't really hers to claim.

_This is what you've been missing_, Bella thought.

Realizing she had actually missed it, she heard the new strong voice again, telling her to take what she could, when she could. For a night she would laugh and be a part of the Cullen's happy little world, with no problems or fears.

Tomorrow would come soon enough.

* * *

Dinner was a loud, rambunctious affair, silverware clattering, everyone talking at once, reaching for whatever was in reach whenever the opportunity presented itself. Alice had talked incessantly about party plans, so when she finally took a huge mouthful of food, Bella took advantage of her momentary silence to appreciate the scene before her.

Esme and Carlisle were leaning towards each other, talking quietly and smiling, looking for all the world like high school kids who'd just fallen in love. Carlisle leaned into Esme's hair, whispered something in her ear, and had her smiling at him from under her lashes. They were flirting like newlyweds, and Bella thought it was so sweet. Charlie and Renee had been that way too; constant touches and gentle smiles conveying their love for each other.

It amazed her to see such truth in love. To still be deeply in love after years had come and gone, your children had grown, you'd lost your youth. And yet here was proof in front of her, cheerfully defying every divorce statistic ever made.

Emmett, who always found time for sarcastic and usually racy comments, noticed them too. Between one massive bite and the next, he grinned mischievously, dimpling both his cheeks and making his bright blue eyes sparkle. It made him look like a little boy, which somehow made his suggestive words even more shocking. Thankfully he tried to contain his more smutty thoughts around his parents; his next statement was the most vanilla Bella had heard from his since middle school.

"Geez, are you guys going to do it on the table?"

Snickering at his own humor, he choked suddenly and glared across the table at Edward, who appeared to be deep in conversation with Jasper. Bella couldn't see Jasper's face, but her view of Edward's was unobstructed. He was relaxed, and appeared completely enthralled with whatever Jasper was saying to him, but there was something in his eyes and the way the corners of his mouth kept twitching...Bella knew he was up to something.

"Why'd you kick me, bro?" All the humor had left Emmett's tone; now he sounded as serious as a heart attack.

Edward looked at Emmett with an air of surprise and responded calmly,

"Why Emmett! I would never kick you, lest you be forced to end your witty quips of which all of us are so fond."

His tone was walking a paper thin line between sharp sarcasm and complete sincerity. Bella watched as Edward gave Emmett a wide-eyed guileless look. Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Alice all had different expressions on their faces, but they all knew what was coming. So did Bella.

Emmett riled up by Edward meant one thing; physical violence against each other, until they were too exhausted to breathe because neither of them would ever give in.

Jasper grinned and hid it casually behind his napkin. Alice looked on eagerly, not bothering to cover her huge smile, Carlisle and Esme with dismayed resignation. Emmett took a second to work his mind around what Edward had said, debating whether it was worth putting down his fork to show his little brother who was boss.

The chair sliding back across the floor announced his decision.

"Oh Emmett, sit down! Can't you just sit at the dinner table like a civilized person instead of the bear you are? Can't you pretend, just this once?"

Alice's tone was pleading, but a slightly mischievous smile played at the corner of her lips.

Emmett ignored her, intent on dragging Edward out into the yard for a quick lesson in respect as related to size. Bella was grinning like an idiot, but she couldn't help herself. It was just like they were kids again. She knew Edward was very fast and agile, but Emmett was literally massive. The thought of Edward maybe getting a little bruised didn't bug her too much either; think of it as karmic retribution for laughing at her in the barn.

Just as Bella saw Edward tense in preparation of the attack, Emmett's entire face lit up like a beacon. He grinned, making the dimples reappear in his cheeks, and his face went from tough warrior to dopey puppy dog.

Bella followed his beaming eyes and saw Rose step into the kitchen, all shiny blonde hair and sun-flushed skin. She'd obviously come straight from the barn, taking time only to change out of her muddy barn boots and into a pair of sneakers. Bella was forced to bite back a sigh. Even filthy and tired, in old denim and flannel, Rosalie looked like a supermodel for a high priced Western spread in a magazine. Her long flaxen hair was pulled back from her classically beautiful face, and her burnished, flawless skin was glowing. There was a tiny gray streak of dirt down her left cheek. Somehow it just made her look more beautiful.

Bella watched as Emmett walked over to her and wrapped his huge arms around her in a bear hug then bent her over dramatically to kiss her noisily. The excessive show of affection was completely normal behavior for Emmett, so everyone went back to talking at once. Alice and Esme had been arguing over the newest line by a French designer, and asked Rose's opinion on the matter. Jasper and Carlisle were debating which team would win the game. Then they would cross over into each other's conversations, Jasper laughing at Alice's pronunciation of the designers' name, Esme giving her opinion on the teams playing, all of them keeping up with the different threads. It was something only a large family could do, and as an only child, Bella was content just to sit back and watch the general picture. She was once again reminded of her childhood, and the way she'd always faded quickly into the background.

Thinking she wasn't drawing any attention, she glanced back at Emmett and Rose; they were still standing, facing each other. Emmett's extravagant display of adoration was over and he held Rose's elegant hand lightly in his huge, calloused one. He lifted her hand and placed it on his wide chest, then reached up with the other and stroked one incredibly gentle finger down the line of dirt on her cheek.

It was such an intensely tender moment; Bella suddenly felt like she was intruding into their privacy. Quickly she looked back at the table and the people sitting there. She glanced around to each of them, seeing their occupied expressions, then realized the she hadn't been the only voyeur. Edward was still looking at the couple, his forehead furrowed and his full lips pressed together as he followed them with his eyes.

As Emmett lead Rosalie to her chair, Bella wondered what emotion she had witnessed on his face.

_Scorn? Irritation? _

Why would Edward look at his brother like that? Wouldn't he be happy that Emmett and Rose had found each other? Edward finally tore his eyes from them, then glanced around at everyone as Bella had done.

Suddenly his eyes met hers, and for a moment she was caught in his intense gaze. His eyes were like a piece of sea glass, hard and opaque. Bella felt a quick thrill run through her as he focused completely on her. Then they both looked quickly away, Bella with flaming cheeks and he with definite irritation. There was no question about it that time. Edward's heavy eyebrows drew in together, and the corners of his mouth turned down slightly.

_He's irritated you were staring at him like a dope. Subtle as always Swan. You are such a smooth operator._

Bella gave her complete concentration the plate in front of her, letting the conversation flow around her as she struggled to regain composure. She could feel her cheeks still burning.

For a moment before she'd looked away, Bella thought she'd seen something else in his piercing eyes. They had been almost sad, wistful...wanting; it made him look surprisingly vulnerable. Bella felt something inside her wake from a deep sleep and stretch inside her chest.

_Oh, Edward..._

Forcefully she pushed down the nurturing instinct that wanted to comfort him. To just wrap her arms around him and tell him is would be alright, everything would be okay.

_Longing. What you saw was longing, as vast and deep as the sky above the mountains. You should know that one intimately, you see in your own eyes every day in the mirror._

But from Edward? She would never have imagined that expression on his chiseled features, and felt that surely it wasn't a frequent pairing. What could Edward long for? What was there that would fill him with such yearning?

His life was perfect. He was employed for as long as he wished at a place that would never have to worry about going under. He would never understand what she lived through on a day to day basis. His parents adored him, and each other, and his siblings were some of his closest friends. He'd never know what it was like to feel lonely in your own home, knowing there was no one there to care about your feelings and opinions. No one to listen to your dreams and hopes and the silly, random thoughts that filled the day. He had no worries in the world, and the perfect family there for him; there was nothing lacking as far as Bella could see.

And yet he had looked at Emmett's finger tip sliding down Rose's perfect cheek with eyes that were almost hungry.

_Oh? And what about you Bella? How would you classify what it made _you _feel? Hungry for the touch of someone who worships you? Did you perhaps allow a moment of fantasy to creep in and let you see Edward in front of you, touching you that way? Looking at you as if every point in the universe begins and ends in your eyes?_

The proper and highly irritating voice in her head piped up then and Bella couldn't shut it up in time.

_Not that Edward would ever look at you like that. _

She was coming to despise that quiet voice.

Bella spent the rest of the meal avoiding even glancing in Edward's general direction, afraid he would be glaring at her. Making a concentrated effort, she joined in the conversations as much as she could, though she was hopelessly lost most of the time. She listened to Alice babble about dresses and party decorations almost without pause, and thanked God she didn't have to speak more than a word a minute to confirm she was listening still. Thankfully Rose knew at least as much about dresses as Alice, so she took over most of the conversation by stating her opinions and preferences, leaving Bella mostly alone with her thoughts.

Which was exactly what she'd been trying to avoid. Because despite her best efforts to get back to the relaxed state she'd been in earlier, she couldn't stop seeing Edward's face in her mind. Something inside her felt off-balanced by that; she couldn't keep her footing and her thoughts were a tangled mess. But at the center of the tangle, a single word wound around and around, repeating itself endlessly until she couldn't ignore it.

_...Edward..._

_* * *_

Dinner passed slowly for Edward, almost painfully so. He pushed his food around his plate, shifted his water glass occasionally, and threw a word into the conversation every few minutes. But he couldn't force himself to eat more than a few bites, and that was only for Esme's sake. He knew she would hound him relentlessly, trying to find out why he hadn't eaten. When it got to the stage where she simply looked at him silently with her big brown eyes unreadable, he would cave. Because he could not stand up to that stare from his mother for more than one second, and she knew it. In fact, she shamelessly used it to pry information from him like a pearl from an oyster, whenever she felt like he wasn't sharing something.

She'd used it all through high school, completely humiliating him even as he told her truths he felt no boy should share with his mother. Those eyes had forced so many secrets from his mouth; his first drink, his first cigarette... his first time having sex. He'd been trying ever since to wipe that entire day from his memory. So far it hadn't worked. When Esme went diving, she found pearls.

This was definitely _not _going to be added to her pearl collection. There was no way he'd tell her what was going on inside his head.

_There's nothing going on inside your head...at least not the one on your shoulders. And the one below your belt will just have to wait a little longer. Chill the fuck out, Cullen. You're making a big deal out of nothing._

His silent pep talk didn't help. He just felt like a bigger ass.

When dinner began, Edward had been resolutely forgetting Bella, talking to Jasper about the new horses. He'd actually succeeded in getting her out of his head for a moment while listening to Jasper talk about how amazing the Palomino was. Then Emmett had gotten ready to tackle him for kicking him under the table, and every nerve and muscle had immediately become wary readiness.

He could still best Emmett, but only if he was fast. Really fast.

When Emmett's face had changed, Edward knew before he saw her that Rosalie was there. It was disgusting the way a grown man, stronger than a redwood and tougher than nails, would just completely soften up like a marshmallow when a girl walked in the room.

_Not just a girl. _

His _girl._

Emmett's one and only girl, for better or worse.

And that was the problem that seeded the pearl.

Edward had always enjoyed his sex fast, hard, and mostly anonymous.

Because there couldn't possibly be anything more satisfying than fucking like bunnies jacked up on adrenaline.

..._nothing else to make you completely forget the world and all the horror in it for a few short moments..._

Even in his own mind Edward wasn't ready to face those demons. Or even admit they existed. Instead he screwed himself into oblivion, spending himself into a black void of unawareness.

He would take whatever respite he could get. The fact that sex was probably the most fun form of avoidance ever didn't hurt too much either.

Although lately, he'd had to work harder and harder to make it fun...

_You don't mean that man. You're just saying that because you haven't fucked like a bunny since you came home. It's screwing with your brain chemicals or something._

When he'd seen Emmett's gentle touch on Rose's face, and the way their eyes were...glowing...into each other, something wrenched deep in his gut. It was unfamiliar and way too painful to be enjoyed.

Because he wanted it for himself.

Which was crazy, and fucked up neurons were the only acceptable reason for that.

For a moment he allowed his imagination to run down the path he tried to ignore most days. The path made by those fucked up neurons that weren't getting enough bunny sex.

He would walk into the room, automatically looking for her. And there she'd be, _his _girl, looking at him with eyes full of emotion; deep brown eyes seeing him, and only him...

_Brown? Why does she have brown eyes? I like blue eyes, not brown._

Edward had nearly cursed out loud as he mentally covered the rest of his mental image.

Soft auburn hair and a full unpainted mouth...the slight frame and gentle curves, looking somehow delicate and capable at once...

And those damn brown eyes, wide and guileless, just begging a man to drown in them...

_What the fuck Cullen?!_

Bella was his fantasy girl; or the girl in his fantasy at least.

Edward's surrounding came rushing back, and his senses were shocked with overload. Everything was brighter, the colors stronger and deeper somehow like the room had been recolored in oil paints. He could smell each dish on the table at once and yet separately, and the sounds of clinking silver and glasses was almost overwhelmingly loud. The hairs on his arm were standing straight up, and from the tingle in his scalp the hair on his head was trying to do the same thing.

The moment was surreal in its clarity, and gone as quickly as it came. As the sounds and colors faded out into normal levels, he realized Emmett was pushing Rose's chair in for her, and looked up...

...right into the same brown eyes he'd just been cursing in his head.

Bella was looking right at him, holding her bottom lip between her teeth.

The hair on his arms was still standing straight up.

_Damn it. _

Irritated she'd been watching him, and flat out pissed at how his body reacted to her biting her lip, he looked quickly away from her with a scowl.

_ The last time things turned Technicolor you were on acid in college. So unless Esme has started seasoning with psychedelics, you need to get more sleep. And sex._

Determined to get over this ridiculous...whatever...Edward tried to ignore Bella's end of the table. But as the meal continued, he couldn't help but look at her. She never seemed to look in his direction, because she never caught him staring.

He was incredibly curious suddenly to take in every detail about her, so he could quickly file her into the correct slot in his mind and move on.

He noticed the way she held her fork, and slid small bites into her mouth, savoring each of them separately. The way she brushed her silky looking hair off her shoulders, then swung it right back again to obscure part of her face. How her smile lit up her whole face. The way her cheeks were slightly flushed, warm pink beneath the freckles spread over her nose.

Nothing he saw made any sense.

Everything about her made perfect sense.

Edward exhaled deeply and looked down at his plate.

_What the fuck is going on Cullen?_

"Edward dear, you wouldn't mind helping Bella carry some left-overs home would you?"

Esme's voice broke through his reverie, and he realized everyone was finished and standing to clear the plates.

"Why can't Alice do it?"

Edward immediately hated that he sounded like a petulant child, but really... why couldn't Alice help her? Weren't they best girlfriends or something? They could tell secrets and giggle and do whatever else girls did together.

"I have to study Edward, you know that. So why don't you act like the gentleman Mom raised you to be, instead of acting like a brat…"

Staring daggers at Alice for calling him a brat, because it was exactly what he felt like, Edward promised himself he'd get her back later. He glanced over at Esme, thinking maybe there was another way he could gracefully remove himself from the situation.

Her eyes were steel in her cherubic face, a look any child recognized in their mother.

_Do what I tell you now, or regret it later._

Edward sighed then stood up and walked to the kitchen, saying over his shoulder,

"Whenever you're ready Bella."

"I'm ready now."

Her soft voice made his stomach clench. Taking a deep breath of air past his suddenly scorched dry throat Edward turned and walked back, gathering up the containers of food Esme had filled for Bella.

As he walked to the front door, he heard Bella's voice again, thanking Esme and Carlisle, promising Alice a girl's night soon.

She sounded like melting chocolate, warm and liquid and silky.

He wanted to hear his name pour from her mouth in that sweet voice.

While she was naked.

In his bed.

_Cullen get a grip. Whatever the reason you can't keep your shit together around her, you need to remember the situation. _

The situation being how completely wrong it was for him to even think about sleeping with her.

_Which is exactly what you've been doing_.

Bella wasn't to be played with; he knew that, it didn't take a genius to see. She was one of those still-waters-run-deep girls, they kind he avoided like plague. Inevitably they wanted more than he was willing to give.

_Or more than you're able to give..._

Bella was a close family friend, Alice's _best_ friend, and she'd been through a tragedy not that long ago. All reasons to avoid the mess that would surely follow him breaking up with her.

_And I don't really want to hurt her. She looks like spun glass and moonbeams under that toughness. She's been through enough pain __without__ you adding more for the sake of your dick._

He could be a gentleman when it was called for, despite what his little sister may have thought.

Thinking of Alice's comment, he held the door open as Bella walked toward him. Her eyes were downcast, giving Edward the perfect opportunity to smirk at Alice.

_How's this for gentlemanly you tricky little brat?_

Alice's eye roll conveyed how deeply unaffected she was at his attempt at gallantry. He would have believed it if she hadn't grinned at him at the end there. She'd always been one to appreciate a good comeback, even if it was her opponent's.

In the next second Alice and the rest of the world ceased to exist.

Bella's hair blew out behind her as she stepped into the evening, brushing across Edward's lips and cheeks before she stepped further out of reach. Inhaling reflexively, his head swam suddenly. He had to stop himself from stepping closer to wrap her hair around his fist and bringing it to his face to smell again.

_Strawberries..._

Biting back a groan at the innocent yet somehow desperately erotic scent, Edward mentally steeled himself. Taking a perfectly level and controlled voice, he prepared to be nice.

* * *

When Bella heard Edward's voice next to her, she felt a moment of panic thinking that he was going to tell her to quit being a freak and staring at him all the time.

"So, uh, how's the weather been?" Edward asked.

Bella almost laughed out loud, and limited her answer for fear of letting her hysterical giggles escape.

"Warm."

_Edward is making small talk? Seriously? Anyone who has to make small talk with their lifetime neighbor is really trying hard._

_ But at least he isn't calling you out on what happened at dinner._

Prim and proper spoke up, irritating as she seemed to be of late.

_ Stop being so self-centered. Do you think everything revolves around you? Do you think Edward even remembers that? _

That was true, she was probably blowing things way out of proportion.

But that didn't change the fact that most of the time she still couldn't speak coherently around him. She should have been able to talk lightly to him about Alice, or Emmett. The horses he and Carlisle brought back looked stunning, and she was dying to know more about them.

Part of Bella wanted to talk to him about real things.

_Well, here's your chance, and guess what you're _not _going to do?_

Then she was pissed at herself and at him, for putting her in this pathetic state.

_Just say something Bella, anything that's not about the weather._

_ His face looks like a marble sculpture in the moonlight, and my tongue feels like a cement block._

The new voice, forceful and jarringly strong, spoke out indignantly.

_ Remember what you said? Don't take things for granted! You are being walked home on a perfect summer night by the most gorgeous man you've ever seen, and the stars are just starting to come out. If this isn't a moment to be enjoyed I don't know what is._

The cautious side of her wasn't sure about that.

_But that's cheating Bella. You're making this romantic, when it's really just family duty. Esme made him do it, not some sense of chivalry._

Bella walked along in silence beside Edward, noticing that they were walking at the exact same pace. A little, tiny part of her was ecstatic watching their feet hit the ground in front of them at the same time.

_ So what if it's just in my head? A momentary lapse into fantasy isn't going to hurt anyone. _

_ Carpe fucking diem already._

"So, what was Arizona like?"

Until she said it out loud, Bella was unaware of how curious she'd become over his time there. He seemed different from when he'd left, less easy-going and more...intense.

_Still watching __every __detail of Edward are we? Get over it already Bella. You're an adult, he's an adult, and you should have grown out of this crush long since._

Glancing up at his face, already knowing her heart would start racing when she did, she was taken aback by what she saw there.

He looked like an animal, every line of his face etched with fury. His jaws were clamped together tightly, and Bella watched the muscles there clench and release, clench and release.

Bella looked away hurriedly, feeling the blood rush across her chest and face.

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to be nosy."

A few moments passed in awkward silence until Edward said,

"It was hot and dry mostly. We were out in the middle of nowhere, and the sky seemed almost as big as it does here."

Bella looked at him out of the corner of her eye and relaxed a little. Edward's posture had lost some of its tension, though he was still staring straight ahead. She decided to chance another comment.

"There's no way that's possible. The sky is bigger here than anywhere on earth, I have it on good authority."

"Oh really? Whose authority is that?"

Bella smiled, remembering.

"Carlisle's. I asked him once if the sky was like ours everywhere in the world. He told me that nowhere else on earth had sky like ours. It was bigger, bluer, and prettier over our patch of land than anywhere else anyone had ever been to. And when I asked him why that was, he told me it was because what we grew here was magic and deserved nothing but the most beautiful surroundings, so nature saw that we had it."

Carlisle had looked at her and winked as he'd said the last part, making a very young Bella feel like she was something magic that grew there, deserving the most beautiful wide sky in the world because she was beautiful too.

Edward was grinning now, his face relaxed and open.

"Yeah, that sounds like something Carlisle would tell a little girl. He used to get so mad when Emmett or I would come home from school upset because some kid told us Santa Claus wasn't real, and that the money under our pillows wasn't from an actual tooth fairy. He wanted the magic of childhood to go on for as long as it could I guess."

Edward fell quickly silent then and Bella was content to stay that way for the moment. She was thinking about a tiny Edward, one who believed in the tooth fairy and flying reindeer.

It was probably the most purely cute mental image she'd ever seen in her life.

She couldn't stop herself from smiling a little as they passed under the cottonwood, into shadows that were now as black as pitch.

When she stepped from the other side into the faint moonlight again, she felt Edward's eyes on her face. The familiar war inside her started up; one part being sucked into the tractor beam his eyes made, the other part petrified at what her own eyes would give away if she did.

_What have you got to lose? Obviously not your dignity, since you continue to allow your hormones free reign when he's around._

Looking up at Edward, she let her eyes meet his, praying she looked calmer than she felt.

He continued looking at her, his intense eyes almost hidden in shadow, and Bella felt everything around her slow down, then race ahead in a sickening burst of speed.

Edward looked away, and Bella started breathing again, unaware she'd stopped in the first place.

"I never thought the sky in Arizona was as big as ours. Sometimes I would climb onto the roof of our bunkhouse. I'd lay there in the dark and look up at it, trying to convince myself it was as endless and immense as the sky at home. But there's nowhere in the world with sky like this."

As Edward went silent again, Bella imagined Edward lying on his back under the stars. It seemed incongruous to the Edward she knew.

_The Edward you know? Please. _

_ You know he cuts all his pancakes up before he takes the first bite, and that he drinks his coffee black. You know that the crescent scar on his left elbow is from falling out of the cottonwood tree when he was ten. But you don't know what makes him tick, what he dreams about, what he wants from life._

_ You don't know Edward at all._

Bella was surprised at her thoughts. She'd always thought she'd known Edward fairly well, at least on a fundamental level. He was smart, arrogant, likeable when he wanted to be and downright rude when he didn't.

_Apparently he's also someone who climbs on the roof to look at the stars. Someone wh__o's__ felt homesickness for a home that's deeply loved._

_ Maybe Edward grew up too._

Reaching the steps to her porch, Bella thought Edward would turn to walk back to his house. Instead he followed her up the stairs, right to her front door.

For a moment Bella let herself get lost in one of her favorite high school era fantasies. Edward Cullen walking her to the door, kissing her chastely goodnight. Though, as she'd gotten older the sweet kiss had turned into something a little more explicit.

Bella felt herself flush in embarrassment and reached quickly for the door handle just as Edward placed his hand on it.

A jolt of electricity skittered up her arm, making her heart pound fast and hard. Feeling no control over her body, Bella felt her eyes drawn up to Edward's startlingly sharp ones.

In the relative shadow of her porch, all the color had been leeched away, leaving his blue-green eyes a silvery shade. Their expression was unreadable, but Bella could feel the intensity in them all the way to the soles of her feet.

Unable to look away, Bella felt fear rushing hotly through her veins.

_This is how a mouse feels just before the hawk strikes._

Her eyes widened and she felt her lips part to accommodate her suddenly rapid breathing. Nervously she flicked her tongue out over her bottom lip, and saw Edward's eyes go from cold steel to something fiery and wild.

_He's going to kiss me._

If Bella's feet hadn't been cement blocks holding her still she would have bolted into her house like a rabbit. She didn't think she'd ever been so scared in her life, and the combination of fear and adrenaline was making her feel sick to her stomach.

She was also worried her heart was going to explode out of her chest it was beating so fast.

Watching Edward's lips part in slow motion, Bella tried to decide if she was going to let him kiss her, and if she would actually be able to stop him.

_You will join an army of skanks who've let Edward kiss them. You are stronger than this._

_ You've been dreaming about this since you learned about boys kissing girls. Are you going to let the fact that he's turned into a manwhore keep you from enjoying a simple kiss?_

"Goodnight Bella."

Snapping her mouth closed with a snap, Bella took a deep breath and blinked a few times in rapid succession.

Edward was turning, walking down the steps, back to his house.

Edward hadn't kissed her.

She was an idiot.

_Of course he didn't kiss you. You think because he tells you one tiny little detail about him, not even something important, that you've had some sort of _moment?_ You really are pathetic Swan._

Opening the door, Bella stepped inside and resisted the urge to slam the door as hard as she could. She was an idiot, and realizing she was being so completely ridiculous pissed her off even more.

Stomping up the stairs to the bathroom, Bella fumed at herself silently. She berated herself repeatedly as she filled up the tub with steaming hot water.

Her prim and proper conscience berated her as well.

_Let's learn from this, shall we my darling dear imbecile?_

_ Okay. What?_

_ Well, now we know you aren't actually a functional adult as you can't even keep a thought in your brain around some man who couldn't care less to notice you._

_ That's a little harsh isn't it?_

_ Yes dear, but truth often is._

Bella realized she had brought drama into her sacred bathtub, and quickly focused all her out-of-control emotions into blaming Edward. He had ruined the rule she'd made for her safe haven, one she'd never had a problem keeping.

_That's it. Edward Cullen is now worthy of nothing more than the attention you give a neighbor, or a friend of a friend. Pretend he's a walking, talking, cardboard cutout if you have to. _

_ He will not have any control over your emotions, your thoughts, or your traitorous body._

_ (Hear that body? We have to be a team on this one, so stop doing the drippy faucet routine every time he smirks.)_

Sliding down into the steamy water, Bella closed her eyes, and let everything in her mind fray away into nothing. All the stress, the wired feeling, the jumpy nerves...turned into swirls of steam rising above the water.

Feeling better after her bath and for deciding a course of action where Edward was concerned, she slid into her bed feeling in charge of something for once.

Scooting down into the blankets, one last coherent thought flitted across Bella's mind before sleep pulled her under.

_Carpe fucking diem._

_ * * *_

**A/N: For everyone who waited patiently for me to post this chappie, you're amazing. I'd planned on posting this a lot sooner, but things happened. A truly ridiculous number of funeral's didn't really help my outlook.**

**However, I'm not a dweller, so let's move on!**

***As always thanks my beta Lady Draco Violet. She is awesome, period. Any mistakes are mine not hers.**

***Also, thanks to rameau, who has stolen my heart. She gets what I'm attempting to do and helps me scrape off all the layers of bullshit to get down to it. **

***And bookjunkie1975, for sending me fluff when I needed it and rec'ing some amazing fics to me. You make me happy :)**

***Lastly (for now, and b/c this is becoming a rather epic A/N), thank you so much for AngstGoddess003 for retweeting my question. Without that, I wouldn't have received the most amazing feedback evah! Also for the Kittens on Kittens video. Tears! And my hubs thinks I've lost it b/c I can't even _think _the line, "I'm her mother." "Nooo, she's not!" w/o cracking up.**

**As always, please review. Because I like it when you're rough ;)**

**(Oh, and just in case...Carpe Diem is Latin for "Seize the Day".)**

_**Updates next week!**_


	6. Chapter 6 Part 1

_**Stephenie Meyer owns anything Twilight in this story. The remainder is my original work. ****No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.**** Copyright January 2010 by Word Ninja.**_

CHAPTER 6

_Part I_

"_**In every walk with nature one receives far more than he seeks."**_

_**~John Muir **_

Edward rolled out of bed with a scowl on his face. The fading moonlight was giving way to the first blush of dawn and only the brightest stars were still visible.

Usually the sight of daybreak over his family's land filled him with a sense of calm contentment.

Not today.

_Not the past three days actually. Even I'm getting sick of me being in a shitty mood. If I could just get some fucking sleep instead of dreaming..._

Another voice, the completely male one usually reserved for sexytime thoughts whispered lasciviously into his mind.

_But those dreams are so fucking hot man. You don't really want them to stop, do you?_

Edward sat on the edge of his bed to pull his boots on, trying to get his brain to wake all the way up. Thoughts like that were trouble, and during the day he avoided them like the plague, generally by abusing his body with hard physical labor until he was too exhausted to think coherently. But at night, once sleep took over, he was powerless to stop them.

Dreams of Bella's face lighting up in a smile, the setting sun behind her making her hair a gold-tinged halo around her head.

_And outlining her body through a white dress, showing every single curve...each one just begging to be touched, cupped in his palm, slowly licked...heating and flushing as her brown eyes go black with passion, the lids getting heavy, dropping over them...her perfect lips parting on a sigh...his name..._

_ Edward._

"Edward! If you're not up yet I'm breaking down the door and elbow dropping you. On three..."

Emmett's voice cut into the daydream like a bucket of cold water. Edward's scowl returned until a wickedly devious idea occurred to him, making him grin widely. Walking on silent feet to the door, he placed one hand around the antique doorknob, his long fingers gently resting them there.

"...one...I mean it Edward, I'll charge right through the door..."

Emmett's voice was moving farther from the door, and Edward knew Emmett was backing up a few steps to get his momentum up before running headlong into the door. Seeing the hallway in his mind, he judged the number of steps it would take a running Emmett to reach it.

"...two...Oh man, you are making my day! I shoulda had Rose film this one..."

Edward braced himself with his back to the wall behind the door, and tightened his fingers on the brass knob. The timing would have to be perfect for it to work...

"Three! Oh yeah, here I come little brother!"

Emmett's laughter just made Edward smile bigger. Silently counting to five in his head, he took a deep breath then pulled the door open just as Emmett came barreling though.

The momentum of his massive frame carried him all the way across the room, and Edward heard his muttered oath just before he crashed into the far wall.

"Thought you learned your lesson last time, _brother_," Edward laughed.

Emmett stood across the room from him, rubbing his shoulder and grimacing.

"At least I didn't break anything this time, you sneaky asshole."

The last time Emmett had tried that trick they were still in high school, and he'd broken the lamp on Edward's nightstand.

Esme had been less than pleased.

"Thanks Em."

Emmett grinned good-naturedly as he replied.

"For what?"

"You just made my day."

"Glad to be of service. Now let's get the hell downstairs before Dad comes and gets us both."

Edward was smiling as he followed Emmett from the room.

He'd almost forgotten about Bella, and the dreams.

Almost.

* * *

Four hours later, Edward had completely put Bella out of his mind. He'd put the entire world out of his mind actually, each thought only going as far as the next massive bale of hay.

_Turn, stab, lift, toss._

_ Repeat._

Stabbing his pitchfork into the next bale, he blinked sweat out of his eyes for the trillionth time in ten minutes. The sun was out full force, turning the air around him into a furnace, making each inhalation a harsh lick of flame from his throat to his lungs.

He'd been transferring hay from the bed of Carlisle's truck into the barn for most of his day. The work was monotonous, and usually he would use the time to plan his dream-ranch in detail.

But since the dinner with Bella, when she'd apparently planted some sort of thought consuming parasite in his brain, he'd pushed himself as hard as he could, turning the job into a race and leaving no space for thoughts in his over-taxed body and mind.

"Yo, E! You trying to make me look bad? Or did you finally get tired of looking like a beanpole next to me?"

Emmett was working next to Edward, at a slower pace but still quickly. His muscles bunched and flexed like a body builder's, and his face was covered with a sheen of sweat, but his voice was steady and level. For someone who found any excuse to work out, baling hay was light lifting for Emmett.

Edward couldn't draw in enough breath to reply, so he just grinned and stepped his pace up even faster, grunting now with each motion.

As he'd hoped, Emmett saw it as a challenge and started to move faster.

As competitive as Emmett was, it didn't take much to turn pretty much any physical action into a contest.

It was also the fastest way to shut him up.

As they reached the last few bales, both of them were breathing in deep gasps, and sweat poured off them. They pitched the bales on their forks at the same time, then turned to the single remaining bale with only the barest pause to glance at each other.

Stepping forward like he was reaching for it, Edward stopped and leaned against his pitchfork while he watched Emmett attack the hay like a mortal enemy. As Emmett swung around to toss it to the ground, he noticed Edward's casual stance.

"What...the...fuck..."

Emmett's breathing was so labored Edward could hardly make out words from the wheezing.

"What? You've clearly got this under control, no need for me to kill myself trying to help."

Edward watched as Emmett's face showed every change of emotion, from puzzlement to understanding to anger. Mentally preparing himself for Emmett's next move, Edward grinned at him, knowing his best chance was to get him pissed enough to charge without thinking.

Emmett's answering grin threw him off.

"You're right bro. Let me take care of that for you."

Emmett continued to grin as he spun the heavy bale of hay in a circle. Puzzled, Edward stayed motionless a moment too long.

His eyes widened as the hay bale, with all of Emmett's momentum behind it, caught him on his left side and knocked him from the bed of the truck.

Hitting the ground flat on his back, Edward felt every particle of air leaving his lungs. For a moment, the punishing heat of the day felt cool, and a shadow covered his vision, making everything blessedly dark.

Then he realized his eyes were closing, because he was on the verge of unconsciousness.

_There is no way in hell you're going to let Emmett get away with a KO. You will never live this down for the rest of your life. It will be worse than him finding out you told Mom about losing your virginity in the back seat of the truck with Mary Ann Riley._

The residual embarrassment from that experience, even though it was almost ten years ago, was enough to keep Edward's eyes from closing completely. Fighting against the drifting sensation that tempted him with a promises of a reprieve from the heat, he focused on the dirt beneath him. The feeling of baked earth, the warmth rising up through it and into his skin, the tiny pebbles digging into his back and legs; he concentrated on each of them until he felt his head clear.

Drawing in a painful breath that pinpointed where every bruise would be later, Edward spoke.

"Fuck. You."

Emmett's laughter boomed out of him, making Edward squint up at him through the sunlight.

"Thanks Edward."

"For what?"

"You just made my day."

Edward groaned as his own words from that morning were thrown back at him, and lifted himself slowly from the ground.

"I'm going around back to rinse off. Since you won the race, you get a prize."

Warily Emmett said, "What prize?"

"You get to take the truck back to Carlisle. He's out at fence 87."

"That's a forty five minute drive! I'll have to eat my lunch while I'm driving. I hate doing that shit, and you know it."

Taking in Emmett's glare, Edward turned away and started towards the water pump behind the barn.

"Price you pay for playing with the master. And I'll owe you now."

"Damn right you'll owe me!" Emmett yelled from behind him.

"Not for driving the truck. For the hay bale."

Turning the corner of the barn, Edward smirked as he heard Emmett cursing, then laughing again as he got into the truck.

_Smug bastard. Although that was pretty good, with the hay bale. I'll have to remember that one next time._

Rolling his sore shoulders as he reached the pump, Edward pulled his sweat-soaked tee shirt off and threw in on the ground next to him.

The water was freezing as it hit his head and ran in streams down his face and neck. Pumped from a well that ran out of the mountains, the water was ice cold all year.

Groaning out loud in pleasure, Edward rolled his sore shoulders then stood to turn off the water. He looked at his shirt on the ground, debating whether or not he should use it to dry off, then decided it was plenty hot enough to air dry in minutes.

Besides, the cold water drops rolling down his chest felt amazingly cool and refreshing. He hated to lose what little break he got from the sun.

Turning, he put his hat back on and scooped up his shirt, tucking it into the waistband of his jeans behind his back as he walked back towards the house for a dry one.

Wondering if he could convince Esme to make ice cream, he turned at the corner of the barn and ran into something. He had the impression of something small and dark before his arms instinctively wrapped around it to keep from falling.

Steadying his feet, he leaned back without loosening his hold, and looked down.

Directly into a wide-open pair of brown eyes.

_Bella..._

_* * *_

Staring up at Edward's face, Bella realized her mouth was open and snapped it shut with a click, looking down in embarrassment.

Then she realized that just about everything from her neck down was wrapped up in Edward Cullen.

_And he's not wearing a shirt. JesusgodhelpBREATHE. _

Every inch of Bella's skin was instantly hyper-aware. His arms were like iron bands around her shoulders. Their height difference placed the top of her head squarely beneath his chin and gave her an unobstructed view of his wide shoulders. She could see the ropey muscles beneath his tanned skin, and noticed fleetingly that there was a single tiny freckle on the left one, just above his collar bone. His stomach pressed against her chest, rock hard and taut beneath her racing heart. And lower, lower still, she could feel the cool metal of his belt buckle and a radiating heat on her belly where her shirt had hiked up to reveal her skin. The combination of coolness and heat on her bare skin was a surprisingly erotic feeling, and her brain took a moment to catch up with her body.

When it finally did, and she realized exactly what that warmth below his belt was, her pulse took off and something that felt like a liquid lightening bolt shot out from deep in her belly to her nipples. She could feel them tightening beneath her thin cotton tank top, and part of her desire-hazed mind desperately hoped Edward wouldn't notice.

_Not likely as he's pressed completely up against them._

Edward seemed to realize suddenly that he was still holding her to him in a death grip and quickly unwrapped his arms. The sudden freedom from his embrace and the way his naked torso was making her head spin caused her stumble back.

When Edward reached out to steady her she shook her head quickly, almost without thinking. She knew if he touched her again she was likely to jump him right there in the yard.

_And maybe lick those water drops off his chest one by one..._

Raising her eyes warily to his, she tried to breathe calmly. She had no idea what she looked like on the outside, but inside she was frantically trying to put out the fires lighting suddenly all over her body.

Taking a last deep breath, Bella hoped her voice wouldn't betray her.

"Edward."

It came out low pitched and breathy, more like a moan than a greeting, not at all like she'd wanted it to sound.

_Jesus-please-us, calm down Bella. You're not fifteen, and he's just a man with no shirt on. You see plenty of shirtless men every day around the ranch, and most of them are in great shape. Just act like a normal human being and apologize for running into him so you can leave._

"Sorry I, uh, ran into you. Obviously I'm pretty, um, clumsy."

_ So articulate. Now you sound like a complete idiot. _

_ At least it can't get much worse._

Immediately she remembered the last time she'd thought those words, right before she fell on her face in the dirt while Edward laughed.

"No, it was my fault. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking."

Edward's voice was calm and steady, giving nothing away, and his eyes were like tranquil blue-green seas.

Bella didn't know what to say next, so she searched her mind for anything at all to talk about, something to move her past this horribly awkward moment, and voiced the first thing she came to.

"You're not wearing a shirt."

_Oh. Dear. God. SHUT UP Bella! It's worse, much worse. Only you could accomplish that with such a blindingly obvious statement. And now he knows you were thinking about the fact that he is shirtless._

A hopeful voice in her mind squeaked, _Maybe he didn't notice?_

Judging by the cocky grin spreading across Edward's face, she wasn't going to be that lucky.

"I took it off when I rinsed off in the pump. Emmett.... I was hot, figured I'd cool off real quick."

Bella _hmm_'ed, afraid to say any actual words, though she doubted there was much left for her to embarrass herself with.

"I'm on my way up to the house to do some strong arming, want to tag along?"

Looking up at him indignantly Bella said, "Tag along? What am I, a kid?"

Edward's eyes slid slowly across her face to meet hers, then slowly down her body and back up again. Her simple shirt and worn jeans seemed suddenly very thin, nearly nonexistent under his blatant look. Immediately her hormones kicked into overdrive and she knew she was blushing violently by the time his eyes met hers again.

"No Isabella, you're definitely all grown up."

Edward was grinning insolently, and Bella did her fish out of water routine as she spluttered a sound meant to be a response. It sounded more like she was choking. As she stammered and wondered if her face was going to melt off under the heat of her embarrassment, Edward continued.

"So, what's it going to be? You want to help coerce innocents or not?"

Bella gave up on getting anything even remotely resembling a cutting retort to his grown up comment and settled on speaking simple, one word sentences.

_Less chance of flailing and drowning, right?_

_ "_Coerce?"

"Yeah. As in, intimidate, compel."

_Edward need my help compelling some one? _

The thought was almost laughable.

_ He has alien tractor beams for eyes that suck people with no trouble. What does he need my help for? _

"Who is the innocent in need of coercion?"

"Esme. I need her to make strawberry ice cream."

Esme's strawberry ice cream was the stuff of legends. It was so perfectly sweet and smooth, and somehow it always seemed colder than any other ice cream. Bella always begged for it on her birthday, and Esme always obliged with two gallons in pretty plastic tubs. Eating all of it during the first two weeks after her birthday was like the present that just kept giving, and had become a ritual Bella delighted in.

"Okay, I'm in. What's the plan."

Edward gave her a conspiratorial grin.

"We beg."

Laughing, Bella grinned back at him, unable to resist Edward's good humor.

"Begging. I have to warn you, I suck at begging. But for Esme's ice cream..."

She trailed off with a shrug, and met Edward's eyes. They shared a look of perfect understanding; for Esme's ice cream, anything was worth it.

As they walked towards the big house, Bella fell a half step behind Edward, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

_Congratulations. __You've succeeded in holding a coherent conversation with him, albeit a short one. Good job Swan._

Actually, once she got over being dumbstruck by his sheer physical presence, Edward was pretty easy to be around. Bella was surprised at how comfortable she felt with him, at least when her mind wasn't dragging her into a bad porn starring herself and a certain cowboy with sun-streaked copper hair.

Watching Edward's naked back in front of her, Bella let herself appreciate that physical presence Shirtless Edward from the back was almost as sexy as shirtless Edward from the front. His wide shoulders and well-muscled back tapered down into narrow hips that carried low slung blue jeans, faded and worn in to perfection.

Just above the waistband, at the extreme lowest point of his back, there was a thin line of pale skin. The rest of him was sun browned from working shirtless in the heat, but that one strip was lighter, and she realized the sun didn't touch him there too frequently.

_I have no idea why that is so sexy_, Bella thought as the liquid lightening bolts started up again, shooting out at double time. She felt her mouth actually salivate as she stared at his back.

_This is getting ridiculous. Your mouth is watering over some back skin? _

_It is _very_ nice back skin though. The whole thing is rather nice, in an I-want-to-bite-you-repeatedly kind of way._

_ Mind out of the gutter Swan, head out of the clouds. Or jeans._

_ Out of the jeans. Get out of your jeans. Hmmmm... Yes please. Edward, get out of your jeans._

She'd come over here to borrow Carlisle's spare trailer, not ogle his youngest son...

_Shit, the trailer!_

"So, what were you doing wandering around outside our barn Miss Swan?"

Bella's eyes shot guiltily up just as Edward glanced back to ask his question.

_What, is he a mind reader now?_

Momentary anxiety dried out her mouth at the thought of him knowing her prior thoughts, as her brain had apparently decided the gutter was a fine place to play, at least where Edward was involved.

Clearing her throat, Bella stopped walking and said, "I actually came over to borrow Carlisle's trailer. I should go get that and head back..."

Edward startled her by grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the house with him. His long fingers easily covered hers, and she could feel the rough calluses on his palm against hers, and the silky smoothness of the back of his hand under her fingertips. The combination of rough and smooth, the way his hand held hers confidently as he pulled her forward, gave Bella a quick thrill.

Edward was so confident, completely sure of himself and unafraid to push things to where he wanted them to. For a moment Bella felt like letting go, letting someone else take the lead. The realization was terrifying. Licking her lips, she forced her thoughts back into the here and now just as Edward looked down at her, laughter in his eyes.

"After Esme and ice cream. She won't be able to say no to you. And once she says yes, I'll help you drag the trailer over to your place. Fair trade."

Bella didn't trust her voice not to shake so she didn't reply. Following him up the steps, she concentrated on getting one foot in front of the other and trying to ignore the images her mind insisted on showing her.

_His hands sliding up her sides, their roughness repeated in his urgent touch... his long fingers caressing her hips, gripping tightly as he pulled her into him... then sliding down, down, over and under then in, to find her hot and ready... Oh God, so ready..._

_ And the X-rated fantasies have got to stop! You're becoming quite the little pervert Miss Swan._

The prissy voice was back, with her sternest expression on.

_It's not her fault! It's his. If he wasn't so delectable, she wouldn't be forced to think about licking homemade ice cream off his perfect abs._

The rebellious voice had a point. A ridiculous one, but one Bella could get behind nonetheless.

_And the licking ice cream off him part... I think I could get behind that one too._

Prissy made a face and replied that she'd do best not to forget he was a manwhore, to which Rebel had no reply.

He _was_ a manwhore. Just because she felt lust around him didn't mean she had to do anything about it; at least, not with him. It just meant that her body was reacting to his, a completely normal thing to happen between two attractive people of the opposite sex.

_Or one attractive person and another sinfully gorgeous one._

It was easier to blame Edward and simple chemistry for what she felt. And if left her free to enjoy her daydreams without guilt.

The steady tinkle of piano notes filling the house pulled Bella from her thoughts. Inside the house, the heat suddenly gave way to air-conditioned coldness, and Bella felt her skin cool and pebble immediately. Except where Edward's palm touched hers. There was plenty of heat there.

_Why is he still holding my..._

He let go of her hand before she could finish the thought, and Bella felt a quick tug of loss before ignoring it completely. Holding hands was a physical contact you missed only when it was the epitome of a romance. Like in elementary school.

"Esme! Bella's here, and she says that she'll die from heat stroke in right in our hallway if you don't get out here and make her some ice cream!"

Edward's shout stilled the piano music and before Bella could punch Edward in the shoulder Esme was walking towards them. She looked like she'd stepped from a _Better Homes and Gardens _magazine, completely calm and relaxed and beautiful. Her face lit up with a smile when she saw Bella standing next to Edward.

"Well, we can't have that now can we? And this is a foyer Edward, not a hallway."

As Esme wrapped her arms around Bella in a quick hug, Edward said,

"Well, either way, we don't want her to clutter it up, so maybe we should make her some ice cream?"

Edward's face was a a fascinating study of worry and persuasion, managing to look somehow pathetic and adorable at once. It reminded Bella of commercials for animal shelters where the dogs all have big liquid eyes that are so sad yet promise boundless happiness if you just give them some time and attention.

As puppy dog faces went, Edward's was a top-contender for most effective. And it was pretty damn hot as well. If he ever used it on her, she'd be toast before he could blink.

Esme, by some miracle of motherhood, was unswayed by it.

"Where are your manners Edward? Bella couldn't possibly clutter up a space if she tried, she's much to beautiful. And if Bella wants some ice cream, why I'm certain I can make her a little treat."

Smiling beatifically at Bella, Esme took her arm and led her towards the kitchen. Once again, Bella felt herself being led, this time by a gentle hand, though it showed as much steel as Edward's.

"She definitely said she wanted strawberry, just so you know. Oh, and she said she'll probably need enough for a few bowls full at least."

Complete sincerity shone out of Edward's face as he followed them through the swinging doors into the kitchen.

"Bella, I'm sorry that you've been made a part of this. Edward is our biggest failure as parents, Carlisle and I have admitted it. The doctors have never found anything wrong with him, but we're certain there must be because he cannot seem to hold a single well-mannered thought in his head. He also has no problem involving innocent bystanders in his schemes for mass quantities of strawberry ice cream. I'm afraid he's a bit of a deviant."

Moving around the kitchen to gather ingredients and utensils, Esme's back was facing them, which Bella was extremely grateful for.

_Innocent bystanders who cannot stop thinking about tracing swirls of strawberry ice cream off your naked son with their tongue... who's the deviant here?_

Shaking her head mentally, Bella smiled and said, "Esme, your ice cream would make the dead rise up for a scoop. I promise I was a willing accomplice."

Edward glanced quickly over at her when she said willing, his expression unreadable as usual, then looked away.

_Maybe he doesn't think me being pulled qualifies as willing._

"And Edward has promised to help me take the trailer back for help with coercing. Or begging, if it came to that."

Edward gave Bella a lopsided smile, then told Esme, "See? I do have manners. I offered to help her, a favor for a favor."

"Yes, well, perhaps there's hope for you yet." She kept her tone firm but her tiny smile gave her away as she stirred ingredients into a large mixing bowl.

Watching the two of them beam at each other, Bella felt the familiar sadness creeping in and shoved it back. There was no need to ruin a perfectly good day with a stupid crying jag in Esme's kitchen just because she and her son adored each other. But she missed the simple word plays she'd share with her father, where each of them said 'I love you' without using those three words. The chasm of her grief could be ignored for a while, then suddenly it was a yawning black hole and she was balanced on the edge.

They stood for a moment, Edward and Esme sharing their love, and Bella trying to just enjoy the happiness of the moment without all the bad feelings mixed in, until Edward looked at her again.

She tried a quick, easy smile, like they'd shared on their walk, but it didn't feel right on her face and when she met Edward's eyes she knew it hadn't worked. He held her gaze a second longer, then looked back at Esme.

"We'll be back when we're done moving the trailer. Don't let Emmett within a mile of that ice cream. And if he finds it, tell him this morning was nothing compared to what he'll get if he takes so much as one bite."

Shaking her head Esme continued mixing and stirring, used to the strange and often physically threatening messages her sons asked her to pass along between them. Love expressed itself in many ways.

Walking up to Bella, Edward took her hand in his again and began pulling her back towards the door.

_This seems to be becoming a habit. _

Smiling a thanks at Esme and throwing a goodbye over her shoulder, Bella followed Edward out of the kitchen towards the front door. He grabbed a tee shirt from a pile of fresh laundry in the hallway as they passed, throwing it carelessly over his shoulder. Her hand was tingling pleasantly in his as he led her out into the stifling afternoon air.

* * *

With Edward's help it only took ten minutes to lift the front end of the trailer up and wheel it over to her yard.

They worked in silence, and Bella didn't notice they hadn't spoken until they'd reached her side of the fence. Her mind had been focused on her inability to allow happiness to happen. It was like a sick disease; any time something happy or joyous or loving went on around her, tears and pain were right behind it. It wasn't that she didn't want to be happy, or enjoy other people's moments of cheer, they all just led back to the loss she couldn't cope with. Every bright moment was shadowed with her grief, and it was really starting to get irritating.

_Can't I just carpe fucking diem? C'mon Swan, let go of the black balloons and have some revelry. _

Edward had left her to her thoughts, seeming content enough with his own. Surprisingly, the silence hadn't been awkward to her at all. They'd worked together lifting and turning, in sync without talking, as if they'd done it a thousand times before. And she was starting to realize how easy Edward made it for her to sink into her thoughts. He didn't seem to need constant interaction the way some people did. He just was, and let her be. It was a nice, if unexpected bonus to watching his shoulder muscles shifting under his taut skin from the corner of her eye as they worked.

_Until he put his shirt on. Probably a good thing for your heart rate, but it was nice while it lasted._

"Thanks for helping. It usually takes me at least twice as long to do it on my own."

"Thanks for persuading. That ice cream is going to be amazing."

"At least it didn't get to the begging part. I really am terribly at it. Charlie used to say I had too much pride to make it sound believable."

Edward was looking at her again, looking right into her eyes like he could read words on her retinas. Bella's heart picked up the pace again, because there was something so penetrating about his look. She felt exposed and smothered all at once.

When he just continued to stare at her, Bella started getting uncomfortable. He was so intense, his tractor beam eyes on hers as if they were trying to pull something out of her mind. Pure stubbornness made her hold eye contact for another moment before she looked away, unable to maintain her stare.

_If you don't start breathing again you're going to pass out, and then he'll really be staring at you._

Her sense of humor shook her out of the intensity of the moment, making her feel a little more stable. Not stable enough to look at him again just yet, but somehow she didn't think it would matter if she was planted in concrete; Edward Cullen's ocean eyes would still pull just as strong.

When he spoke again, Bella was startled into looking at him again. His eyes seemed completely serious, but he had to be joking on some level.

"A walk? You want to go for a walk?" Bella's voice was slightly incredulous.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Yes Isabella, a walk. Haven't you ever done that?"

"Daily," Bella said, sarcasm taking over in her moment of loss. It was an old habit, one she was occasionally grateful for since it gave her time to think.

_Think about the way he says your name, Isabella, like it's a title instead of a name._

"Ha ha. You know what I'm talking about. When's the last time you went on a walk for pleasure, not business."

"Um... probably when we were in high school still?"

Edward took in Bella's answer and shoulder shrug with a look of amazement tinged with disbelief.

"High school? Jesus Bella, you're living in the midst of this beautiful landscape, under the magic Montana sky, and you never just go out and appreciate it with a walk?"

Shaking his head at her Edward came and stood next to her, so close their shoulders were almost touching. Bella swore she could feel the hair on her arms standing up and brushing against his skin.

_Focus._

"What are you now, the male version of an earth mother? Are you going to tell me that patchouli will solve all my problems?"

Edward snorted, and Bella felt a little tremor in her stomach for making him laugh.

"No. I just like to get away from everything sometimes, and a walk to somewhere else is the best way to accomplish that."

Cocking her head to the side, Bella risked a glance at Edward's face. He was looking out at the fields in front of them, the paddocks and pastures spreading wide and far over the flats and hills. He seemed very far away suddenly, and Bella reached out for his hand instinctively before she realized what she was doing.

Feeling her hand in his, Edward looked down at her, and for a brief second he was still far away, his eyes moon oceans for all their closeness. Then he was there, the boyish charm and quick, crooked smiles bringing him back to the world.

"All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking. Nietzsche knew what was up with a walk."

_Did he really just quote Nietzsche? When did I step into an alternate reality?_

"Guess I can't argue with that."

"So let's go. Where shall we walk on this lovely afternoon. Since we're shirking work, it should be a good one. No aimless wandering for us; we need a destination. So?"

He was so ebullient and cheerful it seemed impossible that only moments ago he'd been somewhere else a million miles away. There was no way Bella could resist him in that mood; it was contagious and his smiling eyes pulled smiles from her without warning.

"Well Mr. Nature, since you're the expert, you pick."

After a slight pause Edward said, "Violet Hill."

Bella couldn't help rolling her eyes.

"So let's go."

As they walked towards the fence with the sun at their backs, Bella thought about Violet Hill. It wasn't really a hill at all, more of a gentle slope before a deep valley. But both the slope and the circular valley were covered in wild violets. They were like a huge purple carpet over the land, dotted here and there with white and yellow daisies.

_The robe of one of the mountain kings, _she thought. Usually the whimsical stories of her childhood were full of warm nostalgia. Not today though, not when she was walking with Edward Cullen to Violet Hill.

It was beautiful, and had been a starring role in Bella's desperately romantic teenaged daydreams; daydreams centered around Edward Cullen, soft kisses, and whispered words of undying devotion. She would lay out in the flowers and imagine his mouth on hers until her heart was pounding and she could hardly catch her breath.

_And now Edward wants to walk there with you in all your sexually frustrated glory, while he spouts quotes from German philosophers and looks like, well, like Edward Cullen. Gorgeous cowboy manwhore extraordinaire. _

_ Damn it, this is not even slightly funny._

* * *

**A/N**:** I hate chapters in parts, but it was the only way this would work. All together it was just way too much. **

**This chapter will forever be known to me as Hale Bale. Pretty much my greatest typo ever, and both my awesome beta's caught it. We shared a giggle, and I'm almost sad I couldn't leave it. Doesn't it just sound...fun? I'd like to make a Hale Bale. More on that below.**

**Thanks to rameau, for being tough. She makes me work for it, and her praise is so much sweeter for that.**

**Thanks to bookjunkie1975, for coming on board! She is positive, and awesome, and her feedback ****gives me little heartwings.**

**If you're not familiar with the #readalong on Twitter, get with the program! **

**I've been introduced to some amazing fics there, most recently Get Me To You by chicklette. It owns me. Completely. And I'll admit to a fangirl moment when she followed me. Until I read this, I cared nothing for any Twi-male not named Edward. She has converted me to TeamJas, and I want her Jas from GMTY to be on me. Now.**

**Thanks for your reviews, they really help me see things from an outside perspective (which is my most favorite perspective of all!).**


	7. Chapter 6 Part 2

_**If you don't get that I don't own Twilight, you're too stupid to appreciate this story so stop reading. I wouldn't want to own Twilight, because then I'd have to deal with Summit, and let's just not even get into that.**_

**A/N: Uber long note at the bottom, but I've kept you waiting long enough, so get to it! ;)**

CHAPTER 6

_Part 2_

"_**It is not talking but walking that will bring us to heaven."**_

_**~Matthew Henry**_

Taking Bella along with him to convince Esme to make strawberry ice cream was an inspired idea. Edward was pretty proud of himself for thinking of it.

_For thinking at all actually._

Being wrapped around sweet little Isabella Swan had emptied his brain of all thought like an ocean emptying before a tidal wave. And like the tidal wave that returns fuller and more deadly, his brain filled to the brim and overflowed with thoughts of Bella. Touching her, kissing her, breathing her... he wanted to lap her up like a pool of cream.

When he'd felt her nipples harden against his chest it had had a strangely calming effect. While everything in him had still screamed sex, the basics of female response were something he understood and was used to. And the way she was blushing over it, like it wasn't something she was at all used to, made his male ego purr in satisfaction.

As they walked to Violet Hill now, he thought about what he'd seen in her eyes after that, in the kitchen. She'd been watching him and Esme and when he'd glanced at her there had been such pain in her eyes.

_Not just pain but anger. So much anger she was nearly vibrating with it. How does she make it through the day in one piece with all that anger boiling around in there?_

When she'd attempted a smile to cover it up, she'd hidden everything but the anger. The heat in her eyes had been sharp and keen, a spark he recognized from his own reflection sometimes.

_She probably doesn't even realize she is angry_, he'd thought, then wondered how long it would be until she realized it. He knew what it was to feel angry at death, and how sometimes it would hide deep inside only to ambush you at the worst moments. He knew just as well that sometimes hiding it was the only way to deal with it.

He'd also noticed how easy it had been to fall into the old routine with Esme, the playful banter that he'd missed so much but had been unable to fully recapture since he'd been home. It was like having Bella there somehow made it okay to let down that wall. Which made no sense when he'd tried to think about it, so he'd quit trying and just enjoyed feeling close to the only woman he'd ever given his heart to. Esme had felt it too he was certain, because she hadn't smiled at him like that since he'd come back.

When they'd left the house he'd grabbed a shirt, for both of them. He could feel the weight of Bella's eyes on his bare skin. It was incredibly erotic, and didn't help him remember any of his good intentions to keep her at arm's length.

Edward gave her a sidelong glance as they walked, taking in her frustrated expression.

"What's the matter kid, you don't enjoy walking? Or is it the company."

He smiled a little to show he was joking, but she didn't return it.

"Please don't call me kid. It makes me feel like a baby goat."

Edward laughed at her pained tone as she continued.

"Besides, we're the same age. So if I'm a kid, so are you."

"But I'm older than you in experience, therefore I'm not a kid."

Bella's snort spoke volumes about his 'experience', and what she thought of it.

"And how do you know that I'm not just as experienced as you Edward Cullen?"

Unable to resist, he gave her another long once over, from her feet to her face, lingering on her red cheeks.

_She is so fucking cute when she blushes. _

"It's pretty obvious Bella."

Her jaw dropped open and he couldn't resist teasing her a little more.

"Your blushes give it away. You might as well wear a sign that says 'innocent' on it."

Expecting her to blush harder, Edward was completely unprepared for what happened next.

Bella stopped in her tracks and turned to look him fully in the face. Her expression was wild for a second, something behind her eyes slightly frantic.

Then she laughed, loud and uninhibited. The sound was startling, open; a sound unlike anything he'd ever equated with Bella. It was lovely and free, and at that moment made absolutely no sense.

_What the hell? _

Edward frowned at her as she laughed, tears now streaming down her flushed face. He waited as she wound down, taking quick breaths that giggled on the exhale. Watching her wipe the dampness from her smiling cheeks, he was struck by her beauty all over again.

"That was... interesting. Care to share, Miss Swan?" Edward was smiling, but there was an edge to his voice. He wasn't a man used to having women laugh at him, unless he wanted them to.

"Oh Edward. How little you know about me." Bella's eyes were sparkling mischievously, and there was an archness in her tone that made him mentally sit up and pay attention.

_Well, at least one part of me is paying attention. _

Shaking his head as Bella turned and started walking again, Edward jogged a few steps to catch up.

"And you obviously know everything there is to know about me, hmm?"

Bella glanced over at him then looked ahead again before she spoke.

"You haven't exactly been discreet Edward."

There was almost zero inflection in her voice, leaving Edward unsure of how to take her statement.

_And what the hell did she mean about me knowing so little about her? Even if the town gossip is completely wrong about her she can't be that experienced._

_ Can she? _

The thought of Bella being less than innocent made his jaw clench inexplicably before he answered.

"Perhaps not, but I don't see any reason to be. Why should I pretend to be someone other than who I am?"

Quietly, almost to herself, Bella responded, "Discretion is the better part of valor."

Snorting a laugh Edward said, "Valorous I'm definitely not."

They'd come to the bottom of the hill, and Edward could see the purple haze over the hill in front of them. He'd always thought is was beautiful, with the rolling green land and rich purple flowers waving slowly under the open sky.

_A place for poetry and peaceful thoughts. A place for..._

Unsure of where his next thought was going, he was almost relieved when Bella spoke.

"I wouldn't say that."

Her eyes met his for a moment, and they seemed full of space and time, somehow much farther away than the small distance between their bodies. Then she looked down and turned to walk up the gentle slope.

_Where does she go when she looks like that? _

The answer to that question seemed very important to him suddenly, so he purposely ignored it and asked her another question instead.

"What do you mean?"

For a moment he didn't think she'd heard him or wasn't going to answer. She just kept walking towards the top of the hill, looking straight ahead with the strangest look on her face.

_Why would she look worried? Or maybe she's embarrassed? _

She was so hard to read unless she was laughing or blushing, something else Edward wasn't used to. He'd always been able to see easily past the surface, to the truth under the words or expression. But Bella's reactions were never what he expected, and most of them made no sense at all. Like being worried when he asked a simple question.

He was going to repeat himself, determined to learn some small clue about the mystery that was Bella, when she cleared her throat and answered. Her voice started out so quiet he took a few longer steps to walk directly beside her, tilting his head down towards her to hear.

"I just meant, well... You always seemed to do things... to, um, help people and stuff."

He was close enough to her that their arms brushed as they walked, and even as he watched her cheeks redden, he felt the heat coming off of her body.

_She's not just embarrassed, she's mortified. Because the fact that I help people is something highly embarrassing to talk about? _

More confused and curious than ever, Edward fought his immediate urge to question her and thought about it in silence. Something told him if he started prying, she would close up tighter than a clam, and there was something comfortable about talking with Bella like this that he didn't want to change. They were still walking close and the smell of her hair, like sun-warmed strawberries, drifted around him in easy harmony with the gentle smell of thousands upon thousands of tiny violets.

At the top of the hill Edward stopped, wanting to take in the sight of the valley before them. He heard Bella's quiet breathing beside him, and the muted drone of bees floating over the flowers in the distance. Their was nothing here but peace and beauty and Edward tried to soak it all in. There had been no peaceful places in him for a long time, and the feeling was alien and almost overwhelming.

He felt a small, soft hand slide into his own, and knew without understanding how he knew, that Bella was in the same moment he was. She felt the calm in the air around them, and understood it's worth. Standing there with her, the sun beating down and the sky huge and vivid above them, he felt something in him settle.

_I've finally come home. _

_ * * *_

Praying that Edward wouldn't ask her to elaborate on her barely coherent statement about his kindness to others, Bella willed her body to cool off. The heat of the day lay on her like a blanket but the heat of her embarrassment was radiating out from her inside her body as if she had swallowed her own sun.

_If he asks me to explain I'll give away the fact that I watched him like a hawk for...oh, I don't know...his entire life. Then he'll realize I'm a creepy stalker who remains obsessed from a distance and I'm sure that'll go over great._

She hadn't even meant to argue when he'd said he wasn't valorous because it had sounded so ridiculous once she'd said it out loud, _(who even uses the word 'valorous Bella, _she'd thought with a mental snort), but it seemed to unfair not to. Despite his apparent inability to keep his pants zipped he was one of the most generous people she knew, second only to his parents. He'd often helped Charlie during the summer, although that had just been the way of things then. Charlie and Carlisle would help each other, with Emmett and Edward both doing their fair share of the work, leaving Esme and Renee in the kitchen with a bottle of wine and a stack of recipes. Alice would dream up grand adventures to keep them occupied while they waited for dinner, or extravagant make-overs in later years.

_We were like one big family then. _

And quickly smothering the joy of that thought was another, quickly behind it.

_How far away that time is now. Carlisle and Esme still treat me like a daughter, and Emmett will always see me as his little sister I think, but what about Alice? When's the last time you actually talked to her? Actually told her something from a deeper place than clothes and town gossip? _

Thinking about it as they reached the top of the hill, Bella gazed out over the sea of violets and felt an almost crushing weight on her chest.

_Every bit of distance between me and them is your own fault. They still give as much as you'll let them, which is precious little. And Alice? You call her best friend then ignore her attempts to be exactly that. You are some kind of selfish Bella Swan._

Though it hurt to admit it, she knew it was true. But knowing and changing were two different things, and letting anyone, even Alice into one of the cracks on her heart was likely to break the whole thing to bits.

_And whether it's selfish or not, I just can't handle that kind of pain just yet. Not so soon after the rest of it. Maybe once I'm at peace with that, I'll be able to move on or reach out._

It was too hard to even think about, so Bella let her mind clear. She realized suddenly how still the day was around them. They were too far from the road to hear any passing trucks, and the fat bees were a barely noticed hum. Something calming moved through her blood, and she felt everything but that single moment of peace slip away. The past that hurt because she couldn't control it, the future she did control that hurt because she was making it that way; all of it slid out between one breath and the next, leaving only that stillness.

_Peace._

Unaware she'd reached out, she felt Edward's warm palm around hers as she wrapped her fingers around his.

The strange current just under her skin she'd begun to expect from his touch wasn't there, just a quiet feeling of rightness. Only the feeling of her hand in his, and the first sense of peace she'd known in a long time.

* * *

They walked down into the valley in silence, their hands still lightly linked. Bella wanted to speak, to break the quiet that was beginning to feel awkward to her, but she didn't have any idea of what to say. Everything seemed so inconsequential after their shared moment on the hill.

Mentally crossing her fingers, she opened her mouth and hoped something halfway intelligent would come out. Before she made a sound, Edward spoke.

"So you think I help people?"

Bella closed her mouth again with a snap, nearly catching the tip of her tongue between her teeth.

_Which would have saved me from having to answer that. I can't even bite my tongue at the right time._

Ruefully letting that thought sink in, she wondered how she was going to answer Edward.

_Why yes Edward, I do think you help people. I watched you our entire childhood and you were always generous with your time._

No, that sounded like something Grandma Swan would say.

_Since I spent most of my life being a creepy stalker and watching your every breath..._

Cue the stalker anthem I'll Be Watching You by the always classic Sting. Not the best track to take unless she wanted a restraining order.

_Yes Edward, you can be very helpful. You've helped countless women reach orgasmic heights previously thought to be unattainable by mere mortals._

That one nearly made her laugh out loud. And the last thing Edward's ego needed was another boost.

_Besides, just because "Whorin'" Lauren Mallory said it was the best she'd ever had doesn't mean much. Her track record is less than savory._

Settling on the simplest answer because it also seemed the less likely to get her in trouble, she said, "Yes."

Edward looked at her, his heavy eyebrows raised over his wide eyes.

"Yes? That's it? You thought about it for three minutes, and you answer with one word?"

_Oh he's set that one up perfectly._

"Yes."

His eyes got even wider, and he stopped to face her, pulling his hand from hers. Bella felt a quick flutter in her stomach as he took a step toward her, bringing him close enough that Bella could smell the horses and hay and sweat on him.

Bracing herself to run if necessary, Bella reminded herself to breath as he leaned in, bending his knees so that they were eye level with each other.

_Blue or green? Green or blue? Beautiful or gorgeous? Gorgeous or beautiful?_

Bella's mind stuttered as he stared into her eyes, holding her as surely as if she had iron chains around her ankles.

"I will get some answers out of you Isabella Swan, even if it means I have to resort tophysical violence."

How was she supposed to think, much less answer, when his eyes were doing that stupid tractor beam thing? The thought of Edward doing anything physical to her, even violence, was absurdly appealing.

_Manwhore manwhore manwhore._

The prissy voice was a little breathy at first, but grew stronger as she chanted her mantra.

_Are you such a weak little girl that you're going to let a man, and a manwhore at that, have this effect on you? Straighten up Swan!_

The rebellious voice had a point. She wasn't Whorin' Lauren, to faint and coo at Edward's eyes and threats.

"Good luck with that one Cullen. I take after my dad, and you know how hard it was to get Charlie to talk."

Breaking eye contact, Bella felt her heart steady a little bit, but she took a few steps away just to be sure. Walking down into the bottom of the valley, Bella looked at the land around her, rising up like a purple bowl with her in the deepest part.

"You know, I used to come here all the time when I was little. I'd just sit here, and pretend...things. Or bring a book and read for hours. Sometimes I'd just lay down and look up at the clouds going past in the sky."

"What _things_ would you pretend?"

_Dammit Swan, stop giving him ammo._

"Oh you know, little girl games I guess."

"The handsome prince charging up on his white horse to carry you off into the sunset so you two could live happily ever after?"

Remembering just how often she'd imagined exactly that, with Edward in the role of handsome prince, Bella felt herself blush as she mumbled her reply.

"Yeah, something like that."

Surprisingly Edward didn't mock her, or even laugh. He just nodded and kept walking beside her, letting silence fall between them.

_Another Edward surprise. If I'd admitted that to Emmett I'd be hearing about it for the rest of my life._

It seemed like every time she filed Edward safely into one slot, he did or said something that completely changed her view of him.

_Except for how incredibly irritating he is. And how incredibly hot he is._

Sighing quietly, Bella looked at her watch and muttered a choice four letter word.

"We should head back. I've got more work than I can handle as it is, and taking half a day off isn't going to make it any easier."

Turning back towards the upward slope of the hill she started walking, not waiting to see if Edward was following. For a moment she didn't hear anything, and wondered if he was just going to stay here and daydream.

_Must be nice to have that option. Not like he has to help Carlisle; they have more hands to help than they know what to do with._

Bella knew she falling into an old pattern, making Edward the lucky Lothario who had all the time in the world to woo women and only working when he wanted to. Part of her knew it wasn't exactly true, but most of her didn't care. Thinking of him that way was so much easier than thinking he had more beneath the surface than she'd realized.

His voice, just behind her, startled her out of her reverie.

_Damn he's quiet on his feet._

"Why don't you let me help you?"

Knitting her eyebrows together, Bella gave an incredulous snort and kept walking.

"Sure, I'll just hire you right out from under Carlisle's nose, and you can come do manual labor for slave wages. For my next trick, I'll pull hundred dollar bills from behind my ear."

Edward chuckled quietly, stepping up so that they were once again side by side as they trekked back up the purple hill.

"Carlisle doesn't need my help, not really, and you know that as well as I do. But you need my help, and I'm offering it to you for free. Well, almost free."

Immediately walls went up inside Bella.

_I don't need anyone's help, especially not some spoiled wannabe Don Juan, who just wants to help me because..._

Bella's thoughts hit one of the walls she'd put up.

_ Why did he want to help? What was he going to get out of it?_

"No thanks Cullen. I'll be just fine without your help."

Bella knew she sounded like a sullen teenager, she just didn't care.

"Cut the crap Bella. You need help, whether you want to admit it or not. And while your pride is famous in these parts, I figured you would be able to swallow enough of it to save your ranch. Or do you not really care as much as you _pretend_ to?"

Bella turned quickly, almost snarling her response. Jabbing her finger forcefully into his chest she said, "Listen here _Edward_. I'm not in the habit of explaining myself to people, but you appear to be slower than most, so I'll make an exception. _My ranch is my life now._ It's the only thing I have left , and I'll do whatever it takes to keep it up and running. How dare you presume to know anything about me? Why don't you just go back to your charmed life and leave me be."

Trembling with anger, Bella turned and started walking quickly up the hill. The feeling of peace she'd felt earlier was gone, hardly a memory of it remained. Taking long steps in an effort to distance herself from Edward, she felt tears pricking her eyes like hot needles.

_Dammit Swan, if you start crying now..._

Her tear ducts had always been hardwired to her emotions; any strong feeling, whether it was happiness, anger, frustration or sadness, could bring tears to her eyes. It was a reaction that always left her feeling helpless, which just made her more upset.

_Welcome to the vicious cycle of your tears. Thank Renee for that one, she was always the emotional one._

Thinking of her mother did nothing to stop the tears, now sliding down her cheeks like tiny drops of lava; hot and fast and uncontrollable.

_Dammit Mom, why did you leave me? I'm so far over my head I may as well just let go and sink to the bottom._

Bella's strides paused for just a fraction of a moment as she considered giving in. Then Charlie's voice filled her mind, gruff and almost quiet.

_Bella Swan, I didn't raise no quitter. When the going gets tough, it looks to a Swan for help. Not wipe that snot off your face and put your big girl panties on and lets deal with this thing._

The memory alone was enough to straighten her spine, and Bella stretched her right leg out to go back to her purposeful stride when something stopped her like an iron shackle.

Whirling around to face Edward so fast her hair swung over her face, Bella took one deep breathe and prepared to let him have it.

_No one stops me, no one holds me back, especially not..._

The rest of the thought vanished before it was fully formed as she felt herself pulled against Edward's body again, his vice grip letting go of her arm just long enough to snake around her waist.

Before she could get the first word out, his mouth was on hers, and then the world spun away like a planet whose gravitational pull has just been severed from the sun.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah, I did it. You know you love UST cliffies, don't even lie. **

**So I got a lot of great reviews for the last chapter that ended with super polite questions about this update. I apologize for taking so long, and I swear that I want to write it as bad as you guys want to read it. Unfortunately I have a crazy busy real life. Autism is a big thing in our household, and I enjoy kicking it's ass at every given opportunity. It's offered itself up a ridiculous amount these past two weeks, and while the war has been tough, I think I'm winning. Haha, take THAT autism!**

**Anyway, this chapter would be nowhere near as awesome without the help of two of the most insightful, intelligent, all-around awesome betas out there. Rameau is just so... good. I know, that's lame, but seriously she is one tough chicken and I love her notes. They make me think, and I am constantly learning. I know I'm doing something right when I get a little smiley face from her. Bookjunkie1975 is my secret soul-mate (sshhh, don't tell her). She sees what I'm attempting, and tells me to cut the bull and do it right. Which I try to do. While listening to her awesome blips on Twitter and reading anything she rec's me. Seriously, she can rec a story for any mood, and it's garaunteed to be a good read. Trufax. _(Yeah, I left 'valorous', but I made it work, right? Right?!)_**

**A quick rec on that note: Goodnight Noises Everywhere by the fantastic Feisty Y. Beden. If you like Stephen King's The Stand, go read it. She hasn't, but I'm working on it. I know if I say it enough I can wear her down and she'll read it just to shut me up. **

**I'm not going to say when the next update is coming out, because I know life will slow me down, but I assure you I will not leave this story. I'm in love with it myself, and besides... my OCD won't let me leave it half done. The average seems to be three weeks, but my husband will be home soon, so maybe not that long. I'll be on my Hale Bale til then ;)**


	8. Chapter 7

_**Stephenie Meyer owns anything Twilight in this story. The remainder is my original work. ****No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without my express written authorization.**** Copyright January 2010 by Word Ninja.**_

CHAPTER 7

**_A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. _**

**_~Ingrid Bergman_**

**_

* * *

  
_**

_Oh my god._

There were bees buzzing and a slight breeze rustling the long grasses and far, far overhead was an airplane leaving a pale line across the sky.

Bella couldn't hear anything except her own heart throbbing in her ears, and that sound was the farthest thing from her mind.

_Oh my god._

Edward Cullen was kissing her. His arm was wrapped around her waist so tight she could hardly breathe, and his lips were moving over hers as if he had all the time in the world.

_Oh my god._

Her life had been full of kisses; her Grandma Swan's gentle**,** pink coated kisses when she was young, Renee's quick**,** butterfly kisses, Charlie's scratchy**,** warm kisses. There had been kisses from boys, awkward, wet and sometimes sweet in their innocence. She'd even had kisses from a stranger during her single one night stand that had been jarring and harsh and almost sickeningly erotic in their complete lack of innocence.

None of them rocked her to the soles of feet and the deepest part of her belly and spun the air out of her lungs like wildfire. Not one of them compared to the feeling of Edward's full, soft lips sliding over her own.

_Oh my god, Edward Cullen is kissing me._

Bella's brain kept trying to push past that, to grasp the next thing in line, (and Bella knew there was something else in line, she just couldn't quite... _focus_), but then she'd feel Edward's fingers spreading over the small of her back and she'd be right back there again.

_Oh my god. Edward Cullen is... kissing. Me._

Her own arms were against his chest, unable to move because he was crushing her to him so hard, so she just spread her fingers across the hard planes of his muscles and let him kiss her. When he made a noise deep in his throat, something between a growl and a moan, Bella stopped breathing and would have sworn a lightening bolt shot straight down the center of her.

_Oh my god, Edward. Edward is kissing me, and..._

And what else was there? Every daydream, every childhood fantasy turned to ash and blew away before the reality of him holding her, kissing her. There was nothing awkward, nothing less than perfect about all of it. The way she fit against him, the way his hands settled against her in exactly the right places... it was better than any romance novel could ever have been written.

_Oh my god, he is kissing me, and I feel so..._

What, exactly? Like she was walking on sunshine? Check. Floating on Cloud Nine? Double check. Nirvana, perfection, heaven? Check, check, and check.

_So why can't you shut your ever-running mouth and just..._feel _it then?_

Because something was next in line. What was it after this, after this perfect moment on a perfect afternoon with the most perfect lips ever known to anyone, that wouldn't let her just slide away on the feelings he was pulling from her?

Edward slid one hand slowly up her spine and when his fingers found her hair and wrapped themselves around it Bella groaned into his mouth and tried to get closer.

_I just want to put my arms around him, why won't he let me put my arms around him and feel him?_

She tried again to push her arms free of his, and felt his own tighten around her like iron bands, squeezing the little air she had in her to expel against his mouth. His smiling mouth.

_Why is he smiling at me? Keep kissing me, please Edward keep kissing me. Let me stay lost in this moment of suspended reality where nothing will ever be bad or hard or wrong and just kiss me like this forever._

Leaning into him a little Bella tried to capture his mouth against hers again, but this time he leaned away from her, keeping his arms around her but pulling his upper body back to look down at her.

"Well. That wasn't what I was expecting."

Edward's words, and his droll delivery of them pierced the pink cloud around Bella's brain instantly. Shifting all her weight suddenly back against her heels she broke out of the cage Edward made around her and took two steps away from him.

Opening her mouth to say something, Bella just gaped at him for a minute that dragged on forever as no sound came out**. ** Closing her mouth, Bella took a deep breath and tried again. Two more times and she realized, half a second before Edward's grin widened, that she must look like a gaping fish, her mouth opening and closing in 'o' shapes with no sound coming out.

His grin, (_no, his smirk, that's a fucking smirk on his face and what the fuck is smirkable about kissing me?!) _was growing as she flushed with an anger that was quickly becoming full-blown rage.

"What. The fuck. Is so funny?"

Bella tried to keep her voice level but suddenly everything was spinning and red and nothing was right anymore, _and why couldn't he just keep kissing me?_

"And what the fuck did you _expect_ when you kissed me? For me to sprout wings and fly around the fields? To pass out from disgust? What?"

Edward's grin (_it's a smirk goddamn him for kissing me and smirking and he's just a manwhore and I'm just a stupid little girl and oh shit) _quit growing and slowly left his face as she stared at him, and finally he took a step towards her, meaning to soothe or shake or kiss her into oblivion again for all she knew.

_Well fuck that and fuck you Edward, no... Lothario fucking Cullen. _

Reacting to something so deep and hidden she hadn't realized it was there until just that second Bella felt her right fist connect with his perfect jaw as she swung from the hip, just like Charlie had taught her.

She had a moment to appreciate the shocked expression on his face (_weren't expecting _that _either were you asshole?) _before pain flowered out from her still clenched fist and traveled up her arm like the fuse on a firework, but backward**.**

Gasping and pulling her throbbing hand to her chest Bella inspected her knuckles and was surprised to see tiny scrapes along them, letting out tiny pinpricks of blood as she flexed her fingers. She stared at them for a moment without actually seeing them, then reality, well... sucker punched her.

_Oh my god._

_ Edward Cullen kissed me and I punched him in the face__._

_* * *_

Bella stood in silence, holding her throbbing fist against her chest and staring at Edward as he rubbed his jaw. She'd never hit anyone, much less punched them as hard as she could.

_Whatever Bella, he deserved it._

Maybe. She was still mortified that she'd actually done it.

"I can't say I was expecting that either. Hell Bella, you've got a mean right hook. Charlie would be proud." Edward's voice was level, but there was something underlying his calm tone.

Bella opened her mouth to apologize profusely, but Edward had one finger against her lips before she got the first word out.

"Hush. I'm not going to insult both of us and apologize for kissing you, because I think we both know it was great."

Bella spluttered against his finger as she tried to reply and got another 'hush' from Edward before he continued.

"I will however apologize for... stealing it. That was rude, and I'm sorry. Furthermore, I'll make you a promise; I won't kiss you again until you ask me to."

That was too much, even from Edward. All the remorse she felt vanished only to replaced with righteous indignation.

"You are the most arrogant, conceited... What makes you think I would ever ask you to kiss me? You think I'm just another one of the local girls who would be thrilled to receive attention from the magnificent Edward Cullen, and let me just tell you, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm not one of your little playthings, and I will not be a momentary amusement for you, and I most certainly will _not _be asking you to kiss me again. Ever."

There was so much boiling up in Bella that standing still was impossible. She turned on her heel and walked back toward her ranch, fuming and flushed and feeling a sense of embarrassment that didn't make sense.

Keeping her strides long to distance herself from Edward, Bella tried to get her thoughts in some sort of order, but there was just too much flying around.

Glancing down at her watch, Bella was amazed to see how little time had actually passed. Somehow in an hour she'd managed to ogle Edward, connect with him on some strange deep level, and get pissed at him for offering to help her.

_And let's not forget about experiencing the kiss you spent more dreaming about than any normal, healthy person should._

Her long strides slowed as she thought about that moment and how his lips had felt on hers, the way his hands had touched her perfectly and...

_And what Swan? He's an asshole and he kissed you, and you hate him. Let's get our priorities straight, shall we?_

Prissy was back full force, and Bella welcomed her for once.

_Edward Cullen is a manwhore. You are not one of his easy girls to be kissed and fawn and faint over him. You will not let him treat you like you are one of them._

Bella's steps lengthened back out as she thought about that. Edward was a jerk, and Bella had no desire to be part of a harem of skanks.

_Gaggle? Flock? How exactly does one describe a group of women who throw themselves shamelessly on a man?_

That brought a smile to her face, and Bella felt a little bit lighter until the other voice spoke up in her head.

_But what about the kiss? You can't just ignore the fact that you felt like a fairytale when he kissed you. That's never happened before._

Bella sighed and cursed the rebellious voice. Because it was right, she'd never felt anything like that kiss.

_Which just proves that he has more experience than anyone else you kissed. And that's not a good thing._

_ SHUT UP! Everyone in my head just shut up and sit down. I can't think right now, and I can feel his eyes on me, and I just want to get away._

Refusing to turn around, Bella walked the rest of the way to the ranch in front of Edward, and going back and forth between wanting him to catch her and kiss her again and wanting to turn around and punch him again for making her crazy.

Pausing only for a moment at the fence between their land, Bella turned towards the Cullen house and stormed up the steps into the house, calling for Alice as she went.

_This calls for a girl's night. _

_* * *_

Edward had expected her to be all smooth curves and honey under his hands and on his mouth. He'd expected her to kiss him back, and he'd been right about both. He had not expected her to respond so passionately to his kiss so quickly, and he'd been pleasantly surprised while he'd still been able to appreciate it from an outside point of view.

Then something else had happened, and suddenly the quick friendly kiss he'd meant to give her (_I was only trying to take her mind off everything for a minute, I just wanted her to smile again and be relaxed and comfortable and Bella) _had turned into something reckless and searingly hot. He'd struggled against himself and pulled and fought and tried not to give in to the demand _every single nerve in his body_ had been screaming (to kiss her kiss her kiss her and fingers in her hair and on her skin and kiss her kiss her kiss her). When she'd moaned things came unraveled inside him and he did hold her tighter then, because if she touched him with her slight hands one more time, just one more time, he was going to throw her down in the middle of the field and make love to every single inch of her until the stars came and went a thousand times.

She'd flexed her skinny arms against his then, testing the strength of the cage he'd made, and he'd started smiling. He couldn't help himself, and he didn't really want to because it was a good smile, a _great _smile, one of the ones you feel all the way down and all the way through and remember in later days when there was nothing to smile about. It was just so... _Bella. _There was no way she could move until he let her, and she had to have known it, but there was no way she was going to quit trying either.

She leaned closer to him, and because at least 95% of him still wanted to lay her across the purple flowers and connect every freckle she had... with his tongue…he pulled back further from her and said the only thought in his brain that didn't involve taking off her clothes and tasting the backs of her knees and the translucent skin behind her ears.

"Well. That wasn't what I was expecting."

Which apparently was the worst possible thing he could have said.

Just as he'd loosened his hold around her she'd jerked back like he'd burned her, and the two steps she put between them seemed a million miles wider. She'd opened her mouth, and Edward had felt the most irrational fear of whatever she was about to say. He'd almost stepped back up to her and started kissing her senseless again, just to stop her.

But he'd waited, and she'd closed her mouth only to open it again immediately. The second time she completed the cycle Edward had grinned hugely because she was just so fucking cute all flushed and dark-eyed with her lips pink and damp from kissing his, just opening and closing in adorable little "o's" that made them that much more enticing.

He'd watched as she'd grown redder, and that sense of something unexpected coming hit him again, right before she asked what the fuck was so funny and suddenly nothing was any more. He'd taken a step towards her, needing to explain that she was wrong, that he'd only wanted to make her smile again, to give her a moment free from all the heaviness of her life.

Then she'd punched him, right across his fucking jaw. Hard.

_Definitely didn't expect that either._

Edward thought about it as they walked back to the house in silence. He watched Bella walking, anger coming off her in waves, showing in every tense line of her body. He could feel the tension in his own body growing as he replayed it in his mind, his own anger growing with each repetition.

_If she wants to pout that's up to her, but I'll be damned if I'm going to walk up there and try to make it better. Shit, all I did was kiss her. And got a right hook for it, and thank you so much Charlie for teaching her that one. My jaw will be sore for the rest of the fucking week._

He'd only been trying to be nice to her, to give her a friendly kiss. And if it had gotten a little out of control, well that was as much her fault as his.

_She liked it. There's no way she would have kissed me back like that if she hadn't liked it. So why the hell did she hit me?!_

Women were a huge pain in the ass, and Bella had just reminded him. Maybe she had been cool to start with, and easy to be around, but she was still a woman. And women were crazy.

_Maybe I should thank her for hitting me._

Edward snorted quietly at the thought, and watched as Bella paused between their houses before striding purposefully up to his own front door.

_Great. Just fucking great._

Two minutes later she and Alice were in Alice's room, the door tightly closed and the sound of giggles and whispers coming through the door. Edward snorted again, in disgust for all things female, and went to find Esme. At least he could enjoy the strawberry ice cream.

* * *

"What do you mean, Emmett ate all the ice cream?! Dammit!"

Edwards hands went to his head and lifted off his hat so he could pull on his hair as he paced the kitchen floor in front of Esme.

"Edward, I'll pretend I didn't just hear that language under this roof because I know my son loves and respects me enough not to use it in front of his mother. And I apologize about the ice cream, Emmett sneaked in while I was out at the barn taking some to your father. When I came back there was nothing but an empty tub and a spoon in the sink."

Esme walked over to Edward and stood in front of him, her face turned up to his.

"And I've already started another batch and told Emmett that he would be disowned if he came anywhere near it."

Edward sighed and pulled his hair again before he wrapped Esme up in a tight hug, lifting her feet off the floor and making her laugh. It was a sweet sound and it took the sharpest edge off his anger.

"Thanks Mom. I'm sorry I cursed in your kitchen. And you're the most beautiful, amazing, perfect woman in the entire history of the world."

Esme smiled back at him then turned to move back towards the meal she was putting together for dinner.

"So do you want to tell me what's going on, or would you rather pull your hair out piece by piece?"

Edward chuckled at her tone; she somehow managed to make him feel completely ridiculous and five years old again.

"I don't know, really. I just feel... restless I guess."

"Tired of being at home again with your old boring parents I suppose."

Edward smiled, telling her that neither she nor Carlisle was old or boring.

"I'm just ready to start doing something. I mean, something that only I've done. Not that what you've done isn't good enough, I just don't feel..." Edward trailed off and absently lifted one hand back to his hair and began pulling at it again.

"I'm not saying this very well, am I? What I mean is that you and Dad have made this such a wonderful place, our home, the ranch, everything. You worked hard and struggled and had tough times and made this beautiful place that runs like a dream. But I want to do that. I want to put every bit of myself into something and sweat and bleed for it. I want to make something with my own hands that I can look back at one day and be proud of, the way you two are of this place."

Esme had stopped re-arranging the table as he spoke, and when he looked back at her their were tears standing in the corners of her eyes.

"Oh Edward. I am so proud of you, of the man you've become."

She walked to him again and gave him a quick hug before moving back to her table, fluttering like a butterfly over her dishes.

"Whatever you decide to do, you know your father and I will be right behind you backing you up."

"I know Mom. And thanks."

"You're welcome. Now, why don't you tell my why Bella left with a smile and came back looking like she couldn't decide whether to cry or start swinging."

_Damn she's good. And it's a little late for the "start swinging" part, considering the way my jaw is throbbing._

"Um, well... we went for a walk, and I told her I would help her, you know, around the ranch because she doesn't have enough people working over their, and she's working herself to death, you can see the shadows under her eyes, and it's not like Dad really needs my help, especially since Jasper is here and I just thought that maybe she would like to have some help..."

Edward realized he was rambling, and stopped talking to take a deep breath. Then he started again.

"She's got too much pride to ask for help, I thought she might take it if it was offered. She... declined my offer."

_And that's enough for you to know Mom, please don't start diving for pearls. _

"Hmm..."

_Not a promising response. Great._

"Well, you offered to help, and she declined. There isn't a whole lot more you can do about that. Bella's got a stubborn streak wider thanthe Montana sky, and I love her dearly for it. She's not the type of girl who takes things on lightly, but when she does take something on, she fights tooth and nail to the death to keep it. She's stronger than anyone gives her credit for, but she's also just a scared little girl who's trying to make her own way. Surely you understand _that_ Edward."

Esme continued to flit around, leaving Edward to stew in silence over her words. She given him a completely sensible reason for why Bella had refused his help, but Edward felt like she was saying something else, telling him something completely different.

_But what the hell is it?_

_* * *_

Bella sat on the foot of Alice's bed, laughing hysterically at Alice's story about Jessica Stanley and her latest attempt to get Jasper to notice her. It involved a tube of red lipstick, a very tiny skirt, and an unfortunate amount of"napkin dropping". Apparently she'd been in the feed store at the same time as Jasper, and she'd managed to stay on the same aisle as him the entire time, dropping nearly everything she picked up just so Jasper would stop, retrieve it, and give it back to her.

Everything was going splendidly for Jessica until Jasper picked up the last thing she dropped and asked her if she'd thought about seeing a doctor for her problem. Alice had been spying from the next aisle over, and she said the look on Jessica's face was priceless, while Jasper's had been nearly shining with good intentions.

Bella was almost in tears, gasping into the comforter as she imagined the scene Alice painted for her. Jessica had always been desperate, sometimes going to such extreme lengths that even Whorin' Lauren had been surprised, but Bella could just imagine how ridiculous she must have looked to Jasper, who would never fall for something that obvious.

"Alice, what exactly were _you _doing there? Not spying on Jasper, surely."

Alice gave Bella a level stare and answered, "What I was doing there can wait. Why don't you tell me what's going on with you?"

Bella's giggles evaporated as Alice looked at her, waiting for a response.

"Nothing Alice, why do you ask?"

"Bella, don't even try to pull this shit on me. I'm your best friend, and I can tell when something is wrong, no matter how stoic and contained you think you are. So tell me, or I'll find out my way."

Bella looked at her diminutive friend for a moment, and remembered standing on Violet Hill with her thoughts of being a terrible best friend.

_Here's your chance Bella, let Alice be your friend again. Besides, it might feel good to get some of this off your chest._

"Alice, I... Not tonight."

Bella watched as Alice's face fell and wondered how many times she had hurt her friend by simply not sharing.

_You are a horrible friend, and a bad person. _

"It's going to take a little while for me to get through it all, and I'd rather we have plenty of time for that, so why don't we have a sleepover? We haven't done that in a long time. You can torture me with that medieval device you swear is an eyelash curler and I'll spill secrets. It'll be fun, right?"

Alice launched herself across the bed at Bella and hugged her tightly before launching into plans like a wartime general.

"We'll do it Friday, and I'll get some wine and I'll pamper you and we'll tell secrets and whisper and, oh Bella... Thank you."

Bella cringed internally at Alice's enthusiasm but smiled and nodded and hugged her back. She owed Alice at least that much.

_Girl's night could be fun, right? Besides, it's been too long since you spent time with another female, and a bottle of wine should smooth away all the rough edges. Friday night, here I come._

_* * *_

* * *

**A/N: **

**CONTEST: Silence of the Wolves. If you've always wanted to kill of a member of the pack, or thought Jake should die a slow, painful death, or maybe a wolf dies in a moment of supreme unselfishness to help everyone else... If you're interested, check it out on my profile page. **

**First off, thanks to all of you who continue to read despite the fact that it takes me forever to update. I've already started the next chapter, and I'll make every effort I can to get it out sooner than this one! Whether or not you leave a review, it makes me smile to know that people are enjoying this enough to keep reading. And for those of you who review, I heart you guys so hard. I learn something from each and every one of them, and they set my heartwings all aflutter.**

**Secondly, if there's something you're not happy with in this chapter, I can almost guarantee that one of my betas told me to get rid of it or fix it. Which I didn't listen to. So the fault is all mine, and please feel free to do a little mini-beta in the review if there's something you think could have been done better/different. I love constructive criticism.**

**Last but never ever least, my betas. rameau is the toughest, greatest teacher I could have hoped for. And if she decides not to beta anymore, I only hope she'll grace me with her HILARIOUS side notes. ("What if instead of a one night stand, Bella decided to be a one night slut..." From this is born a crackfick so funny I can't stop laughing/crying long enough to write it.)**

**And bookjunkie1975, whose praises I cannot sing enough of. I fangirl all over her constantly, which must be annoying, but she's just so lovely. She's my soulsistah. Anything she rec's, be it fics, books, music, movies, whatev.... trust her and go check it out. She's pure amaze, and my ego wants to make out with her. (It told me so after her #FF for me on Twitter.)**

**Get your Hale bales at the ready ladies, guess whose coming up in the next chapter? ;)**

**Oh, and there's links to some _gaw-juss_ (gorgeous for all you non-southerners) banners for Big Sky on my profile page.**


	9. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Frozen peach drinkies belong to me.**_

**A/N: **Thank you Reader, if you're still here. I fail at updating, and blame no flouncers. But if you're still here, I tacklehug you largely.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

"_**A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world goes out."**_

_**~Grace Pulpit**_

"There are forces in the universe working against me Alice, I swear."

Bella stood in the kitchen holding the phone with one hand and using the other to rub the sore spot on her knee where she'd kicked the door on her way to the phone.

"Sweetie, I love you. But c'mon, we both know that grace has never been your strong suit."

Bella could hear Alice smothering a laugh and couldn't help but grimace in agreement.

"It's worse than usual though Alice. Things have been jumping out in front of me all week. I have zero balance, and yesterday..."

Bella sighed before continuing, "Yesterday I was standing still, and I... fell. Down."

Alice's snort came through the phone like a shot, making Bella wince and hold the phone away from her ear. Even with six inches between her ear and Alice's cackling, it was loud and clear. As Bella waited for her friend to calm down enough to speak again, she closed her eyes and enjoyed a moment of being still.

It was only Thursday, but Bella was stupidly tired. She'd suffered through Sunday, feeling savagely guilty for skipping out of work on Saturday with Edward, and when Monday morning rolled around she threw herself into work. She'd baled more hay than she'd ever thought possible, working like a woman possessed and thinking of every aching muscle and drop of sweat as some sort of payment for her stolen time.

She'd spent all day Tuesday and Wednesday showing off her perfectly groomed horses to prospective buyers and haggled prices for hours. It was a required part of being a rancher, and while she could hold her own admirably on the surface, inside she was a quivery mass of terrified jelly. The stress of keeping a stern tone and dickering back and forth with other ranchers, combined with an innate need to avoid confrontations and a deep fear of failure, was enough to send her into a full-on hysterical breakdown when she was alone. It had been worse this time though; knowing that her very livelihood was balanced on the outcome had added another edge to the sharp thing inside her. It was like a ball of nails and glass and white-hot metal hooks, just rolling around in her stomach as she struggled to get a few more dollars out of each buyer.

If that alone hadn't been enough, she'd had to watch her horses leave forever, something infinitely more painful than the sharp thing in her belly. They were tied together with her parents in knots formed of childhood and a love bordering on adoration, and the part of Bella that would always remain a child felt sick with failure. Pleasing her parents had become the most important thing in Bella's mind; the fact that they were not around to be pleased only made it more imperative somehow. She'd watched the fruit of all their hard work, of their _lives,_ driven off in big silver trailers, crushing her heart under their dusty black tires. Her face had been calm, professional; she'd saved the tears until night had come and she could finally crawl into her bed.

Now it was Thursday evening and she was physically and emotionally exhausted.

_And talking to Alice isn't exactly the most relaxing act in the world._

Holding the phone back to her ear Bella heard Alice saying, "...and I've got the most amazing face mask for us to use, it's all organic and it has seaweed extract and soy proteins in it."

"Wait, are we eating this crap or putting it on our skin?"

Alice giggled again and said, "Bella! I'm so excited about tomorrow night! I've got everything all planned out and I just know you're going to love it!"

Trying not to sigh loud enough for Alice to hear, Bella's eyes closed and she brought her hand from her knee to her head, pressing her fingertips against the throbbing parts.

"Me too Alice. It's going to be... a lot of fun."

An errant thought suddenly made Bella's eyes jerk open.

_Now how can I ask her without actually having to ask?_

As if she was listening to Bella's thoughts over the phone Alice said, "Rose and Em are going to have a date night in town and they always stay in a hotel there over night. Jasper and Edward are playing poker in town tomorrow night at The Horseshoe, so we'll have the house to ourselves!"

"Wait, what about Carlisle and Esme?"

"Didn't I tell you? They're doing some charity fundraiser thing in Missoula so they won't be back until Monday. Just think Bella... No Emmett to steal our munchies, no Edward to ridicule our taste in music, no Rose to drink our wine... It's going to be amazing!"

Bella couldn't help laughing at Alice's enthusiasm. No matter what mood she was in, she was passionate about it, and as a result all of her statements were exclamations. Bella let Alice's voice fade into the background and let her mind drift to the place it had been straying all day, despite her best efforts.

_Edward Cullen_. Something inside her expanded and contracted each time she thought about him, like a fist around her lungs that tensed and relaxed of it's own accord. Bella didn't feel quite ready to see him again, and felt pretty certain that he was in no hurry to see her again either.

_Not that I'm scared or intimidated. I just don't want to punch him again._

Bella knew that was the truth, so she didn't feel bad for thinking that instead of about the butterflies swarming around inside her when she remembered how his hands had been warm and rough against her skin when...

_Stop that._

Prissy Voice sounded tired of nagging, and Bella wholeheartedly agreed. She was tired of replaying it in her mind, but she couldn't seem to stop. The memory of that kiss was behind every thought, every movement, every blink since Saturday. It hid silently beneath every word and face, jumping out to take her breath away and weaken her knees.

_Maybe the weak knees has something to do with the standing still and falling down thing._

Which was pretty pathetic in Bella's opinion.

_But it's true and you know it._

Bella felt the urge to snarl at the voice that whispered in her head but caught herself just in time. As Alice rambled on about Friday night, Bella tried to think about it rationally.

Since Edward had kissed her she'd been off-balance, like something had disconnected between her and gravity, making each step she took hazardous.

_Or since you punched him._

That thought cheered her up a little, so she decided to stick with it as she tuned Alice's voice back in.

"So just come straight from the barn okay? I've got this great deep conditioner I want you to use so you can just shower here and wear something of mine."

Bella just agreed and hung the phone gently on the receiver after telling Alice goodbye.

Glancing around her parent's kitchen, (still and always _theirs_, never _hers_), Bella again felt the weight of her exhaustion. Her head ached, her knee ached, her heart ached.

_Well boo hoo Bella Swan._

The evenings last dusky rays of sun came through the window above the sink and gave the kitchen a warm, hazy glow. She thought about how it would have been if her parents were alive.

Charlie would be sitting at the table with his newspaper and his beer. Renee would be flitting around the kitchen helping me make dinner. Renee helping usually meant she was singing, dancing and talking all at the same time as Bella made the food. Charlie wouldn't whine; neither would Renee for that matter so just get on with it already.

Taking one last look at Charlie's empty chair, Bella tried to draw strength from her memories instead of just sad nostalgia.

_I miss you Dad, so damned much. I need your silence and your steadiness so badly right now._

And she would never have it again; never know that she was making him proud, never see the smile he had for the newborn foals, never hold his calloused hand for Easter grace...

_ Stop it Bella, let's not take a trip down Memory Lane. It always leads to Sobbing Agony Street, and that's one place you've been spending way too much time lately._

Straightening her back and shaking off her sorrow, Bella walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her bedroom. She looked at the clock, and couldn't remember the last time she'd gone to bed so early, but something told her it wouldn't hurt to try. If she was spending an entire night with Alice Cullen, she was going to need all the rest she could get.

Through the open window she could hear someone playing the Cullen's piano. The notes hovered between melancholy yearning and piercing hope, floating across the evening air like a sigh. Bella lay with her eyes closed and let the sound cover her like a blanket, one last thought following her down into sleep.

_I'll have to thank Esme for playing..._

Friday was...

_...what exactly?_

Bella thought about it as she closed the door to her office in the barn.

_Not strange really, and definitely not bad. Which is why it's so strange._

It had been a wonderful day, something Bella hadn't really had since her parent's deaths.

_Weird, that's the word I'm looking for. Today has been weird._

She'd woken up feeling fully rested and refreshed for the first time in forever. When Harry came into the barn, she'd been belting out Garth Brooks with the radio at the top of her lungs. Harry had smiled at her and she'd smiled back then kept singing along with Garth as he claimed he wasn't going down until the sun came up. She hadn't fallen, tripped, knocked, or scraped anything all day, nothing had suddenly broken or gone wrong. The one part of her day guaranteed to bring her down, doing the books with more red pen than black, had gone surprisingly well. Not great, as she'd barely touched her black pen, but she'd barely touched the red one either and that was saying something.

Waving at Harry as she walked across the pasture towards the Cullen's, Bella could feel herself grinning like an idiot.

_God, I feel great! Tonight is going to be fun. I don't know why I always psyche myself out of spending time with Alice. Even if she does want to put half the contents of the fridge on my body and __hair; she does it because she loves me, and I can handle it because today is a perfect day._

By the time Bella reached the giant cottonwood tree halfway to Alice's house she was running and her mind flashed back to a thousand childhood memories of rushing over to see Alice after school. They were happy, carefree memories and Bella felt her smile stretching wider as she raced up the steps and across the porch.

Pausing for a moment at the front door, Bella raced through it and slammed it behind her, the sound effectively cutting off the half-expressed name she didn't want to think of.

"Alice!"

Bella skipped stairs on her way up to Alice's room, and heard a loud thump coming from behind Alice's door. Pushing it open, Bella glanced around for her friend.

"Alice? Ali... what the hell is that thing?"

Alice's room looked it a hurricane had recently spent a week being a horrible house guest. There were clothes in a myriad of colors strewn over every available surface, pulling a strange image of a Jackson Pollack canvas to Bella's mind before her eyes landed on the _thing _taking up the center of the floor.

It seemed to have a vaguely human form, and Bella thought it kind of resembled a scarecrow put together by a science fiction obsessed teen, who may or may not have been under the influence of some sort of hallucinogen when it was assembled. There appeared to be no less than three shirts layered on top of one another, each in a shocking shade of day-glo colors, and a few more slung haphazardly around the top half of the "body". There weren't any noticeable arms, but scarves and the type of long socks she wore in the freezing Montana winters were hanging down the sides, giving it the appearance of arms made out of tacky rainbows.

Where the head would be was a white helmet with black plastic over the eyes and a strange metal piece over the mouth.

_That almost looks like..._

"Alice, where are you and why the hell do you have an armless cross-dressing Storm Trooper in your room?"

Something rustled in the closet on the far side of the room, and a mass of clothes stood up and faced her. When it giggled, Bella knew it was Alice, but watching her friend stumble over the piles of cloth and shoes with more clothes than Bella owned draped over her arms, shoulders, and head, Bella had a mental image that made her snort and laugh until she collapsed on the floor in front of the Star Wars drag queen.

"Ah...Ah... Alice... you look like... " Bella stopped because another storm of giggles over took her and she howled on the floor.

"Like a what?"

Alice tried to look indignant but ended up looking more ridiculous, largely due to the feather boa that kept making her nose twitch, and Bella lost it again. She hugged her stomach and rolled back and forth on the floor gasping for air between hysterical bursts of laughter.

"You... you look like... The Bride of Frankenstein, but... but... the Star Wars version... "

Bella went off in another gale of giggles and Alice looked thoughtful for a moment as she looked back and forth between herself and the Storm Trooper. She giggled along with Bella then started throwing pieces of clothing willy-nilly from herself and into the air, completely disregarding where they landed. Bella tried to sit up and calm down a little, wiping tears from her eyes as she watched Alice regain her own shape as shirts and pants and skirts and pantyhose flew from her nimble fingers. Once Alice finished throwing her own clothes around, she reached for her groom and started on him.

"Okay, seriously Alice, what the hell is going on in here?"

Alice spoke as she continued yanking scarves and socks and what appeared to be a zebra striped corset with garters hanging off it.

"Esme had this old dress form in the attic, you know the ones that automatically make you think of Paris and beautiful dresses and I just had to bring it down here, and while I was dragging this thing down the hallway I had the greatest idea! Oh my God Bella, you're going to look so fucking amazing, I just know it! Anyway, I couldn't find it and I _knew_ it was in here, so I started throwing everything around looking for it but then I remembered Halloween a few years back, and I was pretty sure I tossed it in with the costumes because I knew there was no way in hell I would be able to pull it off unless it _was _Halloween..." Bella cut her off quickly.

"You couldn't find what exactly? And why I am going to look so fucking amazing, and what does Halloween have to do with any of it?"

_Also, when do you breathe and how many times a day do you accidentally bite your own tongue? Because talking that fast has got to be hazardous to your health._

"Hallow_een_, Bella, has everything to do with it. Weren't you listening? I found you the most incredible perfection, and you're going to wear it to the garden party. I _almost_ wore it that one Halloween, but then decided to be a ninja instead, remember?"

Bella shook her head bemusedly at her friend, but then memory sparked and she nodded slowly.

"That was the year I had mono, wasn't it? I didn't go because I looked like a damn chipmunk on steroids and swallowing my own drool was painful enough to make me pass out."

Alice nodded sympathetically, but Bella could see the tell-tale wrinkle starting to form on her nose. The wrinkle was a dead giveaway that Alice was attempting not to laugh out loud.

"It wasn't funny, I had a neck like a body builder from all the swelling, and I don't ever want to feel that shitty again."

Alice continued nodding sagely, and even went so far as to reach a hand out towards Bella's shoulder before Bella smacked at it and Alice let out a tiny little noise that sounded like a squeak and a snort all in one.

"Anyways, I remembered it when I was thinking about what we would wear to the party, and I just knew it would be perfect. I mean literal perfection Bella, you're going to want to make out with me once you see it."

It was Bella's turn to snort at her friend, but she also felt a creeping warmth spreading through her.

_She was thinking about me during the day and for no really consequential reason. She was just going along her day and thought about me and that's what it feels like to be loved. _

"Alice, you still haven't explained to me where the Storm Trooper comes into play."

"Oh, Edward was a Storm Trooper that same year. He and Emmett were going through that Star Wars stage I thought would _never _end." Alice's voice was muffled as she dragged clothes and shoes back into her closet, and Bella crawled off the floor and onto Alice's now visible bed. Laying on her back she closed her eyes for a moment and let her mind wander.

_Edward as a Storm Trooper... _

_ Except he's really Han Solo, coming to rescue me from Darth Vader..._

Bella's eyes flew open again, and she felt her cheeks warming.

_Which is more embarrassing? Fantasizing about myself as Princess Leia, or actually thinking Edward would look pretty fucking hot as a Storm Trooper?_

Alice stepped out of the closet and ran towards Bella, jumping over her to land Indian-style on the bed next to Bella.

"Okay, so first things first. You smell like horses and barn, and while you know there's no better perfume on earth, you need a shower. I want you to try this deep conditioning treatment, c'mon let me show you how to use it."

"Um, Alice? I know this may come as a surprise to you, but I have actually showered before, I think I can probably handle it myself."

Alice rolled her eyes and jumped up to loom over Bella with her arms crossed.

_Well, as much as a tiny person can loom I suppose._

"Yes Bella, I'm sure you can handle washing your hair without instructions. Come on genius, let's go."

Alice jumped over Bella and landed lightly on the floor, reminding Bella of something from years ago. She stood up and followed Alice down the hall to the giant bathroom she and Edward shared.

"Hey Al, remember when you decided to be a circus performer?"

Alice laughed as she pulled out towels and various bottles in different sizes and colors.

"I was going to be the acrobatic horse riding girl who received endless applause for my obviously superior skills to all other circus riders."

Bella pulled her socks off and dragged her filthy tee shirt over her head as Alice turned the water on for her.

"What was your name going to be again?"

Alice snorted and replied, "Alice the Amazing. Kind of completely unoriginal, but I was only eight."

Bella smiled as she slid off her jeans and added them to the pile of her discarded clothes next to her Alice gasped, Bella automatically turned toward her asking,

"Alice, what is it? You look like you just watched a baby get thrown into traffic."

"Worse. Bella, when's the last time you actually took care of yourself? You look terrible!"

"Thanks Al, I know I can always count on you for support. And honesty. Lots and lots of honesty."

Turning to face the full length mirror on the wall, Bella took in her reflection and tried to be objective, to see what Alice saw.

Her bra and underwear were plain cotton and mismatched, but surely that wasn't enough to set Alice off?

_Although I would be completely unsurprised if she actually wore matching silk lingerie to work in the barn all day._

What else did Alice see? Turning slightly, Bella looked at her profile as if she was seeing though a stranger's eyes.

She was thinner than she remembered being, her hip bones poking out on either side and her collar bones showing from shoulder to shoulder. Her skin was milky-pale where the sun didn't touch it, and only a few shades darker where it did.

_I have Renee to thank for the complete inability to tan I guess._

"Alice, I may have lost a little weight but I don't think that really warrants a 'terrible'."

"Oh Bella, it's not just that. You've always been thin, and while I think you could stand to put on a few pounds... No, that's not what I meant. Look at your skin, you've obviously not been exfoliating, _at all. _Which is a crime with skin like yours. Bella, you used to glow like a candle was burning underneath your skin. You are in serious need of my consummate girl skills. Thank God you didn't bail on tonight..."

Alice trailed off as she met Bella's eyes in the mirror.

"Bella, I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"No Alice, it's okay. I've been... a terrible friend since... lately. I'm really sorry I haven't been there for you, and... I'm going to try, really hard, to be the kind of friend you deserve."

Turning to face Alice, Bella felt a sudden tightness in her throat and bit her tongue hard. It brought tears to her eyes, but effectively loosened the knot she couldn't breathe past.

"Bella, you deserve so much more than you believe. And you're still my best friend; that isn't a line in the sand that can be brushed aside any time one of us is going through hard stuff. Even if you never wanted to talk to me again, I'd still harass you. I love you too much to leave you alone. I didn't mean that you haven't been around, but... you haven't really been _here_, even when you're here."

Alice rushed on with wide eyes, "Oh God, I'm saying this all wrong. I didn't mean that you haven't been around, I just meant that you've been going through a lot lately, and you haven't had time to just relax and hang out with me. Which sounds incredibly selfish, I'm just going to shut up now."

"Alice. I don't... I haven't been... I haven't been a good friend. I've been going through things, and it's a pretty dark place in me right now, but that doesn't make it okay for me to shut you out. You're my best friend, and I haven't spent any time with you in months. I feel terrible about that, and I'm... I'm going to try harder."

This time Bella couldn't stop the tears that formed and rolled slowly down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry. Thanks for waiting for me to get my shit straight."

Alice let out a little squeal and wiped her own tears away with the back of her hand before launching herself at Bella and wrapping her slight arms around Bella's waist, squeezing tightly before letting go.

"Okay, it's officially a girl's night now that we've cried on each others shoulders. Go clean up, you stink."

With a quick grin and flip of ebony hair Alice was gone, leaving Bella alone in the bathroom. As she stepped under the hot water, Bella smiled.

_This is really going to be a good night. _

_ Now, which of these twelve bottles of goop is first?_

Bella wasn't sure she was still clean. She'd felt incredible after her shower, the water nearly scalding as it sluiced away more than just the dirt she'd accumulated through the day. A tension she'd no longer noticed had loosened in her body, and she didn't seem to be able to stop grinning like an idiot.

But then Alice had attacked her with more bottles and sprays and lotions and potions than Bella could keep track of. She'd been scrubbed, sanded, polished, oiled, and dried from head to toe. Her skin was smoother than silk, and her hair was so soft and shiny she couldn't stop running her fingers through it.

_At least until Alice painted my nails and put these damn uncomfortable curlers in my hair._

Bella sighed quietly and resisted the urge to dig her fingers into the scalp beneath the curlers.

_I'm pretty sure I can hear my skin screaming up there. But my nails are pretty, and whoever named the color 'I'm Not Really a Waitress' was a tiny bit genius._

Alice was currently searching through her DVD's, looking for something to watch while they ate pizza and ice cream. Bella leaned against Alice's pillows, admiring her fingers and toes, until she heard the opening music coming from the ancient television at the foot of Alice's bed.

"No way! Alice, no fucking way! Do you know how many ways I love you? I would count, but then I wouldn't be able to do anything ever again in my life, so I'm just going to hug the shit out of you when this nail polish dries!"

Alice jumped onto the bed next to Bella, her face covered in some sort of green clay and a big grin.

"You may worship at my feet later. Right now it's time to kick some vampire ass and swoon over the best brooder in the history of sexy men named David Boreanaz."

They spent the next few hours watching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and giggling at each other over the gorgeousness of the men and the general cheesy goodness of the show they watched together in high school.

Once the pizza was gone, and half a gallon of Rocky Road with it, Alice jumped up and shut off the movie.

"It's time for phase two."

Bella's relaxed feeling diminished slightly at the devilish look in Alice's eyes when she said phase two.

_Phase two? Is she going to lead me in some sort of military maneuver involving makeup brushes and hair spray?_

"I see you getting freaked Bella, and don't even go all wide-eyed and try to cover it up. Ugh, do you still blush at everything? I mean seriously La, c'mon."

Bella rolled her eyes at Alice, but smiled at the old nickname she used.

_La. She hasn't called me that in years. Not since..._

Bella scrambled up in the bed, automatically crouching low with her hands out in a defensive position.

"Wait, Alice, you're not going to...

Alice's smile was as pure as driven snow; her eyes were as mischievous as a freshly fallen angel who can't wait to party in Hell.

"Alice, I thought you loved me!"

Bella heard the whine in her voice, but didn't do anything to stop it. If anything, she added more petulance to it when she said, "You swore to me we'd never have to do this again Alice!"

Alice continued pulling boxes out of her closet, her narrow hips already bouncing from side to side as she opened the smallest box.

"I'm sorry, Alice isn't here right now." She talked in a monotone, sounding like the generic answering machines messages people used instead of their own voices.

"If you'd like to leave a message, she'll get back to you tomorrow. If you need immediate help, please press one for... _Lisey Spaaaaaaaarkles!_"

Turning to face Bella with a microphone in one hand and a karaoke disc in the other, Alice was greeted by a look of abject terror and a tiny shriek from Bella.

"Alice, seriously, I told you I was never singing karaoke again. Ever. As in, _for-ev-er. Fooorrreeeevvverrrrr."_

"Your feeble attempts at distracting me with Sandlot humor are to no avail. Lisey Sparkles and Lala Rina are the motherfucking house tonight."

_Oh fuckity fuck, Lisey Sparkles and Lala Rina? There is no way in..._

"Alice there's no way in hell. Not gonna happen. No."

"Oh yes my little Lala, oh yes. Because I have the magic juice, and zero qualms about pouring it down your throat with a tube and a funnel if need be. Now go get the pitcher out of the freezer, they should be perfect by now."

Bella fought a fierce internal war with herself before flying off the bed and racing down the stairs to the kitchen. Yanking open the freezer door, she saw the pitcher of peach colored slush and her mouth began salivating.

_I am Bella's traitorous mouth._

Two hours and an entire pitcher of drinks later, Alice and Bella were wearing the tank tops and cotton shorts they'd put on for bed, their wigs, and ridiculously high stilettos taken from Alice's never-ending closet. They were jumping on Alice's bed and singing along with the 80's greatest hits CD Alice had switched to.

"Liiiiiiiisey, this is my favorite song ever! Let's sing this one!"

Bella's heel caught in the comforter and she slid bonelessly down onto the bed, giggling hysterically and knocking the red wig slightly sideways on her head. When Alice bent over to help her up, Bella tugged her down and laughed harder as Alice face planted into a giant pile of pillows.

_I am definitely drunk, but I fucking love this tiny little hurricane more than life. More than peach frozen drinkies even!_

"I'm thrilled to hear that Lala Rina, and I love you more than all the shit in my closet, but right now, I'm going to own you with these fucking pillows. I was in the middle of my Whitesnake solo!"

Bella grinned fuzzily up at her friend, finding it hilarious that Alice could hear the voices in her head too.

_Wait, did I say that out loud?_

Before Bella could answer herself, a large pillow slammed across her chest, knocking her back onto the mattress. Grabbing blindly for the nearest pillow, she was screaming with laughter as she caught Alice in the shoulder and sent her tumbling down onto the floor.

Standing slowly, Alice tried to straighten her wig as she wobbled on her high heels.

"This is war. Now, you must die."

She was moving her lips quickly without making any sound, then saying the words after, like the badly dubbed Japanese monster films they'd loved as kids, and Bella couldn't laugh anymore because she was gasping just to get air into her lungs.

Alice lunged and got a good hit to Bella's arm, but Bella used the momentum to stand all the way up and throw every pillow she could reach down onto Alice's indignant figure.

_I'm more graceful drunk than sober, awesome. Fuck it, who cares? This is fun!_

Bella ran out of pillows and stepped back on the bed as Alice leaped onto it with a pillow in each hand and immediately began her return volley. Bella managed to get a handful of pillowcase in her hand and tugged it away from Alice, meaning to deliver the final blow.

"Big whammy, coming 'atcha!"

Bracing her legs as best she could, Bella held the pillow behind her and turned her entire upper body into her swing. The pillow slammed into the side of Alice's head and she fell back onto the bed, yelling and giggling and flailing her arms around in the air above her head. Bella couldn't feel her hands anymore, so she gave up and collapsed in a pile over Alice, their arms and legs tangling and both of them struggling to breath through their laughter.

"Well, this is... I'm not exactly sure _what _this is, actually. Jasper, care to hazard a guess?"

Edward's voice poured over Bella like molten lava, and she closed her eyes for a moment to fully enjoy the feeling before she realized what it meant.

Sitting up too quickly her vision blurred and spun before righting itself enough for Bella to see Edward standing at the doorway to Alice's room, his arms crossed as he leaned against the door frame.

_Dear God he looks like walking talking sex. Hot, sweaty sex, the kind with lots of noises and touching and kissing and licking..._

_ Dammit Bella, you're completely drunk. Get it together and put the hormones away._

_ If he licks his lips again I may jump him right here in front of his sister and Jasper._

Realizing Edward had asked Jasper a question, she looked past the doorway to see him standing in the hall, leaning against the banister and grinning lazily at her and Alice.

"I don't think I'm going to answer that one man."

Bella felt the bed shake as Alice jumped down to the floor, somehow landing perfectly on her stiletto heels despite the fact that she'd drank at least as much as Bella. Jasper's eyes widened as he took in Alice's combination of high heels, gym shorts, tank top and sparkly wig, and his smile slipped for just a moment before coming back wider than before.

"I think that's probably a smart answer buddy, considering the creature from the Black Lagoon is staring daggers at both of us."

"What are you two doing here? You're supposed to be in town playing poker and telling lies about your dicks and where they may or may not have been!" Alice's arms crossed and despite her appearance she managed a fairly passable death stare at her older brother.

"We finished up early and... decided to head home."

Bella noticed the pause in his words and wondered what he was covering up, but then his eyes swung from Alice to her and she couldn't think about anything except how dry her mouth suddenly was.

Standing up and stepping down onto the floor, Bella felt proud that she only wobbled a little, and was smiling as she looked into Edward's eyes.

_They're so... what color is that anyways? Blue? Green? I bet it's the color of the sky in heaven._

Alice's pointy elbow connected with Bella's ribs at the same time Edward snorted and looked down at the floor.

_Did I say that out loud again? Dammit..._

"Yes Bella, you did say that out loud. And thank you, your eyes are quite nice as well. I think the flaming red wig really brings out the warmth in them. Or would that be whatever this pitcher used to have in it?"

_He said I have nice eyes... wait, what wig?_

Bella reached up and pulled the now rumpled and mussed wig from her head, her hair falling down past her shoulders as she leaned forward and started laughing again.

"Oh no! Lisey dear, Lala is going to have to call it a night, I fear I have lost my magnificent mane!"

Bella threw the wig at Alice, who giggled back and then they were both laughing again, holding on to each other as they tried to stay upright and howled at everything.

_Everything is funny! Everything is fuzzy too..._

"Um, ladies? Would you care to tell us who Lisey and Lala are?" Jasper seemed genuinely curious, and Bella couldn't help but notice how pretty he was with his sexy-messy blonde hair and sweet smile.

"Jasper, you're so pretty." Bella smiled at him through the haze that had appeared in the room.

Alice took a breath that hitched on each giggle and answered without looking at him.

"Who are Lisey and Lala? _Who are _Lisey _and _Lala? They are faboosh! They are de-lovely, delicious, and divine!"

Bella's head perked up as she heard the lyrics to the Dee-Lite song they both loved, and when Alice started singing it, Bella stood up and grabbed the microphone to join her.

"'How do you say, de-_gorgeous..._"

Launching into a full-fledged song and dance routine, choreographed on the spot, neither Bella nor Alice saw Edward shake his head and turn to go back down the stairs, Jasper still grinning as he followed behind him.

Someone was stabbing Bella in the eyes. Someone with a thousand tiny swords, jabbing them repeatedly into her eyelids and all the way into her brain.

_Tiny demonic fairies? Where's Buffy when you need her?_

Rolling over, Bella groaned and immediately went still again. Her head was pounding, her mouth tasted like something had crawled in it and died, and the stabbing feeling was only getting worse.

_Oh fuck Alice, what did you do to me last night?_

Bella chanced movement again to roll away from the window, the warm sun pouring through the window onto her back.

_The sun is stabbing me to death with itty bitty rays of... death. Ugh, I want to die now, before this gets any worse. _

Bella kept her eyes closed tightly and tried to stay as still as possible as she ran through what she remembered from the previous night.

_I sang karaoke with Alice, no, with Lisey Sparkles. I was Lala Rina again, and I drank five thousand gallons of frozen peach death, and... no, please God no._

_ Did I see Edward last night? Did I _sing _in front of Edward last night? In a wig and high heels and oh fuckity fuck._

The only thing that kept Bella from moaning out loud was the certainty that if she opened her mouth the slightest bit, a moan wouldn't be the only thing that came out.

"Bella? Are you up yet?"

Alice's voice had none of it's usual vibrancy, and as she stumbled into the room wearing a faded flannel robe that looked three sizes too big, Bella felt a moment of pure glee.

_Serves you right Alice._

"Yeah, if you want to call dying a slow and torturous death 'up'."

"The boys made us breakfast, do you want to come down and have some?"

Bella could smell the first hints of bacon and syrup drifting up the stairs, and her stomach immediately clenched.

_Is that because it smells amazing and I'm starving or because I'm going to lose whatever is in there right now?_

"Um, what about just some juice?"

"I'm sure there's some fresh-squeezed orange juice down there, Edward always has some in the fridge."

The mention of Edward made Bella's stomach clench again, this time leaving no doubt about the reason.

"Alice, I don't think I'm up to facing them yet. I seem to remember acting incredibly obnoxious last night, and I'm pretty sure I was singing in the most embarrassing get-up I've ever worn."

Alice started to giggle, then winced and sipped her coffee.

"Yeah, we were pretty drunk last night. But you have to admit, you had a great time and you can't wait to do it again."

She sounded easy and carefree, but there was a hint of worry underneath that made Bella feel just a little guilty.

_She did all of that for the sake of Bella Swan. Because she's your best friend and she loves you. __Show some appreciation for that at least._

"You're right. I honestly can't remember ever laughing so hard, unless you count that time  
Emmett shot milk out of his nose in the cafeteria. And I'm positive that once this horrendous hangover wears off, I'll feel amazing. Seriously, Al... thank you."

Standing slowly, Bella waited until the room was spinning slowly enough that she could walk in a semi-straight line and headed to the bathroom to splash some water on her face.

When she saw her reflection she felt mortification sink in deep, deeper than she would have thought possible while dealing with such an immense hangover.

She'd worn Alice's clothes, and they were a size smaller than her own. Just small enough to ride a little too high on her thighs and show a stripe of skin between the waistband of the shorts and the hem of the tank top. The makeup she'd forgotten Alice applying had smeared over her eyes leaving dark smudges that were almost sexy.

_Yeah, if you like that whole, I-just-got-mugged-in-an-alley type of look. Or you're a raccoon. At least my hair is still soft and shiny._

Bella ran her fingers through it twice, enjoying the decadent way it slid through her palms, then attacked eyes with cold water and a wash cloth. When she'd gotten as much off as she could with just water, she dried her face and gave herself a quick once over.

_I still think I look like a raccoon, but it's the best I can do. Now, what do I do about clothes, because there is no way in hell I'm facing Edward dressed up like a little kid's doll._

While she rummaged through Alice's closet, Bella tried to piece together the conversation she'd had with Edward.

_Did we even have a conversation? I don't really remember much aside from him saying they'd come home early and... wait, did he say I had nice eyes?_

He had said that, Bella could clearly remember him saying that she had nice eyes, and that the red wig really brought out the warmth.

_Oh god, he saw me in that stupid wig singing and dancing and drunk. Why did he even say anything about my eyes? Oh yeah, because my brain to mouth filter apparently went on the fritz after drink number two thousand and seven and I said... oh fuck._

_ I said his eyes were the color of the sky in heaven. Somebody please kill me so I can go see for myself instead of walking down stairs._

Bella pulled on one of Alice's old tee-shirts and a pair of baggy jeans that hung a little low on her hips.

_Better than the skin-tight approach from last night._

Walking down the stairs slowly, Bella held on to the handrail with one white knuckled hand and pressed the other against her throbbing temples.

_I wonder if drunktalk counts towards that whole first talk after I punched you in the face awkwardness. Not that the drunktalk was any less awkward..._

The smells coming from the kitchen were slowly convincing Bella she was hungry, and she stood outside the door for a moment preparing to face the music.

_I think I faced the music last night actually. Today will be called facing the guy you kissed, punched, then drunktalked and sang to. Even better._

Just as she put her hand against the swinging door, it was pulled open from the other side and Jasper was standing there smiling expectantly at her. He'd obviously not been up long, and his hair was still sticking up all over the place, but he looked sweetly sexy and Bella had a brief flash of memory.

"You know Jasper, you really are rather pretty."

Jasper's smile grew a little and the twinkle in his blue eyes was enough to make Bella smile in return as she shook her head at herself and the nights shenanigans.

"Why thank you Bella, you were rather a vision yourself."

Bella's eyebrows quirked up as she wondered if he was serious or teasing her about the previous was impossible to tell from his expression, but it was just as impossible not to react to his smile. He just felt easy to be around, comfortable somehow, like they'd known each other for years instead of just a few weeks.

_Now how is it that I'm a bajillion times more comfortable around Jasper than Edward, who grew up with me?_

As if he'd heard her thought, Edward turned from the flat-top stove with a skillet in one hand and a steaming cup of coffee in the other. He was wearing a plain white tee shirt and a pair of flannel pajama pants, and Bella immediately regretted coming down for breakfast.

_He looks like a model in a magazine ad for some sort of breakfast food. An incredibly sexy breakfast food, that makes the pulse race and warms the entire body from the inside out..._

_ Shut up Bella, and drink some damn coffee before you say or do something embarrassing from lack of sleep and general hungover-ness._

Attempting to smile quickly and move past him to the fridge, Bella was stopped when he sidestepped in front of her, placing the cup of coffee he held into her outstretched hand.

Bella's fingers closed around it and she mumbled a quiet thank you under her breath before turning to sit with Alice at the huge table.

"You're welcome Isabella. Or is it Lala Rina today?"

Bella resisted the urge to turn around and run out of the house, instead settling down next to Alice on the wide bench.

"It's Bella, Edward, you know she's hated being called Isabella like, forever. Also, it is way to early to antagonize, so shut up and bring me some pancakes."

Breakfast was quiet, and would have been tense if Bella hadn't been so focused on not looking up or chewing too loudly.

_I'm never drinking again. Even my own breathing sounds like someone hammering the inside of my skull._

Suddenly a glass appeared in front of Bella's vision, filled with something reddish and disgusting looking.

Risking setting off the drums in her head again, Bella looked up and saw Edward straddling the bench next to her. His knee brushed against her thigh as she shifted and his hand was entirely too close to hers on the table.

"What is that?"

"It's the best cure for a hangover that's ever been invented. Jasper and I came up with it in college and it hasn't failed either of us since."

Bella looked across the table at Jasper for confirmation and when he nodded solemnly she picked the glass up.

"That's great and all, but what _is _it? It looks... gross."

_And I sound like a teenager. 'Gross', really Bella?_

She could hear the mirth in Edward's voice as he answered her.

"I'll tell you after you drink it."

"I don't know, right now probably isn't the best time for my stomach to be trying anything new, much less... goopy."

_Goopy? Kill me now, if there is any good in this universe, strike me down before I open my fucking mouth again._

"Trust me Bella."

Edward's voice was directly in her ear, close enough that she could feel his breath against her neck, and she couldn't stop the quick tremor that ran through her. Instead of risking a response, Bella just nodded and picked up the glass, downing the contents before she could think about it.

A few seconds later she was spluttering and coughing, her eyes watering and her throat on fire.

"What the... Cullen! What is that shit? Ugh, it tastes like hot sauce with lemon juice and bitters and something slimy! God, I really think I might throw up now."

Edward laughed and stood up, moving to refill his coffee.

"You'll be fine Isabella, just sit down and relax for a minute."

"Oh, thanks tons _Edward. _You tell me to trust you and then you have me drink some freaky slimy fire drink? Really, two gold stars for you this morning."

"Oh I don't know _Bella_, I figure it couldn't be worse than say, a punch in the jaw?"

Bella hoped Alice and Jasper would think she was red from whatever had been in the glass and not from embarrassment. She'd told Alice about kissing and hitting Edward last night, and Alice had remained strangely silent on the subject, saying only that he deserved it and it was too bad she'd stopped after one.

"Alice, I've got to get into town, I told Billy I would pick some stuff up for him since he gave me the day off."

Alice pouted into her mug for a minute, then shrugged and said, "I'm going back to bed. I think I may still be drunk, but the room won't stay still long enough for me to find out."

Bella hugged her friend, and whispered into her ear, "Thank you Lisey Sparkles, I had a great time. Love you."

Alice smiled up at her like she'd just won the lottery and Bella figured the hangover and humiliation was worth it.

"Love you too Lala Rina. Come back by later if you want, I have a feeling we'll all be pretty lazy today."

Bella nodded and said goodbye to Jasper, waved in Edward's general direction, and stepped out into the bright morning sun.

She was two steps down the porch when she heard the screen door creaking, and stopped to see what Alice wanted.

It wasn't Alice, it was Edward, and if he'd looked hot as the domestic god in front of the stove, in the morning light he was scorching.

"What?"

"Do you think I could catch a ride into town with you when you go?"

_What? _

"Um, yeah, okay I guess."

Half of Edward's mouth quirked up in a grin and he nodded at her.

"That's a good look for you."

"What, Alice's old clothes?"

"Not Alice's. Mine."

Turning around, Edward went back into the house, leaving Bella gaping at his back as he disappeared into the house.

_Not Alice's. His._

Bella walked to her house feeling slightly stunned, unable to encompass everything going on inside her.

_Not only did I make a complete fool out of myself last night, I managed to do it again today. And now I have to spend time alone with him in the truck when we go to town. Wonder what kind of hole I can dig for myself in all that time?_

Sighing at her inability to be a normal human being, Bella tried to think about nothing at all as she walked up her own stairs. Despite her best efforts, a though crept in and burrowed deep down, swirling around and around her head.

_Edward thinks I have pretty eyes, and that his clothes look good on me._

She realized she was smelling the fabric on her shoulder, searching for some hint of him, and shook her head, irritated at herself.

_ It's going to be a really long day._

* * *

**A/N part deux:**

Thanks to my betas bookjunkie1975 and rameau. They take this chunk of coal and polish it into... well, if not quite a diamond, something shiny and semi-precious, to me at least. :)

Three cheers for awesome girlfriends. I live for girls night, no lie. This chapter was major fun to write.

Before this chapter was touched by beta magic, there were another two pages focused on what exactly Bella and Alice did during their night of shenanigans. It's a fun read, and a little glimpse further into their bond and past. And the frozen peach drinkies, which are real and my own secret and I lurve them. So if that sounds like something you'd be interested in reading, let me know in a review and I'll post it here as an outtake.

Music from this chapter:

Yiruma-River Runs Through You (Bella's sleepytime music through the window)

Garth Brooks-Ain't Going Down Til The Sun Comes Up (Bella's morning singalong with Harry)

Deee-Lite-What Is Love? (Lala's 'How do you say de-gorgeous' song)


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own it, Stephenie Meyer does.

Chapter 9

When Edward was seventeen he began to notice a certain trend in the halls of his high school. When he fell in love with a vintage Dawn of the Dead tee Alice found at a yard sale, he wore it at least once a week. His classmates seemed to develop similar tastes in second-hand tee-shirts shortly thereafter. When he'd forgotten to get his hair cut during the three month summer break, he'd gone back to school with a tawny, sunstreaked mop of disarray on his head. He'd quickly realized the frequent looks members of the fairer sex shot his way, so he'd left it long. His male classmates had attempted his unkempt look, ending up looking more like shaggy street kids than rugged models.

He'd known for a few years that his classmates put him in the popular group. But this was more than that. They didn't just want to be his friend; they wanted to be him.

He wasn't all that surprised when his little sister started keeping his too-small castoff clothes for herself when she was fifteen. It made complete sense in his seventeen year old mind that she would want to be like him; everyone else did, of course she would too.

Surprise wasn't the word for what he felt when he saw Bella in his threadbare high school track tee shirt and a pair of his old jeans, too big and loose on her small frame, frayed at the ankles and hanging on to her hips with a wish and a prayer.

The words he would normally use, like _sexy_, _hot as hell_, or just _fuck, _seemed all wrong; like the jeans, they didn't quite fit Bella.

_Not that it wasn't all of those things because I swear my dick would detach itself and chase her down if it were physically possible..._

His mind kept settling on _sweet_, which was laughable considering the iron rod in his pants and the total lack of sweetness involved in his plans for Bella in his jeans.

_ Or rather, out of his jeans, both the ones she wore and the ones he wore, her hair spilling over her shoulders as his name was spilling over her lips and onto his..._

_ Fucking hell, enough with the hormone filled daydreams. I'm going to have blue balls for the rest of my life at this rate._

When she'd stood on the porch steps, her eyes comically wide and her mouth open in shock, his old jeans sliding perilously down her left hip, he'd wanted to feel her; her entire body pressed against his, her hands on his skin the way they had been behind the barn last week. The urge was so strong that for a moment Edward thought he was just going to do it, consequences be damned.

Instead, he lit a cigarette, an indulgence he tried to avoid since Esme loathed it. Leaning against the side porch rail, he studiously avoiding looking in Bella's direction. He watched pristine clouds chase each other across the vast blue above him and knew the weather was going to be another perfect June day.

_Scorching, sultry, and perfect. _

_ Like Bella._

Edward shook his head as he stabbed his cigarette out in the ashtray Carlisle used for his pipes. Lately, he'd been having a strange double train of thought. One was the same train he'd always had, rolling around endlessly in his head as long as he could remember; the other was reserved solely for Bella. She was the conductor, the only passenger, and the ticket taker on the second train. First his own thought would echo in his mind, followed immediately by another thought he seemed to have no control over. Only and always where Bella was concerned. It was irritating, to say the least, but he hadn't figured out how to derail the Bella-train yet, so he tried to ignore it as much as possible.

_Ignore it, just to be run over by it out of nowhere._

Walking back into the house, Edward headed straight for the coffee pot. If smoking was something he treated himself to rarely, coffee was his daily life support. Filling his mug and taking a long drink, he savored the scalding heat on his tongue. It made it easier to focus on something other than Bella. He felt the tension in his shoulders as he tried to shake the sight of Bella in his clothes from his mind and consciously relaxed them muscle by muscle. When he felt at least marginally in control again he noticed that the atmosphere in the kitchen seemed different, like the pressure had changed slightly in the time he'd been gone. Leaning against the counter with his coffee in one hand, he ran his other hand absently through his hair and watched Alice and Jasper. Alice was filling in the crossword puzzle in the morning paper as she finished her pancakes, reading clues out loud as she went. Occasionally, Jasper would toss out answers between sips of orange juice and scanning the funny pages.

_Nothing different than any other day off from the ranch._

_There's nothing different except that Bella isn't here any more._

Edward realized he was staring at the empty space at the table where Bella had sat, and pushed off the counter in a sudden burst of restlessness. Turning to look out the window above the sink, he noticed the frown in his reflection and quickly forced it away. Satisfied that he no longer looked like a puppy who'd just been kicked, he looked past himself into the yard and the distant mountains beyond.

It was ridiculous and irritating that he would notice her presence and the lack of it before anything else. She would pop up in the middle of his day at the worst times, her eyes soft and beguiling as she smiled at him from inside a memory, and then he'd find five minutes had passed and Jasper would be giving him a smug grin. Edward knew better than to respond in any way to Jasper's smile, and Jasper never said anything. Just seeing that toothy alligator look on his face was enough to have Edward swearing he would stop thinking about her. It was really starting to piss him off... and intrigue him. Which in turn pissed him off more because what the hell had changed?

He'd gone his whole life without seeing Bella as anything sexual, even during his hornier-than-scientifically-possible years, where pretty much anything vaguely resembling any part of the female anatomy he'd seen (or imagined) had resulted in an instant hard on. She'd always been there, mostly silent and watching anything but him with her down-turned eyes. She was like a part of the wallpaper on nearly every memory of his time before Arizona. She'd been there but not there, and that had been great, but now she was _there,_ all the time, and it made Edward want to pull his hair out in frustration.

_What's changed? Why is she always in my damn head and what am I supposed to do to make it go away? And while I'm asking questions I have no answers to, what right does she have to change whatever she changed and screw everything up? I just wanted to come home and feel... calm, peaceful, relaxed. I want to have everything I thought I'd never have again, and then there's fucking Bella, with her what-the-fuck-ever-is-different and sharp attitude and soft skin_ _and there's not a single moment of calm or peaceful, and relaxed might be gone for all eternity, at least below my belt._

A quick flash of memory closed his eyes, and he saw his hand in Bella's again, the quiet understanding on her face and the simple peace that seemed to surround her. He felt her sun-warmed skin and the infinitesimal loosening in him that finally let the calm he'd been waiting for seep in.

_So she takes away any chance I have at peace and calm. Unless she's the one giving it to me._

Opening his eyes again he felt almost surprised to find himself still standing at the kitchen sink, looking out at his family's land through the window and not seeing any of it.

_ Way too early to be thinking deep thoughts. Back to putting the black hat on Bella._

He didn't have any answers. Making Bella the root of his problems was so much easier than actually letting everything sink in far enough to make sense. He knew he was being a little ridiculous blaming everything on Bella, but he didn't know how much more he could take before he completely lost control of himself. The thought of using her for a fast and furious fuck to get it out of his system made him nauseous, even as he felt a quick jump in his pulse.

_ Not gonna happen so don't even start getting excited. Bella is practically family. She'd get hurt and Mom and Dad would probably have me dismembered. After Alice and Emmett finished roasting me alive in boiling tar._

_ I don't want to hurt her._

There was that second thought again, rising unbidden in his head.

_Damn it. I really don't want to hurt her. She's already been through so much._

"Edward?"

Alice's voice penetrated his thoughts and he felt the urge to hug her in thanks. It really was too early to be thinking about anything more than breakfast and the fact that the entire day was open before him.

_An entire day spent with Bella, also known in certain parts of my mind as She-Who-Won't-Be-Thought-Of, and in other parts as She-Of-The-Perfect-Mouth-And-Perfect-Skin-And-Hell-It's-All-Perfect. What the hell is wrong with me? And when did I become such a masochist?_

"Edward, are you okay? You look like you're beating yourself up about something over there."

Edward snorted and shook his head, walking over to steal a bite of her pancakes.

"And what would I have to beat myself up over? I'm not the one who drank too much last night and sang off-key retro pop loud enough to scare the horses."

"Ha. You are truly a master at the art of hilarity." Her tone made it crystal clear she found absolutely nothing funny about his statement, and Edward couldn't resist smirking at her disgruntled morning after appearance as she continued, "Now shut up and tell me you didn't just walk Bella to the door so you could make more smartass comments, because so help me Edward..."

Pausing with the fork raised halfway to his mouth, Edward attempted an innocent expression.

"Alice, of _course_ I didn't. I asked if I could ride into town with her, that's all."

Alice's frown didn't relax and Edward knew she was debating on whether or not he was lying. Rolling his eyes, Edward stuffed the last piece of pancake in his mouth and stole a sip of her juice to wash them down before he continued.

"What do you think she's going to town for Alice?" Edward put just enough patronization into his tone to make his sister sit up straighter and narrow her eyes at him. Being a diminutive girl, with tiny little bird bones, often gave people the impression she was a child. Even those who knew how old she was were occasionally unable to resist speaking to her like she was much younger. It was one of the things that could truly set off her anger. When Alice was irritated she dealt with it, but when she was actually upset by something, she turned into a force of nature, complete with keening sirens and flying debris.

"I assume she's going to get feed and supplies for the ranch, _Edward._"

Alice was getting pissed off, and that was exactly what he wanted. She'd have to be distracted for him to get away with the lie he was building. Jasper was looking down at his plate, completely disinterested in the escalating tension between the two siblings before him. At least he appeared that way; when he caught Edward's eye quickly, before looking back down he dropped a slow wink and let the barest hint of a smile show. Edward knew Jasper was completely aware of the situation and was enjoying himself enough to offer help if he had the chance.

_Best fucking friend ever man, I owe you one._

"And she'll have to load all of that into her truck. By herself."

"Yes, but Edward..."

"Those bales of hay weigh between sixty and one hundred pounds each Alice."

_C'mon Alice, just because it's a lie in intent doesn't make it not true in reality._

"And you know better than anyone if I'd just outright offered her help she'd likely punch me before she'd accept."

"You'd likely deserve it, _Eddie._"

She knew he hated it when she called him that, it had been her favorite trick since they were kids, and he figured he could afford to give her the satisfaction of an eyeroll from him in return for the barb. Because he could also see that she was mostly buying his story.

_I think._

"Whatever Alice, I'm just saying. The girl needs help, and the only way she'll take it is if she doesn't know she's getting it. So I'm going to ride with her, pick up some stuff while I'm in town, and help her load and unload it. So how 'bout getting off my case now, sis?"

_That was actually pretty good for an on-the-fly-lie. She bought it too, I can see the lines smoothing out into belief._

Alice's face relaxed, then her mouth turned up in a way that usually meant trouble.

_Uh oh._

"Edward, the fact that you're actually a pretty altruistic person makes your lie that much worse. And that was a truly pathetic attempt, by the way. I'd expect better from you than that cobbled together excuse you just fed me, but... But I'm going to let it _lie, _so to speak, and here's why."

Alice pushed the bench back and stood up in front of him, her hands resting on her hips, the top of her head only reaching midway up his chest doing nothing to diminish the stern expression on her face.

"I don't think you really have any idea why you want to spend the day with her, and I'm going to enjoy watching you struggle with something for once in your life."

Edward looked down at her and smirked, rolling his eyes again as he turned away, but something in him felt off-balanced, unsure. He stumbled a little, cursing under his breath. Alice was being cryptic, which was never a good sign, and she was pretty close to being right, which was an even worse sign.

Sighing as he walked up the stairs, Edward decided to relax and enjoy his day off. Even if it was a complete bust...

..._and what exactly qualifies as a complete bust here? That would imply a plan of action with a desired result, and all I want..._

...He'd still be spending the day with Bella.

_...is to spend the day with Bella._

Bella wasn't thinking about spending the day with Edward while she showered. She wasn't thinking about it as she got dressed, or when she spoke to Harry about the daily farm details. She was definitely not thinking about Edward sitting next to her during the long ride to town as she drove the short distance to the Cullens. She honked the horn and waited without drumming her fingers or shaking her foot, still not thinking about how painfully awkward she was going to feel spending hours with Edward.

When the object of her non-thoughts stepped out onto the front porch, looking more gorgeous than any man had any right to in jeans and a simple gray tee shirt, Bella stopped thinking about anything.

A barely-there breeze blew across the land, heavy with the scent of alfalfa and horses, and pulled one piece of errant hair across Edward's forehead. As he raised his hand to brush it back impatiently, his shirt lifted an inch or two above the waist of his jeans, exposing skin and a sprinkling of hair. Bella's mouth went dry and her eyes devoured the slice of skin before it was covered again and Edward was walking towards her.

_Okay, I'm hungover as hell and I'm allowed a minor slip into fantasy land. Now I'm going to put on my happy face and get this over with so I can go home and curl up in bed until I die or this headache goes away._

"Morning Miz Swan," Edward greeted her with a smile as he slid his long frame into her truck.

"Don't give me that Gentleman Cowboy routine, Cullen. I know better than to believe it for a second." Bella's voice came out sharper than she'd intended. Edward just kept grinning and dropped a lazy wink at her before turning to look out the open window.

_ I'm off to a great start. First I ogle, then I bitch. And now I'm going to ogle again. Damn it._

It was impossible not to sneak glances at him as they left the driveway and headed down the road to town. He'd forgone shaving that morning and the barest shadow covered his jaw and chin. Bella couldn't remember seeing any kind of facial hair on Edward, but judging from the way that shadow made him look he could pull it off well. He always looked like a man-god, but the slight scruff added something mysterious, slightly dangerous, and incredibly sexy.

_Top that off with the fact that the wind has blown his hair all over the place, and the way that stupid tee shirt fits him and... okay, I could go on forever with this, but it's just wrong that he can look so insanely good sitting in the world's most battered truck. _

The truck rumbled along the road, the silence seeming heavier and heavier to Bella with each passing second. After an intense moment of internal debate over starting a conversation or turning on the radio, Bella quickly jammed the knob on and turned the volume up.

Over the constant crackle of her ancient speakers, Bella recognized a familiar tune and left the dial there, humming along with the lyrics as she drove.

_You were always brilliant in the morning_

_ Smoking your cigarette _

_ And talking over coffee_

Then it sunk in that she was humming along to one of the most supremely embarrassing songs she could hear in that moment, and she slammed her hand over the dial, quickly searching out an oldie's rock station with Neil Young yelling about rocking in the free world, which seemed safe enough. Bella could feel the blush creeping across her chest and up her neck and begged silently that Edward hadn't been paying attention.

"Didn't you girls sing that other one last night?"

Edward's voice sounded much too casual to Bella, and she fidgeted on the seat before answering, "Um, yeah. Maybe. Probably."

_Of course we sang Jewel. There is nothing like relieving the guilty music pleasures of your teenage years with your girlfriend. Or even the next morning, with the guy you sang it to when no one could hear you sitting two feet away and looking like sex on a silver platter._

_ Fuck my life today._

"You don't remember?"

The surprise in Edward's voice stung Bella's pride, and she gathered herself in as she answered defensively, "I remember plenty, thank you."

_Plenty enough to be completely humiliated. _

When silence filled the space between them again, Bella let it. She watched the fields roll past them, the speed of their passing turning the wide spaces into flashes of color, golds and greens and bronzes in patches like a giant quilt across the land. The sky above them was an ocean today, pale blue in the morning light without a trace of white as far as she could see. The view affected her like it always did, soothing something deeper than she herself could consciously reach, calming her down piece by piece.

"So, did you ever decide?"

Edward's voice broke into the silence easily, sounding like an extension of the scenery instead of an interruption of what she was seeing.

"Decide what?"

"What color my eyes are?"

Bella's easy smile faded, and she gave him one hard glance before looking back at the road, her grip tightening on the steering wheel, whitening her knuckles.

_That doesn't even get a response Cullen, you asshole. Did I really say that out loud last night? I'm never ever ever drinking again. Ever._

"Maybe they're the color of the sky in heaven."

Bella's face went from rose to magenta, and her hands ached from their death-grip on the steering wheel. The truck started to whine and shake on its frame as she pushed it to the outer limits of its speed; a whopping fifty miles an hour. From nowhere, she felt a laugh boiling up. She tried to cover it with a cough and shake her hair over her face.

_Great protection there, the infamous 'Curtain of Hair', made famous by ninjas from the Far East. Still, it's better than him thinking I'm laughing at him and his stupid smirky comment instead of my own complete idiocy. I can't __**believe**__ I said that last night, that's got to top the list of..._

Edward's finger brushing her hair back behind her ear broke her train of thought violently, causing her to jerk away, wide-eyed and suddenly angry.

"Don't!" Bella took a deep breath and continued, "Don't. Touch me."

Edward pulled his hand back, watching her silently, his expression unreadable.

"I'm... I'm mad at you still. So don't think you can just... touch me! Because you can't!"

Bella didn't know where the wave of anger she was riding on had come from, but it was quickly drowning any attempt she made to calm down. She watched the road in front of them, rolling under the tires as they got closer to town.

_Just let me get to town, just let me get to town._

Repeating her mantra like some sort of yogi chanting, Bella knew it was useless even as she tried to find some secret reserve of the cool distance she always relied on. Something huge was exploding inside her, and she could feel it boiling out of her mind, nearly out of her pores.

"And just why is that you're mad at me, Isabella?"

Her mental chants and bone crushing grip on the wheel were zero defense against Edward's voice, full of assurance, and swagger and... _Edward._

She shook her head curtly, letting her hair fall over her face again, and begged to whoever might be listening that Edward would shut up before she lost the last bit of control she had.

"C'mon Bella. Considering you've already punched me, I would assume..."

Bella slammed both feet on the brake pedal and the screeching wail of the truck cut off the rest of Edward's statement. The entire ancient truck was shuddering and groaning as it finally came to a halt, the front end on the shoulder and the tail end halfway in the road.

Bella didn't care. She was eternities past caring as she turned to face him, her eyes blazing and her hand going up in the air.

"That's just _it_ Edward! You _assume_! You _assume_ it's okay to drag me away from my work to go waste time on a walk, a fucking _walk_ of all things! You _assume_ it's perfect alright to be cocky and abrupt one second and all friendly and helpful and Mr. I-Give-A-Fuck the next!"

She spit out the adjectives like they tasted terrible, noticing from a distance that she was vibrating in her rage, every muscle in her tense and quivering on the edge of exploding.

_Deep breath Bella, this is the important part._

Doing just that, she mentally willed her body to relax, her voice to quiet. When she spoke again, it was in the overly-calm voice of one trying their hardest not to scream as loud as humanly possible.

"You assume it's okay to kiss me, that I have no problem falling in line with the rest of your fucking slutty groupies, that I'm totally okay just kissing people for the hell of it and not because it means something. Well you assume too fucking much, Cullen."

Edward had been watching her tirade with an expression of amused patience, the occasional widening of his eyes the only reaction she'd seen. It was driving her crazy. She'd said the last halfway hoping he would finally get upset, would yell back at her so they could have a great big rousing fight. Instead, he just sat there, maybe two feet away, and the slightest frown crept over his face.

_Probably pissed I'm cutting into so much of his free time. Well guess what Cullen? You better settle in and get comfortable, because I'm not done yet._

Leaning over until her nose was no more than two inches from his, she stared into his eyes, trying to put every ounce of her rage and frustration into her gaze.

"Let's just get this straightened up right now. I am not Jessica Stanley. I am not Lauren Mallory. I have fucking self-respect, and I will _not_ swoon at your feet because you smile pretty at me. And when I _let _someone kiss me, it's because I want it, not because some angel face asshole wants to waste some time before getting back to his charmed life, or test out the waters of the one non-family mouth in the ENTIRE GOD DAMN STATE of Montana he hasn't kissed yet!"

_So much for calm I guess._

Sitting back a few inches, enough to see his entire face, Bella held her breath in anticipation and fear. He was going to yell at her, there was no way anyone, even Edward, could be that calm. She could see the mad spreading across his features, tightening the muscles in his forearms as he clenched his fists...

_No, actually I can't, because he's just sitting there staring at me like a poleaxed ox. Maybe he's actually a robot with no human emotions... that would actually explain a lot._

Edward shook his head slightly to one side, his eyes never leaving hers, then leaning forward enough to put the same two inches between them Bella had.

_What the hell? He's either going to yell in my face or maybe he's going to..._

_ Kiss me_ was how Bella had planned on finishing her thought but Edward's voice finally decided to work.

"Is that why you think I kissed you?"

Bella was speechless. She continued looking into his eyes and realized from the same far away place that there were flecks of darker jade around his pupils. Then he blinked and the spell was broken. Bella leaned back into her seat and tried to make sense of his words.

_I spend ten minutes on a tirade of complete and utter rage and that's his only response? The robot thing is making more sense by the second._

Edward continued looking at her and the first feelings of embarrassment were creeping over her as he finally looked away and relaxed back against the seat. Pulling the seat belt carefully over her chest, the click of the latch catching sounding unnaturally loud in the sudden heavy silence, Bella squeezed her eyes shut tightly once then opened them.

She wanted to say his name, to apologize for yelling at him and driving like a maniac, but she couldn't. Even if she hadn't been paralyzed with shame, she couldn't have apologized; she had meant every word of it.

_I just didn't mean to say it with quite so much gusto_, she thought, and barely caught a laugh before it came out.

_Always laughing at the wrong moment. Not like it can hurt, I just did everything but accuse him of incest, which is really really gross. Maybe he's in some sort of shock from all the jolting and yelling._

Checking both mirrors carefully, and silently thanking God for not letting anyone else drive past during her fit (_all I need is for gossip to start up in town about how I'm not only an idiot but a crazy one at that_), Bella eased back onto the blacktop and slowly picked up speed. The truck let one fan belt wail a long, grating note, then settled back into it's normal hums and jolts as Bella picked up speed.

_Thank you, Aunt Beast, for not dying on me. I'm sorry I drove you like a that, I promise never to do it again... if you can last at least another year, I swear I will take perfect care of you._

"Did you just call me _Aunt Beast_?"

Edward's voice was incredulous, and Bella knew if she turned her head he'd be looking at her strangely.

_The talking out loud in my head thing has got to stop. Right now._

"No, it's... it's what I call the truck. It's from a book I read when I was a kid, A..."

Edward's voice cut her off before she could finish, sharper than she'd ever heard it.

"Yeah, A Wrinkle in Time. Despite what you think of me, I'm not a complete and total idiot. And I'm pretty sure Mrs. George has been making her fourth graders read that book for longer than either of us has been alive."

_Just when I know he can't be any more confusing... he is._

Bella chanced a quick glance at Edward, and even that was long enough to see that he wasn't in the mood to talk. He was staring in front of him, his hands in his lap now, the thumb of his left hand sliding back and forth across his knuckles.

_He doesn't look all that pissed off though; he looks more... contemplative? Like he's seriously thinking over everything I said. Why am I not more thrilled about his sudden attention to me?_

The ride continued in silence, the radio playing songs neither of them paid attention to. Bella wondered what he meant, why he'd asked that question and no more.

_Why do I think he kissed me? Well, I think I just shouted my reasons why loud enough for all of Montana to hear. But why did he ask like that? Did he kiss for a reason? A real reason, not boredom or any of that? Fuck, here I go again._

Thinking about Edward led to being pissed of at him for being in her head in the first place, so Bella attempted to ignore the fact that he was right next to her and would continue to be for at least another ten minutes before they got to town. She was hoping he would go and do his errands and leave her alone to do hers. She needed time away from him.

_Time to breathe. I just need time to breathe and then I'll just apologize for yelling and he'll make some smartass remark and smirk like he does and that will be it. We'll go back to... What, exactly? I'll be invisible and he'll be a god? Or I'll make a fool out of myself in front of him and he'll be flirty and confident and just generally irritating? _

Bella spent a moment trying to classify what kind of relationship they'd had since he'd moved back home, and found herself at a loss.

_We haven't had any sort of relationship. It's just been me being, well, clumsy, crazy, humiliating me. And him being too good looking for his own good and knowing exactly what to do with that. _

And it was true; they were each who they were, despite the apparently never-ending crush Bella had for Edward. Aside from that fact, (_which he is thankfully unaware of... right?_), they'd simply been themselves.

_Does that make us friends? No, friends enjoy each other's company. While he may enjoy watching me fall on my ass or sing drunk and badly, I don't think that's exactly how it works. Why did I think 'relationship' anyways? Oh, right... because of all those moments I felt like I was sexually wired to a nuclear power plant when he was touching me... or kissing me..._

_ So we are magnets, polar opposites who are never going to be able to get within more than a few feet of each other without me doing something to humiliate myself and him being smirky and sexy._

_ Fuck. This day is just full of happy realizations. At least now I know, now I can just stay away from him and move on and this everlasting _thing _I feel will eventually just curl up and die. Awesome._

Bella pulled into the outskirts of town deep in her thoughts. When they reached 'downtown', an area about one square mile that housed most of the stores in town, she pulled in front of the feed store feeling determined.

_I'm going to apologize, he'll smirk, we'll get what we need to get and go back to the ranch. I can hold a civil conversation for that long. I can do it, because I'll have forgotten all about those stupid moments I imagined and my anger has been sufficiently vented for the kiss he hijacked, so I'll forget it too. We'll be... neighbors. We'll be neighbors._

Bella imagined a brief funeral march playing in her mind, and rolled her shoulders back a bit.

_Nothing has died because there's nothing there to begin with. Just because being neighbors with Edward Cullen is possibly the fifth level of my personal hell doesn't mean I can't handle it. I can be a neighbor._

She didn't feel better really, but having a purpose always helped, so when she turned the truck off, (one last rumble giving way to a whirring buzz finally quieting signifying it's actual final shut off), she turned to Edward and prepared to say her piece.

The words died in her mouth. He was looking at her, his eyes squinted slightly against the sun's reflection, his mouth almost frowning but not quite making it.

_Like he's seeing something for the first time and trying to classify it somewhere. Like he's seeing... me._

Bella's heart started flying but she adamantly ignored it (_Oh god, how am I supposed to ignore the way he's looking at me when it's making me crazy)_ and opened her mouth again to finally speak.

"Bella, don't... don't say you're sorry. Please."

"Edward, I'm sor... wait, what?"

"Don't say it, you won't mean it and we both know it. And you shouldn't mean it, because you were... look, I want to..."

_I'm in an alternate universe. That's what's going on, that's why he's saying these crazy words, and stuttering them at that. Has Edward ever stuttered before in his life?_

Edward sighed and pulled one hand through his hair before resting it on the dashboard and turning to face her completely.

"I want to apologize to you, but not... not here. I have to tell you... and I want you to listen. Because I think it's important, but I need you to... You have to understand. Please."

_Please. Twice. Okay, I got that much, but what was the rest of that? He wants to apologize, which is great. And weird. But he doesn't want to do it here... in town? In the truck? Okay, pass that one. He has to tell me something and he wants me to listen because it's important, and he needs me to understand._

_ Holy fuck, Edward is gay. He's going to tell me that he's gay and he was trying to prove he's not and that's why he kissed me and... okay, maybe not. But I feel like I need a drink, and I just swore not three hours ago that I was never drinking again. Where Edward goes, confusion reigns. He should have that tattooed on his forehead as fair warning._

"Okay, I guess... so, since no one is apologizing right now, why don't we get out of the truck before we're roasted alive. The town couldn't handle that much excitement this early in the year."

To Bella's complete surprise, Edward tilted his head back and laughed, loud and long. It was a beautiful sound, but not because it was Edward and everything about him was beautiful.

_It's like hearing a child laugh; free and completely unweighed down by life. One of those sounds that you never get tired of hearing._

Bella waited calmly (_because there's just no room for me to feel anything but calm right now, and the certainty that I'm going to wake up any minute_) and after a few moments Edward stopped laughing and got out of the truck. He walked around to her door and opened it, waiting for her to step out before slamming it shut again.

"I'll meet you back here in two hours. Will that give you enough time to get what you need?"

Bella was on autopilot, overwhelmed and completely baffled by the entire day.

"Yeah, that'll be plenty of time."

With a last quick grin Edward was turning and striding down the wide sidewalk, waving to people who called out hellos, the way they will in a small town.

_This has undoubtedly been the strangest day of my life. If I hadn't had such spectacular results last night I would get completely drunk tonight. _

Pulling herself from her head, Bella walked into the feed and supply store, the bells tinkling over the door as she went through.

"Hey Joe, I've got a long list today..."

As Edward walked down the street, people from nearby ranches called out to him, a few stopping to chat for a few moments. They asked about his parents, about the ranch, his thoughts on the weather. Edward gave them all a friendly smile and a few minutes of his time before walking on to his destination.

He waved to Sally Amerson in front of the beauty salon across the street and asked about her newest yearling. He didn't notice Jessica Stanley's frost-and foil-covered head behind the broad glass window. She watched his progress like a hawk and glanced at her watch before rushing back to her chair, yelling for someone to hurry up and finish her hair.

When Edward stopped to speak to Mrs. West and her youngest son in front of Red's Tack and Supplies, he didn't see Lauren Mallory just inside the store, or the way she stepped back to listen to his conversation.

"How's the star quarter back doing?"

Mrs. West's youngest, a gangly seventeen year old with the unfortunate name of Therrill, shuffled his feet and looked abashed at Edward's praise. Mrs. West had no such emotion.

"He's doing exceedingly well on the field, it's off the field and in the classroom that we're worried about. When school starts back in September he's going to work _very very hard _on his grades, isn't that right Therrill?"

The boy, who towered a good four inches over Edward, shuffled some more and mumbled something to his canoe-sized feet. Edward remembered being awkward and uncomfortable at that age and took pity on him.

"I'm sure he'll do a fine job, especially with you to help him out Mrs. West. It's a shame the high school lost you teaching Algebra, it always was my favorite class."

He and Mrs. West both knew he was lying, he had despised Algebra with a passion and as a result did the work as fast as possible just to be done with it. Mrs. West had seen the potential and nagged him constantly to put more effort into it, why get a B when you could get an A was her thinking. Edward had only been thinking about the backseat of some senior girls car, a girl whose name and face escaped him now.

_Because everything in my mind right now is Bella. Bella's face, Bella's voice, Bella Bella Bella. Beautiful._

"That's very sweet of you Edward, thank you. How are Esme and Carlisle doing? I do so look forward to seeing them at the garden party."

"Oh they're busy as ever, you know them. I'll tell them you said hello."

Mrs. West was always dry as a bone when she taught, but there was nothing less than sharp about her mind.

"In a hurry to get somewhere Edward?"

Edward smiled at her, knowing exactly what she was thinking he was hurrying off for and looking forward to shocking the hell out of her.

"Actually, yes. I rode in with Bella and I've got a lot to do before we head back to the ranches."

"Isabella Swan? Charlie and Renee's girl? She was always such a bright girl, it's such a shame..."

Mrs. West trailed off and reached for a crumpled tissue sticking out of her pocket. The errant thought of _why do old people always seem to carry an abundance of crumpled tissues in their pockets?_passed through his mind before she went on.

"Really, just such a shame about her parents. And now she's losing her ranch too, and her too stubborn to realize it. A pretty little thing, but not cut out for bringing that place back to life."

Fire cracked out of Edward's spine, and he felt the sudden urge to yell at the old woman in front of him.

_Just take a deep breath and relax. She's just spouting off town gossip._

"Actually, she's doing a damn good job of it, and all on her own. If you'll excuse me Mrs. West, Therrill, I really have to run. Bella and I have some important plans to keep once we finish up here. I'll tell my parents you said hello."

With no more than a cursory smile in their direction, Edward turned and strode off, no longer smiling or aware of the people waving to him.

He had no idea that Lauren was following behind him, or that Jessica was racing out of the hair salon with hair like a drowned rat and in his direction. Both of them watched him from the distance, curious where he was going once he reached the end of Main Street. There were other shops in the town, most of them just off of Main Street, but there were few that ranchers would generally go to.

When he turned onto Second Street, and walked into the book store, Lauren stood for a moment, a speculative look on her face. Looking across the street she saw Jessica and smiled. It wasn't a very pleasant smile, and it never reached her eyes.

* * *

**A/N: Big ups to bookjunkie1975 for being purely awesome. And to rameau for being a wonderful (and patient) teacher. Mistakes are mine, genius is theirs. **

**The song (if there's actually a single soul who didn't recognize it) was Foolish Games by Jewel. One of my personal guilty pleasures when I'm driving by myself. Along with pretty much anything from the 80's.  
**

**I haven't started reading any new fics in a long while, wanna tell me the best one you're reading right now so I can too ? :)**

**I have started a new fic, a short Jasper/Bella pairing. There's summer, and strawberries, and sweet tea. The south at it's finest, yes? Author Alert me if you want to read it, the first two chapters are with pre-readers now and will post once I have it back again.**

**Thanks for reading 3  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **I fiddled, a lot, once I got this back from my betas, so any mistakes are wholly mine. They rock. Also, ffn has screwed the formatting all to hell, and I'm not wasting another hour trying to fix it. Sorry.

* * *

**Where we left off:** Alice got Bella drunk and they sang fabulously mushy girl songs all night. Bella woke up and felt like three day old horse shit. Spending the morning in town with Edward wasn't helping with the feeling better thing. Finding out the clothes Alice lent her were his hand-me-downs definitely made the nausea worse. But in a good way? Edward rather enjoyed the sight. The ride to town was fun for all involved; Bella flipped her shit and told Edward exactly why he got a right hook for kissing her. Edward decided to be smart and go with it. He even said he was sorry... no, he almost did, but wigged about being in her truck? He's weird, Bella's sure about that if nothing else, but he's pretty too, so she's let that pass. For the moment. She's really just too hungover to deal with His Evil Gorgeousness right now. Thankfully, he headed off to the bookstore once they reached town and Bella was given a brief respite from his intense presence. And those damn eyes (the 'exact color of the sky in heaven' anyone?). Who doesn't love a good drunken revelation that comes back to bite you in the ass, repeatedly?

**CHAPTER 10**

Edward stepped through the door of the bookstore and back into the bright afternoon sun. He stood there a moment, blinking against the sharp light, letting his eyes acclimate again. He'd spent the better part of two hours in Took's Books, though it seemed more like months. Or perhaps no time at all; bookstores always left him with a wonderfully disoriented feeling. Stepping into one was like entering another world, a thousand other worlds, where time was a flexible thing. He loved losing himself in the stacks, surrounded by the smell of paper and binding glue. It was a rich smell, slightly dusty and oddly comforting. Whatever troubles hounded him in the outside world were unable to follow him into a good book. It was an escape he'd always loved; one he'd counted on to keep him sane during his time in the desert.

While it had kept him from losing his mind then, it hadn't kept a single thought away while he was in Took's. He'd skimmed titles, flipped pages, picked up copies to buy, and thought about her. Thought about what the hell was going on with him thinking about her all the time. Wondering why it was so important to him that she believe he was truly sorry for kissing her. Hiding behind the lie, because he wasn't a bit sorry for kissing her, just for making her think she was less than. And wrapped through all of it, the slightest bit of shame and embarrassment in knowing she was completely right to see it the way she did. She wasn't just a quick fuck, someone to alleviate the boredom and nightmares of his days and nights. Remembering how she'd gotten in his face, her own red and furious, and put him in his place, made him chuckle. She was hiding quite a bit under that quiet exterior, it seemed.

_She's going to need every ounce of whatever she's hiding to get through this._

The words old Mrs. West had said ran on a loop through his mind, randomly interspersed with images of Bella. Bella, tired and worn down from trying to stay on top of all the work, _not cut out for... _Bella's shoulders tense and straight under the weight of her problems, _too stubborn... _Her eyes too ancient for her age,_ such a shame..._ The immensity of what she was trying to accomplish, all on her own, was enough to make his own heart lean towards pity.

_And if Bella had the slightest clue I even _thought_ about her and pity at the same time, she'd likely try to land another one on my jaw._

She didn't need anyone's pity, much less his. His thoughts had run from the sad hopelessness of her situation to the sheer strength of will she had. Not many would have picked up the pieces and poured themselves into sticking them back together, not with other, easier alternatives just waiting to be taken. Tough wasn't even close- she was absolutely incredible.

He hadn't noticed Old Took, current owner of the family's bookstore, watching him from behind the desk, smiling as he watched Edward's grin come and go. Edward didn't know he was grinning; he was thinking about Bella again. The way she held her back straight no matter what people said, how she'd tell Rosalie about finishing some task or another at the ranch, damn near falling down with exhaustion and still smiling like a sunrise.

"Hello there, young mister Cullen. What treasures have you discovered this fine day?"

Took had been one of Edward's favorite people as a child. He was oddly formal for a small town inhabitant, and the cadence of his words seemed out of place in the world Edward lived in. People were more likely to call him Eddie, which he hated, than 'young mister Cullen'. Those things, and the name Took, had given Edward many thoughtful hours. Obviously Took was a hobbit, misplaced in a tiny Montana bookstore by some higher power. Maybe even Gandolf himself. It had taken a much younger Edward all of three months to work up the nerve to ask if Took could send him to the Shire somehow. Took had merely given him a look from beneath his bushy brows, and the barest beginning of a smile; it was enough for Edward to believe in his magic.

"A little bit of everything, I think."

Edward smiled as Took thumbed through his selections, murmuring quietly under his breath. Figuring out who each book was for was part of his magic.

"Hmm, this is Alice, and she'll certainly be thrilled. As will your mother when she sees this, and oh! You really are a bit too smart for your own good, aren't you my boy? Miss Hale will be quite happy with this one."

Edward nodded in silent agreement as Took continued his perusal.

"And this has Emmett written all over it. Why, I remember when he would come in every Saturday, searching for the newest ones." His words trailed off into a low chuckle and Edward couldn't help but smirk; he was rather proud of the book he'd found Emmett.

"Mmm, this will be Carlisle, no doubt, and that new ranch hand you brought back with you certainly seems the type for this one. What was his name again? Oh yes, Jasper. Rather old-fashioned name, that one. Fitting, yes?"

Took rambled on, more to himself than Edward, but his thick, gnarled fingers were steady as he tapped the buttons of the ancient register. When he reached the last one, he paused with his eyes squinted, half-moon glasses sliding down his nose a bit. Edward knew he was trying to figure out who the last book was for and waited patiently for the old man to ask.

"This one though, this is a bit, ah, different. Than your usual, that is."

Glancing up at Edward then back at the book he held, Took thumbed through the pages gently, pausing to read from one.

"_If nature has made you for a giver, your hands are born open, and so is your heart; and though there may be times when your hands are empty, your heart is always full, and you can give things out of that-warm things, kind things, sweet things-help and comfort and laughter-and sometimes gay, kind laughter is the best help of all_."

Took stared down at the book for a moment, then looked at Edward; gone was the slightly foggy, magical man from his childhood. He was suddenly replaced by a hawk, his gaze sharp and far-seeing.

"This is quite a gift, young mister Cullen. Not one to be given lightly, if I may say so."

Edward heard what was beneath his words, the careful warning and a deeper understanding.

"You sure you're not from the Shire? Maybe old Gandolf's long lost cousin?"

Took wheezed out a laugh and put the books in a bag for Edward.

"I'll never tell, my boy. I'll never tell."

Swinging his bag of books against his leg as he started back towards Bella's truck, Edward remained lost in thought. Which meant lost in Bella; he'd thought of little else for days. He was starting to get used to the amount of time she was on his mind. Obviously because she was an attractive woman, one he'd grown up next to, and a close friend of the family. A woman who was desperately in need of help and too damn stubborn to ask for it.

_If she would just see that, realize that people want to help her, not out of pity but because..._

_Because why, exactly?_

He stopped walking abruptly, the sharp angles of the books digging into his leg as the bag swung back against him. He'd thought plenty about the why not; she wasn't a town girl looking for a quick roll in the hay, she was practically a family member, it wasn't right. He'd been going about things all wrong he realized then, and started walking again, a smile stretched across his face.

He'd offered to help her before, but then things had gotten... crazy... and kissing her just then was definitely not the right choice. Of course she wasn't going to accept his help when she thought he was trying to get in her pants, or because he pitied her. But if he could convince her it was because she was a friend of the family, that the two of them were friends... If he was a friend he wouldn't have to take no for an answer.

_Friends. Bella. And me. Friends?_

Was that what he wanted? To be Bella's friend; that didn't sound too bad at all. Choosing to ignore the fact that he _wanted_ at all where she was concerned, he waved absently at the bank manager who worked with Carlisle on the ranch finances. Bella's ugly truck was just visible at the end of the block so he slowed his step slightly, giving himself more time to get things straight in his head.

_I'll apologize to her for... whatever that was on the Hill, and then I'll convince her there's no reason we can't be friends, because there's not. Not really. Friends probably imagine each other naked from time to time, especially friends of the opposite sex._

His eyes stared into the middle distance as he let that one simmer for a moment; Bella naked would be a sight to be appreciated, of that he was certain.

_Friends! Not naked friends, fully clothed friendly friends. I can be her friend and convince her to let me help he with the ranch._

The solution seemed obvious, easy now that he'd dedicated time to it. And he really just wanted to help her, because she needed it and deserved it. It had nothing to do with the curl of excitement spreading through his stomach at the thought of seeing her every day, working side by side, seeing her smile, maybe even at him...

_Friends. Say you're sorry and make nice. Easy as pie._

His satisfaction at such a perfect plan carried him the last few feet towards Bella's truck, still parked in front of Joe's, now with a bed full of supplies. Watching her brace her feet to sling one of the heavier bags over the side and into the back, Edward repeated _friends_ once more in his mind.

"Easy as pie," he murmured under his breath as he reached her. Tossing his bag in through the open passenger window he stepped next to her, intending to take it from her.

_Go easy here, the girl's got pride in spades._

Stepping back again, he opened the tailgate instead, watching as she set the bag down with a grunt, the muscles in her arms and shoulders flexing.

Edward whistled lightly in appreciation.

"No wonder my face felt like it hit a brick wall. Nice guns, Swan."

She turned to face him and he waited for the inevitable outburst. Instead she smiled, a small wicked turn of her lips.

_Always a surprise, Bella._

"Damn straight, Cullen, and don't you forget it."

Grinning back at her Edward said, "Don't worry, I won't. The last time a girl hit me was in the fourth grade, and she had nothing on your right hook."

Bella's smile faltered, then slid off her face.

"Jessica Stanley."

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"God, _and_ Lauren Mallory. Fantastic."

Following her gaze over his shoulder Edward turned to see the two women hovering a few feet behind him.

"Ladies."

His smile, so easy with Bella, threatened to slip even as he fought to keep it on his face.

Jessica's hair looked oddly damp and clung to her face in a rather unflattering way as she simpered. Lauren looked like she always did, some sort of freakish cross between a Barbie doll and a Stepford Wife. It was eerie how she never had a hair out of place, chipped nail polish, or scuffs on her shiny shoes. The smirk on her face was part and parcel the whole off-putting image she presented, at least to Edward.

"Edward."

Somehow she managed to leer the word at him, making his name feel a little unclean. He took the hand she extended with the very tips of his fingers, giving them a slight shake before releasing them quickly. If she was expecting some gallant hand kissing routine she was pathetically mistaken.

"And Bella, you poor thing. How are you?"

Lauren's tone was like sour honey, oozing false understanding and sympathy as she turned to Bella. Her heeled shoes gave her the perfect height advantage to look haughtily down her nose. Without waiting for an answer, a good thing judging by the look on Bella's face, she dismissed her and turned back to Edward.

"So, I understand the date for the garden party has been set?"

Edward's smile slipped closer to a grimace as he answered, "Yes, Saturday, three weeks from now."

Jessica's voice piped up from her place at Lauren's elbow. Edward had always hated that voice, all breathy and little girl excitement. It would have been bad enough had Jessica purposely done it to attempt some form of sexiness but it was worse somehow that she'd been born with it. It was like she'd turned six and her voice stopped maturing with the rest of her.

_Ironic, that, as the rest of her couldn't seem to wait to mature._

Trying to forget his obsession with Jessica (or rather, her suddenly blooming breasts) during his middle school years, he focused on her words.

"Oh I just can't wait! Esme always outdoes herself! Why, I was just saying to Lauren the other day..."

Lauren didn't seem to enjoy Jessica's voice any more than he did; she jumped in quickly to talk over her "friend". Edward wasn't certain if the title really applied; from the way Jessica followed Lauren around she was more like "lapdog". He was going to go with poodle.

"Yes, it is always magical. Perhaps, if you'd like some _worthwhile_ company, Edward?"

She let the scorn drip from her voice as she glanced down at Bella, obviously less than worthwhile companionship for Edward in her estimation, then trailed off with a suggestive look, going so far as to run one too long nail down Edward's bare forearm.

_God, she's about as subtle as a kick to the balls. It's disgusting. Thank whatever force kept my dick out of _that_._

Silently, Bella had taken everything in with a steely glare, arms crossed over her chest, one hip cocked out angrily. She looked ready to start scrapping, right there in the street in front of Joe's, but she surprised Edward again. Snorting and shaking her head she turned to get into the truck.

An idea hit Edward and before he even finished thinking it he was sending up a quick prayer (_please don't hit me again Bella)_, and moving into action. Putting one arm out to stop her, he grabbed her shoulder and turned her around again. Pulling her into his side and leaving his arm across her shoulder, he hoped it looked like a friendly gesture, one that two people who'd grown up together would be comfortable with.

"That's a very kind offer Lauren, but I already have a date, thanks."

His voice sounded perfectly casual, which was amazing considering he was suddenly, physically aware of all things Bella. The way she fit snugly, perfectly against his side, tucked under his arm like she'd been shaped to fit him, or he to fit her. The bare skin of her shoulder beneath his palm, hot from the sun and soft, so soft. He wanted to run his hand up and down her arm, searching out every available inch of exposed flesh to see if all of it felt the same. A few pieces of her dark hair lifted in a breath of breeze and two or three of them stuck themselves to the stubble beneath his chin. There was no reason it should have felt incredibly intimate; it was just hair. But he could imagine it, those few strands multiplied into many as he buried his face in it, let it cover him as she lay over him, pushing it away to see her face as she reached...

_Fuck. Focus. Friends. Three "f"'s, small enough words even for the only brain that's doing any thinking right now to understand. Friends._

Bella tensed a little as Edward's implication sunk in, tilting her head just a little to catch his eye with a question. He hoped she understood what he was doing, and why; he certainly didn't. She smirked again and let herself relax just a bit against him, cocking her head to the side so that her ear rested against his chest. They looked like good friends, comfortable around each other with so many years between them; nothing more.

_Nothing more than friends_, Edward thought, and ignored his sense of disappointment.

When given the choice between being insulted by a woman who was almost positively _not _smarter than a fifth grader, with breathy interjections from another woman with a fifth grader's voice, and waiting in the stifling hot truck for them to finish verbally gangbanging Edward... The choice seemed obvious. There was no need to attempt some sort of witty sparring with Lauren in the style of polite social insults; any attempt at subtlety was lost on the her. And Bella had more respect for herself than to start a fight in the middle of town with some trampy poodle.

_I could just tap that pointy little jaw once, just barely, just enough to make her stop talking. But what a waste of effort. And energy. No, not today. And what's with all this violence? I've never had so much face punching in my life before, acted on or not._

She'd only taken a step away when something stopped her, turning her back towards the tepid blonds. Edward's hand was on her shoulder, pulling her towards him, and before her body could react she was snug against his side, from hip to head. The instantaneous rush of tingles and flutters took over as her position sunk in, but something else followed it, new and different.

She felt calmed in some way, or comforted maybe. Her pulse was jumping and picking up speed, but a soothing undertow of peace ran beneath it. Suddenly she wasn't standing on her own two feet, she was leaning against someone else; the mental relief she felt almost outweighed the physical reactions his touch caused..

_Maybe there's something to the whole 'lean on your friends' thing after all._

Edward left his arm across her shoulder, the tips of his fingers just barely brushing her skin as he spoke. Bella had never tried so hard not to shiver in sweltering heat before. Luckily Lauren's expressions of shock and dismay were funny enough to keep her mind off the way Edward's body was so... firm.

If Edward's devious eyes hadn't told her what he was up to she might have laughed out loud. As it was she knew there no reason to try and hide the grin on her face. It was just too good an opportunity to pass up. Looking Lauren directly in the eye she leaned in just a bit more, feeling Edward's belt press into her side, and put her own arm around his waist.

Lauren's face appeared to be melting, everything pulling down slowly, her mouth slack, chin dropped against her chest. She looked from Edward to Bella and back again, then quickly began glaring at Bella. Jessica was twittering on about what she would wear and how her hair would be done and would Esme have those darling little tea cakes again this year? Her ceaseless prattle was background noise for Bella as she stared right back at Lauren, letting her smile turn into a smirk, and knowing full well what conclusions Lauren would draw.

It didn't matter either way, in Bella's estimation. Half the town would assume she and Edward were sleeping together because they rode into town together. That was just the way of small towns and gossip mills. The rest of them would assume that either Edward's mother or father (_but most likely mother, _some of them would chuckle knowingly) had sent him along to help the poor little Swan girl.

_If they only knew how thrilled I am to wear boots every day; whatever would I do if I had to tie shoelaces?_

She couldn't help thinking sarcastic thoughts about the people who looked down on her, or worse, pitied her. It was a good release from the desire to stand on their toes and scream in their faces, pinning them in place with both her weight and her rage. Those people, the same one's who came to her parent's funeral, who went gossiping around town about how her life was falling apart like it was some kind of daytime TV soap opera. She'd envisioned herself more than once in the street with a megaphone yelling, "This is my _life_, you assholes!"

She always felt ridiculous about it afterward. Because it was just that: _her life._ None of them really cared about much beyond their own lives, and Bella couldn't really fault them for it. She was, after all, a prime example. Anything outside of her realm of responsibilities to the ranch and the men who worked for her wasn't important to her, practically didn't exist.

_If Alice ever heard that she'd string me up with my own guts. I'll amend it to include the family Cullen and their various accoutrements._

Edward's fingers tensed a little on her shoulder and she realized Jessica had finally shut up and Lauren was purring in Edward's face.

"Well that is just so kind of you Edward, to invite little Bella so she wouldn't be all alone like she always is_._"

She appeared to be smiling, or trying really hard to, but the result was a rather macabre grimace. Bella couldn't help the little chuckle that escaped. Edward was looking at Lauren like she was a nasty disease and catching, and Bella laughed outright. When he looked down at her he smiled again and the tingly flutters started running rampant again. The combination of having Edward as a partner in crime and having Edward pressing against her so casually was a heady mix.

"Lauren, Jessica, it's been so lovely to see you both, but we have to get back to work. I'd tell you about it but I'd hate to disgust you with things as primitive and lowly as manual labor and cleaning up horse shit."

Sliding away from Edward, ignoring the pang at their loss of contact, she headed around the front of her truck to slide into the seat.

_I was right, it is sweltering in here. So much better to have stood outside with Edward, pissing Lauren off. Stupid cow._

"Well, enjoy the rest of your afternoon ladies, and I'm sure I'll be thrilled to see you at the party."

Edward slid into the truck and folded his long legs in, pulling the door closed with a slam. Reaching over to tug a lock of Bella's hair, he waved through the open window as they pulled off the curb. Lauren was still standing there, Bella saw in the rearview mirror, looking for all the world like she was trying to shoot balls of fire from her eyes into the back of the retreating truck.

Bella laughed again, not holding back this time, and after watching her for a moment in silence, Edward chuckled along with her.

"Swan, I'm impressed. I didn't know you had it in you to be so-"

"Catty? Bitchy? Say whatever you want, Cullen, nothing will kill this high."

"I was going to say brilliant. That was brilliant, Bella."

Still grinning like a fool, Bella followed the road out of town and decided to enjoy the turn her day had taken.

_It could really only have gone up, I suppose. Unless I planned to pull over again, scream at Edward some more and kick him out of the truck this time._

Remembering her earlier outburst cooled her joy just a bit. She'd been so sure of herself, so righteously angry at him... and it seemed so ridiculous now.

_But it was necessary. He can't be allowed to just do whatever he wants and get away with it, not where I'm concerned._ Of course, the prim and proper voice had to chime in with _He did apologize at least. _But he hadn't, not really; he'd said he wanted to apologize, just not right then.

_Which makes no sense whatsoever. No wonder I want to yell at him._

"So, thanks. For... that. Back there. With them. Thanks."

_Oh dear god, what is wrong with me? What happened to that easy-going thing that was just happening?_

Chancing a glance to her right killed any hope that Edward hadn't heard her fumble through an easy 'thank you'. He was watching her, his upper body turned towards her, smiling hugely.

"You're welcome. I meant it though, what I said."

Bella glanced at him again then back at the road as she turned that one over in her mind.

_He told them I was his date. And he meant what he said. So... what, I'm going with him as his date because he's already decided this? Because he took pity on me when the Tupperware Twins showed up? He can't even _ask_ me?_

Edward seemed to come to the same conclusion she did because he spoke again quickly, his words tumbling over one another.

"I didn't mean... if you wanted to. I mean, I was going to ask you anyways, and then... I wasn't saying that you had... because I'm sure you could be anyone's date... that wasn't what I mean..._fuck._"

The last word was said on an exhaled sigh as he turned to look out the window, away from her. Bella allowed herself a tight victory grin at his stuttering.

_Maybe one day we'll talk to each other instead of tripping through simple sentences like idiots._

Knowing Edward was uncomfortable was enough to balance things out for Bella again. Yes, he was sex on legs, always and no matter what. He was also a genuinely nice person who wasn't all charm and practiced swagger, apparently. He couldn't be, if he was stuttering at her. It made her feel a little warm ball in her stomach, excitement and joy and playfulness, all at once.

"Since no one is apologizing- yet- let's nobody ask either, alright?"

His head whipped around to hers, a frown on his face as his mouth opened, but Bella already knew what was coming.

"I know, you're going to. Just not here, because... I don't know why, because you're strange, probably. Either way. That's fine. But I don't think I want to be not-exactly-asked to be your non-date until I get my not-yet apology. Okay?"

His frown slipping into something much more serious and thoughtful, Edward just stared at her as she drove. The moments spun out into a million infinities as Bella waited, determined not to break first. She lasted two minutes before she was too self-conscious to stay silent any longer.

"What? Are you in shock because I didn't fall all over myself to be your date or because I actually expect you to apologize at some point?"

"No. No, none of that. Bella, I think..."

"What do you think? Please, I'm all ears and breathless anticipation."

Hoping her sarcasm covered her nerves Bella waited and tried not to grip the steering wheel too tight. Or breathe too fast. Or scream because if he didn't say something soon she was going to lose her mind.

"What are you doing for the rest of the day?"

Two hours later they were both drenched in sweat and heaving in lungfuls of air with great, gasping breaths. Edward's words came out on every exhale, and sweat gleamed at his temples.

"God... damn... Swan."

"Yeah. Told you... don't underestimate... these guns."

They eyed each other as they tried to calm their breathing, Bella reaching up to swipe a hand across her forehead.

"Not so bad... yourself... Cullen."

He smiled as he straightened, putting two hands behind his back and leaning into them, causing a series of tiny pops and one loud crack.

"Ah god, that was..."

"Yeah."

Bella stretched her shoulders and grabbed her water bottle, tipping it back. No more than two drops of water touched her parched tongue and she glared at Edward as he twisted back and forth, trying to elicit more pops from his bones.

"You drank my water? What was wrong with yours?"

"I drank it. Besides, yours was colder."

_That's the smile he's had since he was five and didn't want to get in trouble. No wonder he hardly ever did._

"Whatever, Cullen. Anyways, thanks for your help. I couldn't have done that in less than six hours, but two extra hands makes a big difference."

"Yeah, well. I told you I'd help."

When Edward had asked what she was doing for the rest of the day, Bella had no idea what to say. She hadn't made any actual plans, figuring on some problem or another making itself known within minutes of her return home. No need to plan to do something when another thing would pop up needing her urgent attention. So when he'd asked, she'd searched her mind frantically for something that sounded planned and necessary, and would take up most of her afternoon. Just in case he had any more 'walks' in mind.

She'd told him she was going clear out the attic, a daunting task she'd been putting off for years. Her folks had used it as a catch-all sort of storage, and Bella had gotten into the habit of using it for the same thing. Clothes that didn't fit, lamps that were broken (_but fixable!_ Renee's voice always chimed in), ugly Christmas presents, school papers from elementary school, a few chairs of indeterminate origin... all had found a cramped and dusty home in the Swan attic. It was a waste of space, and Bella had been thinking about just chucking it all since her parent's died. But then she'd feared she would run across something, some little oddity from Renee's pack rat days, and that wall would break and she'd drown in loss all over again. It wasn't that she felt sentimental about any of it (she and Charlie had both believed junk was junk) but that her _mother_ had felt sentimental about all of it. Just knowing how Renee's face would light up when she stumbled across some horrible drawing from Bella's third grade art class and start waxing poetic about how talented her little Bumblebee was, even as a child... It would break her. And Bella wasn't in the mood to wallow in it again. Maybe never. It was just too hard to deal with now.

So she'd told Edward she was cleaning out her attic and he'd offered to help her. _Part of my apology_, he'd said, and he'd looked so earnest about helping her she'd agreed. It was crazy, but she doubted there were many who'd be able to resist that look on Edward's face. Seeing his grown man's face wearing the beguiling hope of a child was a lethal combination. Maybe it would help her stay on task, and at least she wouldn't have to personally handle half of it now.

She'd gone in like a hurricane, pulling things from everywhere within her reach and tossing them down the stairs and into the large crates Harry had brought in lieu of trashcans. Edward had watched her for a minute, then joined her, clearing knick-knacks and loose papers off the larger pieces of furniture.

Moving those had been the last thing they'd done, and Bella was truly thankful Edward had been there to help her. There was no way she could have moved half of it by herself, much less maneuvered it down the steps and out of the house. Edward made a few gently teasing remarks when she first helped, grabbing the opposite side of an ancient table that felt like it was made of solid rock and weighed a ton. When she'd just lifted her side up and waited in silence for him to lift his, then taken the downside as they moved it down the stairs, he'd shut up. Bella figured he'd finally come to respect the muscles she had hidden in her otherwise scrawny arms. It made her feel an irrational amount of pride to be able to hold her own during the heavy lifting.

Watching Edward do heavy lifting made her feel irrationally turned on. His tee shirt was ringed with sweat and pulled taut across his shoulders as he lifted and tugged and pulled on a bookshelf. She stopped long enough to take in the sight of him, feet braced and shoulders down as he tried to move it. His shirt rode up his back to show a few inches of tanned, sweaty skin and the elastic band of his underwear.

_Hmm, boxer briefs maybe? I'll file that away for later contemplation._

She'd decided she was a genius at thinking on the spot and deciding on this task and gave his ass a silent toast with her water bottle before she went back to work.

Two hours later they had just lugged the last thing, a beastly, unwieldy sofa shaped like a kidney bean, down the stairs. It had taken twice as long as anything else because they kept having to stop, turn it, adjust it, scoot forward a few inches, then turn it again. By the time they'd reached the bottom of the stairs and set it down, Bella's arms felt like jelly and she knew her entire face was beet red from the effort.

Still shaking her empty water bottle, she watched in amusement as Edward dropped like a ragdoll onto the sofa they'd just moved. He was about two feet too big for it and his arms and legs hung off and brushed the floor, but he groaned like he'd just fallen into a bed of clouds.

"Have a seat, Cullen, kick back and relax. I'm going to get us some more water since you've obviously been extremely thirsty."

She got a grunt in reply and left him to go to the kitchen. When she came back, two glasses of lemonade and a bag of cookies in hand, he hadn't moved an inch.

"Move over, slacker."

When he just grunted again Bella used her foot to knock his legs off the sofa and sat down next to him. His upper body was still on the sofa, his shirt hiked up wonderfully high, and his legs were flung haphazardly out across the floor. He resembled nothing so much as a floppy scarecrow and Bella laughed at the image of him in flannel and overalls.

_Bet he'd still look good. Bastard._

Biting into a cookie and taking advantage of his closed eyes, she turned to look at him again. There was dirt and dust smudged all over his face and his hair was sticking straight out from his head like a hedgehog. His flat stomach was perfectly on display along with the narrow line of his hips, and Bella cursed herself even as she got an eyeful.

_ It's just not fair for a man to have such a perfect body, and be laying on my couch, and me not get anything from it. Not that I want anything, he's just too pretty and sweaty and... close. Might as well enjoy the view._

Her eyes moved up across his chest, unfortunately covered by his sweat darkened tee, to his broad, capable shoulders. She could still feel exactly what it had been like to be held against that body, beneath that shoulder.

Her eyes reached his face and traced the shadow of stubble over his chin and up his cheek, followed the lines of his strong nose to his forehead, then settled on his still-closed eyes. She knew how lethal his eyes could be when they were open, but covered with eyelids and long lashes they seemed safer somehow, gentler. It lent an innocence to his face that she realized always used to be there.

She was wondering exactly when that innocence had been replaced by whatever it was that blazed out of him sometimes, when his eyes opened and looked directly into hers. Looking away quickly, Bella held out the lemonade she'd yet to put down.

"I hope lemonade and cookies are a sufficient snack for furniture moving and attic cleaning."

He sat up, pulling his shirt straight and brushing hair off his forehead, smudging the dirt there even further.

"Thanks, it's perfect."

Taking the glass and two cookies he sat back, but didn't take his eyes of her. She tried to ignore it, talking about the things they'd found, and what she'd do with it all, and thanking him again for helping. He just answered where it was necessary and continued to watch her.

Finally, it was too much. Small talk had never been her forte, and it seemed ridiculous anyways since they practically grew up together. It was irritating to know that he could just look at her and not even have to say anything to drive her crazy but it was worse not knowing why.

"Out with it, Cullen."

Determinedly sitting still as Edward sat up and leaned closer to her, then closer still, Bella reminded herself to breathe and chanted silently in her mind.

_Punch him if he tries punch him if he tries punch him if he tries..._

The closer he got, the harder it was not to break eye contact with him. His gaze was so intent for a moment Bella forgot her chanting and just looked at the tiny flecks of gray and blue throughout his irises. When he raised one hand and brought it near her face, she decided that if he was going to kiss her she'd have to punch herself first, and then punch him. Otherwise she might forget why this was such a bad idea, why she was still mad at him, why it could never...

"Bella."

He was so close now the consonants of her name blew across her skin like a sigh. His hand was still rising slowly, stopping just next to her cheek. She took one last deep breath and held it, terrified and thrilled and feeling sick all at once.

His hand finally came to rest, cupping her face from chin to ear as his thumb slid back and forth across her cheekbone.

"You've got some dirt, here..."

Exhaling heavily, Bella put her hand on his chest (_don't think about how hard it feels, how hot it is through his shirt, how he smells like sex even when he's covered in sweat)_ and pushed him back lightly. Standing up for good measure, because the couch suddenly seemed much too small and close, Bella forced herself to laugh.

"Hate to break it to you, but you're pretty filthy yourself, Cullen."

Hoping her face wouldn't give her inner turmoil away, Bella took a few steps away before she turned back again. He was still sitting there, looking at her in that way, the way that made her feel like a starfish, guts turned inside out and on display for the world. Only, instead of her guts, it was everything she kept secret, every hidden thought and dream, and he laid them bare with that stare alone.

"Thanks again for helping, for all of today really. I've got to shower before the guys come in, I swore to Harry I'd take dinner duty tonight."

Edward finally stood, stretching himself like a cat once more (_and there's that perfect space of man skin, all tight and tasty looking_) before nodding and walking toward her. She considered holding her ground worthy of a medal, or at least a commendation in bravery.

"I'll be back tomorrow to work on that well-pump for you."

"Edward, I don't need..."

"Ah, shut it already, Swan. I know you don't need help. I watched you man-handle furniture that weighs three times what you do. Or woman-handle? Either way, I'm not doing it because you need it. I'm doing it because that's what friends do."

Bella bit her tongue against a quick retort and thought over his words. One, in particular.

_Friends. That's what friends do._

That was probably true; she would certainly help out any of the Cullen's, or Rose, if she had the time to. And Carlisle himself had said they were a little overstaffed this season, so Edward was probably just getting in the way over there.

_Might as well get in the way over here I guess. And it probably wouldn't hurt to have some free manual labor._

The actual sight of Edward performing said labor was definitely not a deciding factor in her choice.

"Yeah, ok. Be here at eight. I'll have plenty of coffee for you."

From the way Edward's face lit up, he thought being there at eight and having coffee was better than Christmas.

"See you then. Bella."

Then he was striding past her and out the door, across the porch, and down the stairs. The open windows let in the faint sound of off-key whistling as she watched his retreating form stroll across her yard.

Twenty minutes later, up to her chin in too-hot bathwater and bubbles, a fresh glass of water and a bottle of aspirin on the floor next to her, Bella didn't think. She'd succeeded in emptying her mind of everything that required actual brainpower. Instead, she watched with a sort of faraway fascination as a rainbow of colors slid through each tiny bubble resting on her soapy knees. Closing her eyes, she leaned back and let her non-thoughts fill her, calmness sinking through her in a way she'd forgotten existed.

Against her will, a real thought sneaked in, and made it clear that no amount of not thinking about it would make it go away. Bella gave in with a sigh, opened her eyes, and brought it to the forefront of her mind. She'd been living like she had a bomb strapped to her, ready to go off at any second. The anticipation of something bad happening, always waiting to blow up in her face, had wound her body up like a spring. She'd gotten so used to it that she didn't notice it anymore, until the lack of tension felt strange in her bones. She realized she'd been more stressed than even she'd known, and took a moment to gloat in enjoyment at the way she was feeling now.

_I feel like a limp noodle, in the best possible way._

Which didn't make a lot of sense, considering the gross amount of alcohol she and Alice had consumed, resulting in the worst hangover ever. On top of which the stress she'd felt at spending any amount of time alone with Edward, and the run in with the Plastic Princesses. Then more time with Edward, in close quarters no less, with some serious heavy lifting thrown in for good measure. In her own estimation, she should be feeling like death warmed over and forgotten in the microwave for a week. Instead, she felt satisfied, at ease.

_Carefree. I feel completely carefree._

Eyes closing again, Bella slid back down into the tub feeling a little smug. Whatever had happened today, from utter humiliation at having been overheard ruminating on the exact color of Edward's eyes to that moment where she'd been so sure Edward was going to kiss her again she'd felt it on her lips, and even Lauren's attempts at making her feel inferior... none of it mattered right now.

Right now was for feeling carefree.

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**A/N: **No excuses for the nearly half a year between updates. I'm just going to offer a treat instead :) If you're reading this after waiting all these months, you deserve it. And it's got zero calories, I swear! If you want a teaser from the next chapter, let me know in a review or PM or whatever and I'll hook you up.

EMMALINE IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, PLEASE PM ME! I'D LOVE YOUR HELP :)

Beta love, commencing now!

le_rameau is the night to my day. Everyone should be lucky enough to have a complete opposite helping them out; the different views open up a whole new world of options. Oh, and if you enjoyed the conversation with Took, thank her. :)

Bookjunkie1975 is my second sun. Adoration galore. She knows my brain, I love hers; it's the best ever. And her beta comment on hobbits in Montana? Well, that kind of took on a life of it's own, as you read. You guys need to read her Em/Leah O/S for the 30 Days of Emmett. It's so good :)

Izzzyysprinkles is my crazy naked friend (not just fully clothed friendly friend) who is wicked smart and generous to give me some of her insight. And when she quotes Ace Ventura as she betas... be still, my heart. Oh, and I love lemonade and cookies. Deal. ;p

A last random note: each of them commented in some way about how it was nice to see Edward be the book lover for once, as it's usually a Bella thing. This will be big in future chapters. Js.


	12. Chapter 12

**Please to be reading about Fandom Gives Back to Autism Speaks in the A/N at the bottom. 3**

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**CHAPTER 11**

_All things must change to something new, to something strange._

_~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow_

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"Edward, how was your day?"

Esme's pleasant voice greeted him at the door, and Edward thought for a moment how great it was to come home and hear his mother. He smiled at her as he set his bag of books down and wrapped her up in a tight hug, taking in everything that she was. Comfort, love, understanding; no matter what, she'd always give him those things.

_No matter what? Then why haven't I told her-_

_ No, best to not open that door yet._

"I'd have thought it couldn't get any better, but here you are. You and Dad are home early, aren't you?"

Esme laughed as he released her, and Edward was struck again by his mother. She was so amazing, a constant beautiful touchstone in his life . The lie, his secret, stuck in him like a cruel thorn, digging deeper with each passing day.

"Yes, well, we were going to stay through the weekend, but we decided there was no need, and with all the planning I've got to do for the party we just decided to come on home."

"Ah, the party. Speaking of, I ran into Jessica Stanley and Lauren Mallory while I was in town with Bella today. They said many empty, simpering things that I'm sure you'll have no interest in hearing about. But they'll both be here for it, so let's make sure there's lots of disinfectants on the tables, shall we?"

She laughed again, though Edward could tell she was trying not to. He knew his mother had no fondness for those two, but she was too polite to show it anywhere but at home.

"Oh, Edward. I'm so glad I never had to welcome either of them into our home as your girlfriend. I'd probably have choked on my tongue trying to think of something kind to say."

"Yeah, and Lauren probably would have been counting silver the moment she walked in the door."

Walking past his mother into the kitchen, Edward reached into a cabinet and pulled out two glasses, filling each with ice and tap water. He added a slice of lemon to Esme's glass before handing it to her, and settled himself at the table.

"So, you said you and Bella went to town today?"

_Oh yeah, Bella went to town all right_, he thought, as he remembered her flushed face and hard words to him in her truck. His hand went to the back of his neck and rubbed for a moment as he looked down at the table, feeling slightly guilty. He straightened quickly when he realized his mother was watching him like a hawk.

"And I'll assume from your smile that you two had a good time?"

Esme's face was innocent of all but the slightest curiosity, but Edward knew better. She was searching for pearls, some little tidbit to winnow out of him. He wasn't sure if she wanted to hear that something had happened between them or if she'd rip his head off for not treating Bella right. She loved Bella as her own, so the chances were good she was more interested in his possibly wrong actions than any sort of matchmaking scheme.

Resisting the urge to run his hand across his hair, an uneasy gesture she'd recognize, he settled on lacing his fingers together on the the table. "Well, aside from the run-in with Jessica and Lauren, I guess you could say we had a fine time. She got supplies, I got books, then I convinced her to let me help clean out her attic." He looked at Esme with widened eyes as he went on, "Have you been up there? Jeez, I didn't know anyone could cram so much stuff into such a small space, but Renee seemed to have a certain skill for it."

His mother laughed and he could still hear the pain of losing her best friend in it, but also the appreciation for Renee's ability to amaze, even now.

"I went up there about two years ago, and I was honestly terrified for my life. That woman didn't let go of a thing!" Shaking her head with a smile, her eyes looked into the distance, at memories Edward couldn't see. After a moment she blinked them away.

"Now," she continued, leaning forward like a conspirator about to share a secret, "tell me what devious tactics you used to get Bella to let you help so I can use them in the future."

Edward told her a slightly edited version of his trip to town with Bella, and how he'd simply offered and then not taken no for an answer. It didn't seem quite like lying to leave out the conversation about the kiss and the apology and all the thoughts he'd had about being Bella's friend, or the convincing he had to do to himself before he even got to Bella. Esme seemed to be buying it, but there was a scary speculative look about her that Edward didn't feel comfortable with. At all.

"Well, I'm glad that she's decided to accept some help from her _friends_, and I'm glad to know that not all of my efforts to raise you right went by the wayside. Now, if only I could get you to cut that mop on your head."

Edward laughed with her, playfully swatting her hands away when she reached towards his hair, and decided he'd imagined the emphasis she'd put on the word 'friends'. Probably just his own guilty conscious making things up.

Probably.

"So, what did you get at Took's Books? Something for your poor, dear mother, I hope?"

"How could I not get something for my poor, dear mother when she's so obviously in need of gifts to show I've not yet forgotten completely about her?"

"You are a bad, bad son, Edward Cullen, and I'll be speaking to the adoption agency immediately about sending you back. You're obviously defective beyond any repair."

Smirking over his shoulder, he went to the hall to grab his books from the table and heard the rumble of footsteps moments before the door burst open. Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Rose all tumbled in, laughing and talking over one another.

"Emmett, I swear, you would charge a bull head first just to prove you've got the bigger pair of-

"Uh, hey there Mrs. Cullen."

Jasper's face pinked slightly when he saw Esme standing behind Edward, and everyone laughed at his discomfort. Except Esme, who merely raised one eyebrow and said, "Jasper, I've told you to call me Esme too many times to count. And believe me, he's already tried it. The bull couldn't have been more disinterested, thankfully."

Everyone laughed again and followed Edward back into the kitchen, still talking all at once and filling the quiet house with the kind of noise only a family can make. Edward stood by the sink for a moment to take it all in. He loved the ruckus and shouts and playful punches they traded as they settled at the table.

"Esme, weren't you planning to stay the whole weekend? Did Carlisle come home too?" Rosalie asked, pushing her long hair over one shoulder as she sat next to Emmett.

"Yes and yes, but we came back early because obviously with all of you here the house couldn't be trusted to stand on it's own. Now hush, all of you, so my son can give me my present in the hopes that I don't send him back to the rock we found him under."

"Well, if you're going to be like that, Mom, I'll have start with everyone else's presents."

Reaching into the bag, Edward pulled Jasper's book out first.

"Jasper, for you."

He handed Jasper a heavy coffee table book titled _A History of Vintage Muscle_, and laughed when Jasper immediately asked, "Does it have the-"

"Yes, page thirty-seven. And it's green."

Already flipping to the page, Jasper let out a low whistle as he looked the 1965 Mustang Fastback pictured there.

"Damn, she's a beauty. Thanks, man."

Nodding, Edward reached back into the bag, then paused to look at Alice. "Now, Alice-"

"Shut up already and let me have it! Yay! I love new things, thank you so much Edwar - ooh, Edward, _Twenty Years of VOGUE. _Oh my god, you _are _my brother!"

Laughing, she hugged him then sat down to pour over the pages of fashion and models. To Edward, they looked like they belonged in a circus instead of a book about fashion, but that just showed what he knew. Alice was obviously thrilled, so he'd consider that a success.. On to Rosalie.

"You are not my brother, in blood or spirit, unless you got me something wonderful and amazing and - oh Edward." She looked at the book he held up to her. "You are good, aren't you? I've been meaning to pick this up for months. Thank you."

Leaning across the table to kiss Edward's cheek, Rose took her book, _The Horse Boy_, and sat down next to Alice. She told Esme, "This is the one I was telling you about, with the autistic boy, and his parents traveled all over the world trying to find ways to help him. They finally settle on equine therapy and the boy just flourishes! I really can't thank you enough, Edward."

If Edward hadn't known better, he'd have thought there were tears in her blue eyes, but Rose wasn't one to get mushy over things that easily. _Still_, he thought with a smile, _mission accomplished._

"Where's mine, bro? Wait, lemme guess. Playboy, A History?" Jumping away from Rose's slapping hand landed him directly in line for Esme's, which caught him on the back of his head. "Ow, Mom! Kidding, kidding, sheesh!"

Edward handed him the book he'd found about the history of comic books, how they'd become so much more than just picture stories for kids. He'd known it was for Emmett the moment he saw it; the only thing Emmett read as a child were comics. The grin and bone-rattling punch he got from his brother in thanks was proof he was right.

"Now, where is Dad anyways?"

"Dad is right here, and what is this? Christmas come early? Ah, no, I see Edward stopped by Took's."

Reaching into the bag again, Edward pulled out the book of selected works by Longfellow he'd considered keeping for himself. Only knowing how much his dad would enjoy it made it possible to let it go.

"Still have it, I see. Well done, son. Very well done."

Flipping open to a page at random, Carlisle began to read aloud. Everyone immediately quieted and looked up at him as his voice spoke Longfellow's words. His voice took on a strident, cadenced quality. It was the voice of a born story teller, and one his children had always loved.

"_This is the place. Stand still, my steed,_

_ Let me review the scene,_

_ And summon from the shadowy Past_

_ The forms that once have been."_

Edward knew immediately which poem his father read from, and recited silently along with him. When Carlisle reached the verse that Edward had always seen his mother in, he closed his eyes to imagine it again. Only this time, there was Bella in the lily white dress, walking down the sunny lane.

_ I saw the branches of the trees_

_ Bend down thy touch to meet,_

_ The clover-blossoms in the grass_

_ Rise up to kiss thy feet,_

"Well, we'll save the rest for later, yes?" His father's voice pulled him out of the scene in his mind, and Edward's eyes snapped open. He glanced around to see if anyone had noticed but they were all still looking at Carlisle.

_Of course they didn't notice me thinking about Bella, it's not like there's a sign in flashing lights above my head._

"Oh, Carlisle." Esme's eyes held the sheen of tears, and the look they shared left room for nothing else in the world but the two of them. Everyone sat in silence for a moment, enjoying being forgotten for such an obvious, enduring love. Then Carlisle spoke again, and the spell was broken.

"I read this poem in it's entirety the day I proposed to your mother. Thank you, Edward."

"I thought you might like it. There's a few others in there that-"

"Oh, is mine in there? Mine and Bella's?" Alice's voice piped up from her seat.

"Well, it's a collection of favorites, so I'm sure they wouldn't leave that one out, would they, my grave Alice?"

"Wait, Alice, grave? I've seen nothing that would make me believe it for a second. Not a single split second." Rosalie's arched eyebrow indicated just how disbelieving she was that Alice was anything but rambunctious.

"Oh, hush, Rose. Just because I'm rarely grave doesn't mean it's not still my poem. Well, mine and Bella's. Dad used to read it to us when we were kids and she'd sleep over and we were being too loud. It was his way of shutting us up for a minute, but c'mon. Who couldn't be quiet when he reads with that voice?"

Rose was nodding her agreement. "It's true, Carlisle. You suddenly turned into an English professor for a moment there. I had no idea you read aloud like that."

"Well, I don't do it too often. Can't have all the ladies chasing me around, at least not when my lovely wife is watching." With a wink to Rose, Carlisle expertly sidestepped Esme's swatting hand, showing how many years more practice he'd had than Emmett as he managed to successfully evade any direct hits.

"Dad, please? Just one little bit of it? Please?" Alice begging instantly reverted her to a child, all wide eyes and pouty lower lip. Edward wondered if she'd still have that ability when she was sixty, and decided she probably would. The mental image was slightly alarming.

"Not now, sweetheart. But the next time Bella stays the night, I promise I'll read _The Children's Hour _to you, alright?

"Now, Edward. What have you got for your mother?"

Edward smiled at his dad as he reached in, knowing Esme was going to love it and Carlisle was going to shake his head. Sure enough, Esme squealed like a little girl and his dad shook his head as he looked down at the heavy volume Edward handed her.

"_The Better Homes and Gardens Decorating Anthology_? Really, Edward? She won't come up for air until she's devoured the whole thing, and then only to redecorate the entire place. And here I thought you loved me."

Edward smiled at his father's mock chagrin, shrugging his shoulders carelessly.

"Something tells me she'll channel all that decorating energy into the garden party, especially since there's an entire section on outdoor parties in there." Esme's eyes lifted to his and the pure joy shining out of them made her look like a girl again.

"Oh, Edward. I've changed my mind. We'll keep you for as long as you like and continue telling everyone you really are our son. It's perfect."

Rising from the table, Esme crossed to Edward and wrapped her arms around his middle, squeezing tightly before looking up at him with a gentle smile.

"Truly, son, you did wonderfully. As always. You make me so proud."

Edward tightened his arms around her, as if bringing them closer together physically would leave no room for the painful twist of shame he felt. With each deep inhale he pushed his secrets deeper inside. Part of him wanted to walk away then, just distance himself from the woman who adored him so completely, who he was lying to with each second that passed. Instead he held her closer and tried to let himself just take in all the love she offered.

"Love you, Mom," he whispered into her hair.

"Love you back, kiddo."

Esme turned and looked at the bag, still sitting on the kitchen table. Breaking free from Edward, she reached towards it, and he felt a moment of unwarranted panic.

"Looks like there's one more in there. Did you get something for yourself?"

Before she could reach in and pull out the last book, Edward grabbed the bag and stepped back quickly, stumbling a little. Six pairs of eyes were trained on him, all of them openly curious.

_Dammit, that wasn't obvious or anything._

Sighing, rolling his eyes, but refusing to give up his bag, Edward said, "I did. My books are upstairs. This one is for a friend. Yes, a friend, I see how you're all looking at me. And before the Spanish Inquisition starts, yes, she's a female, no, I'm not sleeping with her, and no, I won't tell you what the book is."

"It's for Bella then."

Edward stopped his backward retreat to stare at his little sister, who was back to flipping idly through glossy pages of Paris fashions. After a moment of silence, Alice realized everyone was looking at her expectantly and huffed out a sigh.

"Oh come on. If she's a female, well, that could be anyone. If she's not sleeping with Edward, she's obviously either on her deathbed, hasn't hit puberty, or has more brain cells than all those town floozies. And if she's a friend, well... that just leaves Bella. Though I wasn't aware she was _your _friend now, and one of the book-receiving ones at that. You two must have had _some_ time in town today."

She gave Edward the tiniest evil smirk before returning to her book, appearing completely disinterested in the explosion Edward knew would follow her words. Instead, there was only silence, and appraising looks from everyone but her.

_Wicked little firestarter. You'll pay Alice. Oh, you'll pay._

As if she'd heard his thoughts, Alice glanced up at him again, stuck her tongue out, then smiled back down at her book.

"So, you and Bella are friends now? I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah, Dad, I helped her clean out her attic, and I'm going over there tomorrow to try and fix that pump in the south barn. You know, the one that's been breaking every other week for years?"

"Yes. Good, I'm glad she's finally accepting some help. And it'll get you out of my hair for a few weeks, hopefully."

Leaning down to kiss his wife, Carlisle turned and walked from the room and headed to the barn to catch up any and everything he'd missed while he was gone. Thinking he was getting off fairly easy, Edward started inching from the room, only to back into a wall he didn't remember being in the kitchen. Turning, he stared into Emmett's rather enormous chest for a moment before backing up to see his brother's face.

"Upstairs. Now."

Emmett turned and stomped up the stairs, causing Esme to comment under her breath about a herd of elephants and Rosalie to shake her head. Jasper glanced at Edward and asked a silent question, one that Edward nodded to and turned to follow Emmett up the stairs.

When they'd reached the bottom of the stairs they paused, and Jasper asked quietly, "What's going on? Do I need to bring a weapon or something? Or is this some sort of brother thing I don't know about?"

"Honestly, I have no clue what's going on. Emmett's pissed about something, and I'm getting a little pissed myself, because I haven't done a damn thing to piss him off. Come on, let's go. Oh, and if he looks like he's about to charge, just step to the side at the last minute. Always works for me."

Except it didn't this time. The moment Edward opened the door to his room, Emmett grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around til his legs hit the bed, forcing him to sit down.

"What the fuck, Em? You got a problem with me, you tell me right the fuck now!"

Emmett took a step back and then bent over, putting his face right in front of Edward's. When Emmett got mad, he got loud and moved around a lot, like a a thunderstorm that blows through loud and fast. But when Emmett really lost it, a very rare occasion, he got quiet and still. It was a little scary.

Keeping his face inches from Edward's as he lowered himself into a crouch, he put two bruising hands back on Edward's shoulders and spoke very slowly.

"If you think, for even one moment, that Bella is someone you can use and throw away, I will end you. Personally. Are you listening to me, Edward? I... will... end you."

It took Edward a moment to get his brain working again, but once he did, he was mad. Beyond mad, and close to losing it himself. He raised his hand and stuck one finger out like a weapon, jabbing it into Emmett's chest repeatedly to make his point.

"No, you listen to me," _poke_, "you stupid oaf, and listen damn well," _poke_, "because I'll only say this once," _poke._ "Bella is a good person, a better person than anyone I've ever met, and if you think for one second that I would just... _use _her? Fuck you, Emmett. You think I can't be friends with her because she's a fucking woman? She's smart, and tough, and she deserves a friend who doesn't expect anything more from her than to help her out. So fuck you, you self-righteous ass!"

Pushing Emmett out of the way, Edward stood up from the bed and tried to walk out of the room. Tried, because the sound of Emmett's laughter stopped him in his tracks.

"Oh, brother. I'm sorry if I scared you, but that girl has enough trouble with you adding more to it. Which I don't think you're doing, so stop glaring at me. I just wanted to make sure you knew how things were."

Still raging inside that his brother would think so little of him, and pissed that he couldn't entirely blame him for it, Edward turned walked back to get right in Emmett's face. "How things were? And how _are_ things, Emmett. Why don't you just go on and fill me in, since you're sitting on your high and mighty throne at the moment?"

"Calm down, calm down," Emmett's voice took on the soothing tone he used to calm horses, his hands raised in front of him to pacify. It only served to stoke Edward's anger higher. Biting his tongue against it, he tried to listen instead of just swinging.

"I'm just saying... Bella's like family. She's had so much shit piled on those scrawny little shoulders I don't know how she stands up straight anymore. If you're going to help her out, take some of that off her, I think it's great. Hell, I'm jealous I can't do it, because she won't let anyone close enough to offer a hand. So if she'll let you, then I'm happy about it. Really. She's a big girl, and she can obviously take care of herself, so I don't think she'd put up with any of your Lothario bullshit."

A choking sound came from Jasper's general direction but Edward didn't look away from Emmett as he continued.

"She's been broken down and trampled on lately, and I don't even want to think about making her have to shut you down. So just don't go there, okay? Don't fuck with her like that. She's too important. If it doesn't mean everything, it doesn't mean anything."

_If it doesn't mean everything, it doesn't mean anything. Dammit, Emmett, since when do you make sense?_

"Now, if you still want to hit me, and I can tell you do, let's go down to the yard and pull out the boxing gloves. It's been a long time since I pummeled your ass." Emmett's grin showed just how much he was looking forward to it. For a moment Edward could feel it; the heat and sweat coating his hand inside the battered old gloves, the weight of his entire body slamming into Emmett's stupid - and currently grinning - face through his shoulder and arm, the satisfaction that would drown out the pain in his knuckles, even through the gloves.

_Because Em's got a face like a slab of cement, the fucker._

It was impossible to hold on to the rage he felt, because part of him knew that Emmett was right to question his motives, make sure things were set straight. Hell, he'd want to do the same thing to anyone he saw hanging around Bella right now. Anything but a real friend would tear down what little remained of the walls she had holding her up, and he wouldn't do that to her.

"Since when did you get smart, Emmett?"

"Since I've always been smart, Edward. But if you're referring to the fact that I'm not blind to the way you treat women-"

"No, I'm not, and I don't even want to go there right now. I'm referring to you being Bella's white knight."

"Shit. That girl don't need a white knight, bro. She needs a friend. Just a friend."

_Just a friend._

That same nagging sense of disappointment tugged at Edward, but he pushed it down again beneath his anger. Anger at Emmett, because he really was hurt that his own brother thought he'd use her, and anger at himself for partially deserving it. For not being totally honest, with himself or Bella. For so many things. All that was left, for Emmett, for Bella, for himself, was to let it go and do the best he could.

"I'm just a friend, Em, and I swear I'll do the best I can by Bella." Settling for a friendly punch to Emmett's ribs, Edward said, "Now, can we quit this girly talk bullshit and see if Mom's hiding any more ice cream? I seem to remember having my share taken by a wandering troll."

Jasper watched as the brothers left the room laughing, Emmett with one massive arm slung over Edward's shoulder, Edward punching him lightly in the side, no real heat behind it.. Jasper, who'd smartly remained silent throughout the sibling mini-war, shook his head and followed them out. Brothers fighting over a girl was always bad news, but brothers fighting over a girl who was more like family was even worse. Something nagged at him though, and the more he thought about it, the more it worried him and pleased him in equal measure. Jasper didn't think they both looked at her like family.

_No, not quite like family at all._

Hiding his smile behind his hand as he followed them down the stairs, Jasper decided to keep his thoughts to himself for the time being. He was too busy thinking about how bad and good things could possibly go if he was right to notice the pair of eyes that followed him, and the smile beneath them, not hidden at all.

All of her carefree feelings from the day before disappeared the moment Bella woke to her five o'clock alarm. Fighting to free herself from the tangled sheets around her legs she nearly rolled off her bed, and managed to hit her ankle twice on the nightstand in her war.

_What the fuck was I thinking? What kind of voodoo magic did that devil man do to me yesterday to convince me I could use his help here? Now he's going to be here, all day, with me._

Stilling her thrashing movements, Bella lay there for a moment and searched for the sense of calm she'd felt the night before.

_ I sound like a broken record. This is ridiculous, and I refuse to be that girl who falls back on the same argument without trying to change her outcome. Today starting bad has nothing to do with him. It's my reaction to him that's making me mad. There, statement made. Now, resolution. I will no longer blame Edward for my personal problems._

Her silent vow lasted for the next thirty seconds. Leaning down to tug the sheets off her ankles, she hit her forehead on the nightstand that had suddenly become a weapon.

"Errrgh!"

With a last pull and a grumbled curse, Bella managed to separate herself from the sheets and remain upright. Taking a moment to curse herself silently as well, she started her morning routine determined to send Edward away the moment he arrived.

"I don't need help-I'm not some sort of charity case. And I've _told_ him that, I've told _everyone_ that. Yet here I am, making extra damn coffee for some spoiled, irritating bastard to come drink while he does his civic duty and feels good about himself. How did I get myself into this? He must be, no- he _is_ the devil. And seriously, how did he talk me into this?"

Waiting for her toast to pop up, she didn't realize she'd been speaking out loud until a voice answered her last question.

"Well now, the devil has been known to sweet talk a soul or two. What exactly did he convince you to do this early in the day?"

Bella whirled around at the gravelly voice only to find Harry leaning against the refrigerator, arms crossed and trying his hardest not to smile. It was a losing battle, and after another moment spent watching Bella flush red then white then red again, he gave it up as a lost cause.

"Harry, you sneaky old man. You damn near scared me into a heart attack!"

Laughing his low rumble, he crossed the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee for himself. He raised an eyebrow at Bella, clearly curious why there was twice as much brewed than normal.

"I, uh... Edward is coming over. To work on the pump in the south barn."

Waiting for some sort of reaction, unsure of what exactly, but expecting one nonetheless, Bella was left waiting as Harry just nodded and walked out of the kitchen. He didn't speak until he had his hand on the door, ready to head out to the barn and start his day.

"It's about time you gave that Swan stubbornness a break. Needs a day off now and again, same as the rest of us hard working folks."

Before Bella could make an appropriately sharp reply he was gone, the door closing behind him, leaving only an echo of his chuckle. She stared at the closed door for a moment, wondering if it was worth it to throw it open and yell at his back but knowing she'd look ridiculous. Sighing loudly, she stomped over to pull on her boots and glanced at the clock for the twelfth time in half as many minutes.

She had a little over two hours to figure out a way to send Edward home without braining him with a shovel or stabbing him with a hoof pick.

When Edward showed up, on time and with a smile, Bella took a deep breath and mentally prepared herself for a very long day.

"Hey. So, you're going to the south barn? To work on the pump?"

_Why are they questions? I hate it when people speak in questions. Just tell him what to do and get on with it-it's what he's here for. Right?_

Before she could rephrase her words into commands, Edward was nodding, taking his coffee cup and heading back out onto her porch. Bella took one last moment for an internal pep talk and followed him outside.

For a few minutes they talked about what they thought was wrong with the pump, what Bella had done so far to fix it, what tools Edward had brought with him for the job. But Bella's mind wasn't really there. She was trying to look, without actually looking, at Edward's eyes. He seemed different today, subdued somehow. Less dangerous.

_When has Edward ever been dangerous?_

Deciding she was being crazy, and that it was way too early for any sort of deep thoughts, Bella pushed everything aside and made a quick decision. While Edward was working on her ranch, he was working for her. That made him no different than the rest of her ranch hands. That was good, easier than dragging all of her baggage involving Edward into what was just simple work; nothing more and nothing less.

"Bella? Where'd you go?"

Edward's voice pulled her out of her thoughts and she turned to see him staring at her. Refusing to feel embarrassed for getting lost in her own head, Bella smiled and apologized.

"Just thinking about my list of chores for today. And now that I've run through it, it's time to make it happen. If you need anything, just holler, I should be close enough to hear you. And if I'm not, Harry or one of the guys will come around, I'm sure. Do you need anything before I go?"

He was looking at her again, with some expression she couldn't even begin to puzzle out. Whatever was on his mind must have been pretty heavy, but she had enough heavy to deal with so she pushed it away again.

"No, I'm sure I'll be fine Bella. What are you doing today, anyways?"

A sudden bout of nerves made the words pour out quickly. "Well, I was going to ride out and check the lines again, but suddenly, I don't think I will. It looks like it's going to be another beautiful day, so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. I'm going to take Little Debbie out and put her through her paces. We've got a buyer coming for her next week and I want to make sure she's as perfect as she can be."

Thinking about selling Little Debbie, the horse her mother named after her insane pregnancy cravings for the sugary treats, stabbed into her like a hot poker. But it had to be done, and that was all there was to it.

Edward smiled and finished his coffee off, saying, "Little Debbie. Registered name, Sweetest Treat of All. She's the little bulldog bay, right? Thirteen hands, great pacing, white blaze on her forhead? Don't give me that look, Bella, I know your horses almost as well as our own. Besides, I've always had a soft spot for Deb. She's sweet as can be, but she's got that feisty, playful side. And she runs like the wind when you let her have her head."

Bella decided to stop expecting anything when it came to Edward Cullen. The man obviously had deep reserves of knowledge she knew absolutely nothing about. Better just to go with it.

"Yeah, that's her. She's a powerhouse, and I hate to get rid of her, but..." Bella trailed off, trying to find the professional place in her mind that made her able to deal with losing little pieces of herself with each sale.

Edward must have noticed, because he just nodded, and said, "Well, I'm off to fight with the pump. Should I worry about lunch on my own?"

Thankful for the shift back into work mode, Bella decided on something different today.

"Nah, I think they guys deserve a real lunch for once. Meet me back here at one, and let the guys know, if you see any of them."

Edward nodded and tipped his fingers from his ball cap to her in a funny little salute, then walked towards the south barn. Bella told herself she was just finishing up her coffee before she went to the stables, and definitely not waiting to watch him walk away.

_Nothing to do with way the man wears a pair of jeans, or has that loose, relaxed walk, or how his-_

_ Enough! Friends don't ogle. Time to work now._

With one last glance at Edward's retreating form, Bella went to the place she'd considered heaven for as long as she could remember.

Five hours later, sweating in the afternoon sun, Bella was laughing as she raced around the paddock on Little Debbie's back. She'd put her through her paces with Harry watching, and both declared she'd never been in better condition. Harry had offered to take her for her cool down and grooming, but Bella looked at her watch and saw she'd nearly half an hour before she was due to make lunch and decided to make the best of it. Removing Little Debbie's saddle, Bella took deep breaths of the air surrounding her.

_Summer sun, churned up dirt, and horse. Smells that make you feel alive._

She told Harry to take the discarded tack for her and jumped back up on Debbie's wide back for a quick run. Bella hadn't ridden a horse for pleasure a long time. _Too long_, she thought, as she flew around the ring on Debbie's bare back. They made their own wind as they rushed along, and Bella laughed out loud from the freedom of it. On horseback there was no worry, no overdue bills, no terrifying grief to be held down with an iron fist. She could outrace anything, and see only the horizon in front of her, calling, beckoning her to chase just one more hill, seek out just the next valley.

Passing Harry, Bella slowed to a canter to yell out, "Harry! I'm sorry about lunch! Tell the boys to help themselves to whatever's in my fridge. I've got to-"

She didn't finish what she was saying. Little Debbie sensed her rider's momentary inattention and took advantage. With a leap she took off, running full speed again, and Bella was laughing to hard to speak. Harry knew though. He'd understand her need to run, to leave everything behind but the thundering of hooves and one thousand pounds of pure muscle working in perfect synchronization to carry her away.

When she finally made it back to the stables, she and Little Debbie were both breathing hard. Harry met her in the stable and took Debbie's reigns, telling Bella, "Go on down to the south barn, that boy is 'bout done with the pump."

Unable to keep from grinning hugely, Bella kissed Harry's cheek before bounding out of the stable and into the sunlight on quick feet. She ran all the way to the south barn and felt like singing, flying, laughing, all at once. When she reached the south barn, she raced in, slowing only when she saw Edward bent over the pump, lifting and releasing the handle.

He looked up when he heard her, and for a moment his face was nothing familiar- intense and sharp and burning somehow. It was enough to slow Bella to a walk. Then he smiled, wiping his hands across his thighs, and he was just Edward again. As much as he could ever be _just Edward._

"I'm sorry about lunch, Edward, I just had to-"

"Yeah, I know. Sometimes you just have to run. Anyways, I can't imagine you being a better cook than Harry. Damn that man can make a steak!"

Bella, who'd been smiling at Edward's understanding of her need to go, and at the compliment to Harry's cooking, quit smiling and started frowning.

"Steaks? He made you steak? And I missed it? Dammit!" Harry's steaks were legendary, and absolutely worth pouting over shamelessly.

"Best steak I ever had, and don't you dare tell my mother I said that."

Sensing a plan of attack, Bella smiled sweetly and said, "Oh, just so long as you were kind enough to save some for me, I won't tell. If you didn't, well..." She let her threat trail off, anticipating expressions of worry and fear to cross Edward's face.

Instead, he looked smug. "Well, I may have put a little something aside, for myself of course, for later. But I may be convinced into sharing with you. For a small price."

Immediately flashbacks of Edward kissing her in a field of tiny purple flowers went through her mind and she took a step backwards before she was aware of doing so.

"I don't think that's, uh... I mean, I can get my own, thanks."

Edward laughed, taking a step closer to her to bring their distance back together.

"Don't worry, Bella. Friends, remember? Now, do you want to hear my small price or not? Did I tell you he did the skirt steaks with peppercorns and-"

"Alright, alright! Damn you, Edward Cullen, you really are the devil. What is this small price?"

_And how did you know I was worried about it being something... too friendly?_

"Go riding with me. Not today," he continued, seeing the refusal already forming on Bella's face, "But the next day you can spare some time. I saw you today on Little Debbie. I don't know how long it's been since you went riding just for yourself, but it's been way too long for me. So, trade a steak for a ride, what do you say?"

Bella thought back to her earlier ride, the freedom and unencumbered joy she felt. The way it was her time, her time alone, without any of the trappings of life holding her down. Did she want to share that with someone, and especially a someone who was Edward? God knows there were enough trappings in her mind to hold her back where he was concerned.

_I can't lose that. I have to hold onto that one thing._

_ But it's just a ride, just a few hours. Stop making such a big deal about it._

Like he was reading her thoughts on her face again, Edward said, "If you want to say no, Bella, it's okay. Really. And I'll still tell you where the plate of food is hiding in the back of your fridge. I made sure none of the guys got to it."

_He made me a plate of food. He saved it for me. He thought about me when I wasn't there._

That alone was enough to make her feel selfish for not wanting to share her riding time. It also made her feel something else, something a little warm and sweet.

_Don't even go there. Don't even._

"Well, I think it's the least I can do for a piece of Harry's famous pepper steak. I'll let you know when I'm free, okay?"

There was that smile again, the open, easy one that made him look so happy. Not just happy on the surface, but happy deep down. Bella wondered fleetingly when that look had become the exception instead of the rule.

_He's been through his own battles, same as me. Somewhere, something changed him._

Curiosity warred with her own innate need for privacy, and her dislike at invading someone else's.

_Forget about it, Bella. Just because you're supposed to be friends now doesn't mean telling all your secrets. Besides, everyone is entitled to their own._

"So, who won today? You or this infernal water pump?"

Edward pulled her over to show her what he'd taken out and added in, and when it ran perfectly Bella gave a relieved laugh and impulsively hugged him before quickly letting go. He didn't do more but squeeze her back lightly when she squeezed him, and Bella thought that it might actually work.

_Edward Cullen is my friend._

The smile that spread across her face felt nice, so she left it there for the rest of the day.

* * *

**A/N:** Vocab assistance needed?

Tack = all the things a horse wears, like saddles, bridles, etc.

Bulldog = referring to a smaller, stocky Quarterhorse. Very powerful hind end.

Entire poem Carlisle read from: http:/www(dot)poemhunter(dot)com/poem/a-gleam-of-sunshine/

The Children's Hour (Alice & Bella's poem. One of my faves) http:/www(dot)poemhunter(dot)com/poem/a-gleam-of-sunshine/

So much love to my amazing betas, Le Rameau, izzyyysprinkles, and Bookjunkie1975. The share my love of Swiss Cake Rolls and unintentional perving where bareback riding is concerned ;)

They worked so much magic with this chapter, and anything that's not awesome is all me.

**CONTESTS!** Here's some stuff I'll be getting into. You should too.

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